Sons and Lovers

ld not bear it. Now it was spring, and there was battle between him and Miriam. This year he had a good deal against her. She was vaguely aware of it. The old feeling th

lifetime with him. She saw tragedy, sorrow, and sacrifice ahead. And in sacrifice she was proud, in renunciation she was strong, for she did not trust herself t

om window, looking across at the oak-trees of the wood, in whose branches a twilight was tangled, below the bright sky of the afternoon. Grey-

nd laughed towards the house. To-day he walked with shut lips and cold, cruel bearing, that had something of a slouch and a sneer in it. She knew him well by now, and could tell

ary, Queen of Scots, and making her, she thought, look wonderfully a woman, and dignified. At twenty she was full-breasted and luxuriously formed. Her

dancing with laughter, now taking on one expression and then another, in imitation of various people he was mocking. His mockery always hurt her; it was too near the reality. He was too clever and cruel. She felt that when his eyes were like this, hard with mocking hate, he would spare neither himself nor anybo

, saw that the artist approved, but it won from him not a spark of wa

o milk, she ventured to

e late,"

" he an

silence fo

gh riding?"

ntinued quickly to lay the t

tes. Will you come and look

and the sky were clean and cold. Everything looked washed, rather hard. Miriam glanced at Paul. He was p

e asked. She detected an undernea

nk not," h

h on the road-th

uds it's a south-west w

cle, so I don't unde

to cycle to kno

eks of the flowers were greenish with cold. But still some had burst, and their gold ruffled and glowed. Miriam went on her knees before one cluster, took a wild-looking daffodil between her hands, turned up its face of gold to her, and bowed d

magnificent?"

t's a bit thick

ure of her praise. He watched her crouchin

be fondling things?

touch them," sh

you wanted to pull the heart out of them? Why don't yo

troke her lips against a ruffled flower. Their scent, as she

gs," he said. "I would never whee

came from him mechanically. She looked at him. His

he said, "as if you were a beggar for love.

lower with her mouth, inhaling the scent which ever

. You aren't positive, you're negative. You absorb, absorb, as if you mu

tured soul, run hot by thwarted passion, jetted off these sayings like sparks from electricity. She did not grasp anything he said. S

appy on this looked-for holiday, waited for him. And at last he yielded and came to her. She wa

ttle way?" she asked him, knowing

ap, a narrow horseshoe hedge of small fir-boughs, baited with the

dreadful?"

h its teeth in a rabbit's throat? One weasel

ness of life badly. She

e house," he said. "I

d. Just a fragment remained of the haystack, a monument squared and brown,

ere a minute,

with sunset, tiny white farms standing out, the meadows golden, the woods dark and yet luminous, tree-tops folded over tree-tops, di

eautiful?"

He would rather have

o paws on the youth's shoulders, licking his face. Paul drew back, laughing. Bi

the lad, "or I'l

The two fought together, the man laughing grudgingly, the dog grinning all over. Miriam watched them. There was something pathetic about the man. He wanted so badly to love, to be tender. Th

ad enough o'

that quivered with love, upon his thigh, and

id-"no-I've

dog trotted off happ

e still beauty he begrudged. He wanted to go and cycle

sad?" she a

uld I be," he answere

ys claimed to be normal

ter?" she pleaded, c

thi

she m

k and began to stab

etter not ta

to know-"

hed res

ays do,"

ir to me," s

, digging up little clods of earth as if he were in a fever of

e said. "Pu

currant-bushes, and leaned

?" she plea

only his eyes alive, a

gth, rather wearily-"you k

Swiftly everything seemed

rmured. "What

We only realise where

was no good being impatient with him. At any

nous voice. "How often HAVE we agreed for friendship! A

an? He was so wearying. There was something he w

t's a flaw in my make-up. The thing overbalances to o

ch he wanted. It was the deepest motive of her soul, this self-mistrust. It was so deep she dared neither realise nor acknowledge. Perhaps she was deficient.

as happened

ly comes out just now. We're alwa

east she never floundered in such a pitiable way

u want?" sh

uld I monopolise you when I'm not-You see, I'

