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Anny

Life is may not be what we always want it to be .

It's bittersweet .

It's has good times, when everything seems great, we feel confident, unstoppable, on top of the world and things are working out well and we forget that life also has bad times, when we are all gloomy,sad, anxious, stressed, overwhelmed, depressed and confused.

At this point, everything seems pointless and you feel clueless and that's when you start losing your confidence ,we start asking questions, we start losing our sense of direction, we start doubting.

Some of us let go of hope and allow the storms of life take us away, we let go and go with the flow. At this point, we forget that there was a time, we were happy, confident, unstoppable,a time we felt sexy when we put on clothes, a time everything was beautiful, a time the sun shone brightly, the sky was blue and the birds were chirping away in the trees. We let go of that memory and that glimmer of hope and then, we start seeing only darkness in the tunnel, we stop believing and we stop moving and that's when we fall. That's when we fail, and before we realize it, life is gone and there's no way we can turn back time. We leave behind regrets we wished we never had, wishes we hoped for but never came, plans we made, but never realized, people we wished we had enough time with, but never did.

I stared blankly at the coffin as it was being lowered to the ground, with someone I used to call my dad in it. Gone . And he was never coming back. I could feel the sharp stabbing pain in my stomach , my chest tightened like it was going to burst at any moment. I wanted to scream and cry my heart out. But I couldn't. I didn't. Though I could feel a million thousand emotions bubbling up inside me, yet I feel numb at the same time. Was it grief ? Or anger? . I've always known this moment would come and I've always been prepared for this moment, but why does it feel like I've been stabbed in the heart.

My eyes flickered to my mom. Her face, a bubble of different emotions. Her eyes barely holding back tears which was clearly threatening to fall. I glanced at my older sister, my immediate younger brother, then my little sister. They were all trying to hold back tears. My brother seemed rather indifferent, like he didn't really care about what was going on. But I knew Evan better than he knew himself. He wasn't really great at expressing his feelings and wasn't any better at taking about it.

My father was finally laid to rest . The coffin was covered with dirt as the priest muttered what I'm guessing were prayers. My mom stretched out her hand towards me, pulling me closer to her, then she did same with my siblings. We ended up forming a circle. A circle of sorrow.

We were leaving the cemetery, when a limo rolled gently down the street. It stopped a few feet from us. The windows didn't roll down as I expected, but I could definitely sense someone watching us. I could feel skin prickle , a sensation I couldn't quite place.

"Who the hell could that be?" Beatrix asked.

My mom shook her head. Negative. She definitely doesn't know who that is. And I don't think my siblings knew either.

"It could probably be one of Dad's loaners coming to get what his owed, now that he's gone " Nikki added. For the first time since Nikki became a teenager, this was the first time she actually spoke something that made sense somewhat.

When Dad got ill, as those he owed came knocking on our door. Demanding their money back. And it wasn't just one or two persons. I lost count on the fifth. Am guessing they probably thought he was going to die. But Dad didn't die immediately, he had a stoke which we managed for a few years before he finally gave up. I felt my mom's hold tightened, her fingers sinking deep into my skin, her face paled .