For The Love Of Death

"Goddammit!! You piece of shit!! I swear I'm gonna kill you!!" 

These were the threats; regular threats delivered when one returns from wherever they went to find out their stuff has been roughhandled and rummaged, by their foster parents.

Sometimes, you just sit and wonder why they actually adopted you if they act like they don't want you. It's beyond me, honestly. 

It's like going to a shelter and picking a dog, knowing very well you wouldn't take care of it or give a damn about it. What did you think? They're just for the aesthetic? 

Of course, there was every right to be mad. 

I know I'd be too if my foster parents were insecure and didn't trust me enough to properly hide my smoke around them. For God's sake, she's 21 and can take care of herself, with or without you. 

The TV show was beginning to piss me off, so I switched it to a cartoon channel and took a deep breath. 

It's been a very long and stressful week, so long and stressful that I was actually looking forward to the weekend so I could get a break from work. It's all just work, work, work and more work. It's a cycle that never ends.  

The more I try to live with the fact that getting up at 6am to go to work everyday is my new routine which I must follow, the more it messes with my head. 

I picked up my crusher and filled in a big bud, grinding it up while thinking to myself; all ifs, buts and what ifs. 

What if things were different for me? What if I was birthed by someone as rich and influential as Elon Musk? Would I be a completely different person than I am right now?

All these unnecessary bits and thoughts fill my head up when I'm sober, and then I start to overthink everything. 

What purpose am I here for? Am I just a filler, just one more person to populate the Earth? Do I actually have plans stacked up for me? What does the future hold for me? Where would I be in the next twenty years? What if I'm dead before the next twenty years? When do I die? How do I die? Would I know beforehand? 

All these thoughts kill me. 

But then, I pull out my rolling paper, put the filter up the front, fill it up, seal it and then spark up. 

Two long inhalations and exhalations later, and there's nothing but peace and tranquility in my head. No unnecessarily anxious thoughts or worries or questions. Just peace and happiness. 

That's why I smoke. I'm not addicted to smoking, don't get me wrong. I mean, I do it all the time but I'm not addicted to it. I'm addicted to the peace and joy I feel after smoking. I'm addicted to escaping reality and just staring at the ceiling with empty thoughts and a smile on my face. 

Anyways, back to my narration, 

I woke up feeling like it would be a good day, which I hoped it would. But seeing as I woke up by 5am on a Saturday to watch loud cartoons and get woozy, I was still skeptical about the day. 

"TURN THE TV DOWN, YOU KNUCLEHEAD!" 

Cue the crazy Asian Karen next door. Mrs Lee was one of those women who you'd think would turn out nice because of how nice and innocent they look but turn out to be the worst crazies you've ever experienced. 

"I PAY FOR ELECTRICITY, I CAN DO WHAT I WANT!" I yelled back. 

"YOU'RE AN ADULT, WATCHING CARTOONS AT 5AM ON A SATURDAY, YOU'RE SHAMELESS AND FRUSTRATING TO LIVE WITH." 

I'm not great with accents so pardon my generalization, but the Asian accent basically rolled off her tongue and right into my ears. You could effortlessly tell she was Asian, even with a thin wall between us. 

"THEN MOVE TO YOUR MANSION IN NORTH KOREA, WOMAN." 

Unwarranted but necessary shade. 

Mrs Lee was one of the people who escaped North Korea and got deported and banned from Germany. She always brags about how she had a mansion in North Korea and how she would be living in her mansion with servants if not for the way things were. 

"WHY DON'T YOU MOVE BACK TO YOUR HUT IN AFRICA?"  She retorted. 

Smooth. That was smooth. I had to think up a quick one to respond to her sass. 

"AT LEAST IF I GET DEPORTED TODAY, I'VE GOT A COUNTRY TO RUN BACK TO." 

"YOU THINK? THEN WHY HAVEN'T YOU RAN BACK?" 

Damn, she's good. 

I had nothing else to say, so I increased the volume of the TV even higher than before. It disturbed me but the fact that it disturbed her even more satisfied my spirit.