How foolish and blind and shamefully clumsy he was! What were other men to her! What were men

stand," she said h

ateful to him as the twilight faded

never believe that I can't-can't physically,

murmured. No

ve

oving her, physically, bodily, was a mere perversity on his part, because he knew she loved him. He was stupid like a child. He belonged to h

been saying at h

that," h

m for their commonness, his people. They d

more that night. After all h

And nobody else mattered. There was one place in the world that stood solid and did not melt into unreality: the place where his mother was. Everybody else c

Paul was going to prove that she had been right; he was going to make a man whom nothing should shift off his feet; he was going to alter the face of the earth in some way which mattered. Wherever he went she f

And yet it was not enough. His new young life, so strong and imperious, was urged towards something else. It made him mad with restlessness. She saw this, and wishe

s she now to endure the ignominy of his abandoning her? That would only be superficial and temporary. He would come back

something was fretting him, that he found things hard. He seemed to drift to her for comfort.

e young children i

her great appealing brown eyes. "It is such a sunny day. I

talking simply, he gentle and humble. He could have wept with gra

e Mow Close they fo

w you the eg

. "They seem SUCH a sign o

took out the eggs, holding

think we frightened

ing!" said M

e eggs, and his hand which, it se

warmth!" she murmu

eat," he

ough the thorns, his hand folded carefully over the eggs. He was concentrated on the act. Seeing h

foot of the stack. He read a couple of pages, but without any heart for it. Again the dog came racing up to repeat the f

" he said. "I d

re was a silence about the youth that made her still with apprehensi

e, so that she could not see him, he

up so much-you might get to l

hat he was st

you ask?" she replied, in a low tone t

say I've no right to come up li

n them. She had been furious with her own father for sugges

ing if her people had anythin

ought to consider myself so, because it's not fair to you. And I've tried to find out-an

as angry at having this struggle. Pe

know," sh

er enough to marry?" he asked

thfully. "I don't thin

tensity in things, might have given me more-than I could ever make

angry, too. He was always such a chi

think so," sh

ered a

hink one person would ever monopolize

did not

ter a pause, she looked at h

," she said. "I know

he only said, if I was going on, I ought to consider myself engaged." There was a

r. By this time s

pose I'd better drop French. I was just beginning

" he said. "I can give you

hapel, because I enjoy it, and it's all the social life I ge

ack. "But if I ask Edgar, he'll always co

. For all their talk down at his home there would not be mu

t it, and let it trouble

Miriam, without

le. He had no fixity of purpose, no a

ss his bicycle-and goes to work-and does

her," said Miriam

her chilly. The

. "Miriam, you shouldn't have let him sit out

!" he l

lict in himself. Miriam pitied him now. But qu

e, are you?" asked Mr

I said I'd be early.

early," said

ted, expecting her to rise and go with him to the barn as usu

ight, all!"

st the window he looked in. She saw him pale, his brows knit slightly

He rode slowly under the pine-trees, feeling a cur and a miserable wretch. His bicycle w

a book and a little note, ur

ar of being trodden on; where the lamp hung over the table at night, and everything was so silent. He loved Miriam's long, low parlour, with its atmosphere of romance, its flowers, its books, its high rosewood piano. He loved the gardens and the buildings that stood with their scarlet roofs on the naked edges of the fields, crept towards the wood as if for cosiness, the wild country scooping down a valley an

enjoyed it. Then they all learned songs together from tonic sol-fa, singing in a circle round the fire. But now Paul was very rarely alone with Miriam. She waited. When she and Edgar and he walked home together from chapel or from the literary society in Bestwood, she knew his talk, so passionate and so unorthod

full sail towards Agnosticism, but such a religious Agnosticism that Miriam did not suffer so badly. They were at the Renan Vie de Jesus stage. Miriam was the threshing-floor on which he threshed out all his beliefs. While he trampled his ideas upon her soul, the truth came out for him

he fire, and brought her some cakes from the pantry. She sat on the sofa, quietly, with a plate on her knee. She wore a large white hat with some pinkish flowers.

straight to the mark. He turned the pages quickly, and read her a chapter of St. John. As he sat in the armchair reading, intent, his voice only thinking, she felt as if he were using her unconsciously as a man uses his tools at some work he is bent on. S

ad felt him growing uncomfortable. She shrank when the well-known words did not follow. He went on reading, but she did not hear. A grief and shame made her bend her head. Six month

t, but could not get back the right note. Soon Edgar came in. Mrs

peace. There was between them now always a ground for strife. She wanted to prove him. She believed that his chief need in l

slightly angry. He said he did not like her. Yet he was keen to know about her. Well, he should put himself to the test. She believed that there were in him desires for h

skirt, and somehow, wherever she was, seemed to make things look paltry and insignificant. When she was in the room, the kitchen seemed too small and mean altogether. Miriam's beautiful twi

He would be disappointed if the visitor had not come. Miriam went out to meet him, bowing her head because of the sunshine. N

ara come?"

am in her musical t

e had put on a handsome tie, of which h

his morning

ide. "You said you'd bring me that letter fro

said. "But nag at m

like to n

And is she any more a

ys think she is

lready began to suffer. They went together towards the house. He took the clips off his t

ently. To shake hands she lifted her arm straight, in a manner that seemed at once to keep him at a distance, and yet to fling something to h

osen a fine

ens so,"

said; "I

t thanking him f

doing all morning?"

huskily, "Clara only came with father

ost coarse, opaque, and white, with fine golden hairs. She did not mind if he observed her hands. She intended to scorn him. H

ford's meeting the other

this courteous Paul.

" she

Miriam, "how

minutes before the tr

way again rath

lovable little

ed Clara. "She's a great de

't," he said, deprecating. "

is all that matters,"

d, rather perplex

cleverness," he said; "which, after

n earth," retorted Clara. She spoke as if he were respo

, and awfully nice-only too frail. I wis

nd's stockings,'" s

" he said. "And I'm sure she'd do them well. Just as I

of his. He talked to Miriam for a lit

ink I'll go and see Ed

e's gone for a load of coal.

id, "I'll go

nything for the three of t

rehead as she dragged the clanking load of coal. The young farmer's face lighted up as he saw his friend. Edgar was go

ing Paul bareheaded.

you. Can't sta

lashed in a lau

evermore'?

ught to be Mrs. The Raven

ughed wi

like her?

," said Paul.

pursed up his lips. "I can't say she's much in my line." He muse

looks at herself in the looking-glass she says disdainfully 'Nevermore,' and if she

ch, failed to make much ou

she's a m

she is," r

don't t

replie

nice with

r NICE with anybody?"

d. Paul was rather self-conscious, because he knew Clara

groomed. Paul and Edgar worked together, sneezing with

ew song to teach

k was sun-red when he bent down, and his fingers that

on'?" suggest

hilst he was carting. Paul had a very indifferent baritone voice, but a good ear. However, he sang softly, for fear of Clara. Ed

se them-even Paul. She thought it anomalous in him th

me when they

was that?"

he conversation t

lly times," Miri

w, dignified way. Whenever the m

singing?" Mir

s good,"

course,

s high-class and

raining before the singi

ained before you allowed them to talk," he replied. "R

for other peopl

should have flaps to

as a silence. He flushed

men had gone but Paul, M

ind life h

init

are sat

can be free an

thing in your life?" as

all that b

ncomfortable during thi

he said. Then he took his departure to the cowsheds. He felt he had been wit

e brake at the edge of the wood, where pink campions glowed under a few sunbeams, they saw, beyond the tree-trunks and the thin hazel bushes, a man leading a great bay horse through the gullies. The big red beas

e stood

night," he said, "and t

shut up safely

ould carry your banner of white and green and heliotrope. I would

you would much rather fight for a w

seems like a dog before a looking-glass,

ng-glass?" she asked,

hadow," h

e said, "that you

" he retorted, laughing. "Be good, s

pward lifting of her face was misery and not scorn. His heart grew tender for e

halter of the powerful stallion indifferently, as if he were tired. The three stood to let him pass over the stepping-stones of the first

eculiar piping voice, "that his young beas'es 'as

ked Miriam,

flanks, and looking suspiciously with its wonderful big e

" replied Limb, "a

d sideways, shaking its white fetlocks and look

said the man affect

brook. Clara, walking with a kind of sulky abandon, watched it half-fascinate

t through," he said. "My man'

iam, colouring as i

min' in?" a

we should like to

s you've a mi

whinneys of pleasure

said Clara, who was int

een a tidy

man of about thirty-five. Her hair was touched with grey, her dark eyes looked wild. She walked with her hands beh

r, ducking his head. She smuggled into his mouth the wrinkled yellow apple she had been hiding behind her back, t

endid!" said

Her dark eyes glanc

ivers," she said. "It's ag

roduced he

a fine fellow

he kissed him. "As

ost men, I should t

ried the woman, agai

the big beast, went u

id Miss Limb. "Don't yo

auty!" rep

n his eyes. She want

he can't ta

all but," replie

her moved on

? DO come in, Mr.-

won't come in, but we should

. Do you fis

said

me," said Miss Limb. "We scarcely see a soul from

there in the

nd up the steep bank to the pond, which lay in shadow,

ind swimming h

l be awfully pleased to talk with you. He is so quiet,

a ca

pth," she said,

said Mi

Miss Limb was just saying w

s the farm-hands,

on up the wild hill, leaving the lo

It was wild and tussocky, given over to r

eel uncomfortab

Limb?" asked

er? Is she going dotty

for her. I think it's cruel to bury her there. I re

ry for her-yes, and sh

ed Clara suddenly,

were silent fo

liness sends her c

r arms hanging loose. Rather than walking, her handsome body seemed to be blundering up the hill. A hot wave went over Paul. He was curious about her. Perhaps life had

nk she is disagre

he question was sudden.

he matter with

answere

shes were gaps that the cattle might have walked through had there been any cattle now. There the turf was smooth as velveteen, padded and holed by the rabbits. The field itself was coarse, an

r, talking in subdued tones. He kneeled on one knee, quickly gathering the best blossoms, moving from tuft to tuft restlessly, talking softly all the time. Miriam plucked the flowers lovingly, lingering over them. He always seem

s he gathered them, he ate the little yellow trumpets. Clara was

't you g

in it. They loo

u'd lik

ant to

believe

orpses of flowers a

in water than on their roots. And besides, they LOOK nice in a bowl-they l

s one or not?

A dead flower isn't a

ow igno

ight have you to pu

and want them-and th

t is suf

they'd smell nice in y

the pleasure of w

es not matter i

s which thickly sprinkled the field like pale, luminous foam-clots. Miriam

th reverence you don't do them any harm. It i

'em because you want 'em, and t

lent. He pick

sturdy and lusty like little tre

such a beautiful thing, yet not proud of itself just now. Her breasts swung slightly in her blouse. The arching curve of her back was be

shes, and d

n't have you t

with almost pitiful, scared grey eyes, wondering what he w

g there above her

ted a funeral," he

up her hat and pinned it on. One flower had remained tangled in her hair. He s

and stood there like flood-water. But they were fading now. Clara s

e come out of th

th a flash of warm

she s

ood be

oods, how terrified they would be when they

k they were?

bursting out of their darkness of woods upon all the space

k the second,"

open space sort, trying to force y

know?" she ans

rsation e

sleigh Bank Farm. Brightness was swimming on the tops of the hills. Miriam came up slowly, her face in her big, loose bunch of f

e go?" s

uld see the light of home right across, and on the ridge of the hill a thin

nice, hasn't

ed assent. Cl

think so?"

d not answer. He could tell by the way she mo

the railway carriage, she seemed to look frail. He had a momentary sensation as if she were slipping away from him. T

. Both were at the window

is, mother!

athedral lying couch

xclaimed. "

was reflected in her, something of the fatality. What was, WAS. With all his young will he could not alter it. He saw her face, the skin still fresh and pink and downy, but crow's-feet near her eyes, he

Think, there are streets and streets below h

king steady out of the window at the cathedral, her face and eyes fixed, reflecting the relentlessness

at she considered

e ate her cutlet. "I DON'T like it, I real

said. "You forget I'm a fellow

t her some b

ir!" she commanded.

othing to do.

igh Street he stuck th

like me!" she

t people to think we're aw

your head,"

manded. "Be a f

et. She stood above Glory Hole, she stood befor

ook off his hat,

you the to

she answered. "

ith her for not answe

d. "Ha! that's the Jew's House. Now,

not notice. Then suddenly he found her unable to speak.

"My heart is only a bit

his heart was crushed in a hot grip. He want

st. He felt as if his heart would burst. At last they came to the top. She stood enchanted,

than I thought it

ing. They sat together in the cathedral. They atte

open to anybody

think they'd have the dam

claimed, "they would if

eace during the service. And all the time he

ng over the wall, looking at the

ve a YOUNG mother?

laughed, "she can

ung ones have the advantage-but look, THEY had the you

onstrated. "Come to consider,

er, white, his

ith his impotence. "WHY can't you walk

I could have run up that hill

ng his fist on the wall. Then he became plaintiv

t old, and you'll have to p

olly again over tea. As they sat by Brayford, watching the boats,

does she l

ther, on Blu

ey enough to

so. I think the

lies her ch

er. But she's nice. And she seems strai

good deal old

I'm going on

old me what yo

ort of defiant way she's

not know what. But he fretted so, got so furious suddenly, and again was melancholic. She wished he knew some nice

ad gone away to work in Birmingham. One we

look very w

id. "I feel anyh

a" already in hi

ey're good lodgi

n tea out-an' nobody to grouse if you team it in your sauc

orel l

nocks you up

urted, twisting his fingers and looking

"I thought you said yo

y so," he repl

he cons

endthrift. She's saved no more than eleven pound

ed up to

irty-three q

go far," s

ng, but twist

," she said,

cried, very red, suffe

ake away five pounds for the wedding and things-it l

impotent, stubbo

get married?" she asked. "D

straight look fr

" he

we must all do the bes

ooked up there wer

to feel handicapped,

on his last week's wages. She may find it a bit hard to start humbly. Young girls ARE like that. They lo

and some white on her blouse, and was teased by both her sons for fancying herself so grand. Leonard was jolly and cordial, and felt a fearful fool. Paul could not quite see what Annie wanted to get married for. He was fond of her, and she of him. Still, he hoped rather lugubriously

child, he'll b

go and tie herself up. Leonard looked whi

ou, my lad, and hold y

rly dead with the ordea

n bed, Paul sat talking, as

e's married, mother,

ld go from me. It even seems to me hard that she can prefer to

u be miserabl

y," his mother answered, "I can on

rust him to be

say if a man is GENUINE, as he is, and a girl is fond

u don'

y a man I didn't FEEL to be genuine through and

It seemed to Paul his mother looked lonely, in her

her, I s'll never

ad. You've not met the one y

r. I shall live with you,

y to talk. We'll see

I'm nearly t

at would marry young. B

with you jus

, my boy,

n't want me

going through your life without

ink I ought

later every

rather it w

d-and very hard.

on till he tak

my daughter the wh

'd let a wife ta

to marry your mother as well

he liked; she wouldn

l she'd got you-a

ll never marry while

to leave you with nobo

e! I'll give you till seventy-five. There you are, I'm

r sat and

" she said-

and a servant, and it'll be just all right

ou go t

carriage. See yourself-a little

o go to bed,"

His plans for the futu

re of the moment. Never yet had he been forced to realise himself. The army had disciplined his body, but not his soul. He was in perfect health and very handsome. His dark, vigorous hair sat close to his smallish head. There was something childish about his nose, something almost girlish about his dark blue e

Often he got into scrapes, but they were the manly scrapes that are easily condoned. So he made a good time out of it, whilst his self-respect was in suppression. He trusted to his good looks and handsome figure, his refinement, his decent education to get him most of what h

r, and she decided to buy her son out of the army. He wa

ng her arm in soldier's fashion, rather stiffly. And she came to play the piano whilst he sang. Then Arthur would unhook his tunic collar. He grew flushed, his eyes were bright, he sang

her. She would sometimes smoke with him. Occasional

reached for his cigarette. "Nay, tha doesna.

f, no kiss at al

a'e a whiff," he said

she cried, snatching for the

touching her. She was small and q

ee a smoke ki

ance, Arty Morel," sh

a smok

ward to her, smiling.

eplied, turning

a brush. She looked at the puckered crimson lips, then suddenly snatched the cigarette from his fingers and darted away. He, leaping af

he cried. "Gi

r him, would come down. She stood with her hand

got it,"

between his lips with

!" sh

ere!" he laughed,

red knees, he laughed till he lay back on the sofa shaking with laughter. The cigarette fell from his mouth almost singeing his throat. Under his delicate tan

me, Beat," he

t each other. Slowly the flush mounted her cheek, she dropped her eyes, then her head. He sat down sulkily. S

re. He, with ruffled hair, was sulking upon the sofa. She sat down opposite,

Beat," he said at lengt

ldn't be brazen

himself like a man much agitated but defiant.

ore fing!"

s face, smil

he inv

t I?" s

lenged, his mout

Immediately his arms folded round her. As soon as the long kiss was finished she drew back her head from him, put he

l. What she would do she did,

lived at home, and gone out to pass their time. But now, for Annie and Arthur, life lay outside their mother's house. They came home for holiday and for rest. So there was that strange, half-empty feeling about the house, as if

e saw her at Willey Farm. But on these last occasions the situation became strained. There was a triangle of antagonism between Paul and Clara and Miriam. With Clara he took on a smart, worldly, m

as if she watched the very quivering stuff of life in him. The moon came out: they walked home together: he seemed to have come to her because he needed her so badly, and she listened to him, gave him all her love and her faith. It seemed to her he brought

d higher heaps of hay that they were jumping over. Miriam did not care for the game, and stood aside. Edgar and Geoffrey and Maurice and Clara and Paul jumped. Paul won, because he was light. Cl

" he cried. "

g to Edgar. "I didn't tou

t say," la

them c

d," said Paul.

T touch!"

s anything,

for me!" she c

d. "I daren't. You

r the fact that you t

ore these lads and men was gone. She had forgott

are despicabl

hed, in a way tha

ouldn't jump that

on she listened to, or was conscious of, was he, and he of her. It ple

of his becoming frivolous, of his running after his satisfaction like any Arthur, or like his father. It made Miriam bitter to think that he should throw awa

as rather ashamed of himself, and prostrated

us when it sails across the sky. But it only does it because it feels itse

igious in everything, have God, whatev

imself," he cried. "God doesn't KNOW things,

leasure. There was a long battle between him and her. He was utterly unfaithful to her even in her own presence; th

e he hated her. She was his conscience; and he felt, somehow, he had got a conscience that was too much for him. He could not leave her, because in one way she di

ote her a letter which could

nun-as a mystic monk to a mystic nun. Surely you esteem it best. Yet you regret-no, have regretted-the other. In all our relations no body enters. I do not talk to you through the senses-rather through the spirit. That is why we cannot love in the common sense. Ours is not an everyday affection. As yet we are mortal, and to liv

-I doubt it. But there-it is

h she sealed it up. A year later she brok

r heart again and again. Nothing he ever had said had

im two days af

eautiful but for one little mistake,

r from Nottingham, sending her at t

t me to shame. What a ranter I am! We are often out of symp

is dedicated to you. I do look forward to your criticisms, which, to my shame

articularly strong. Often, as he talked to Clara Dawes, came that thickening and quickening of his blood, that peculiar concentration in the breast, as if something were alive there, a new self