The Confessions of Artemas Quibble

bruary, in the year 1855. Unlike most writers of similar memoirs, I shall cast n

ily came over on the good ship Susan and Ellen in 1635, and, after marrying a lady's maid who had been his fellow passenger, settled i

ents, which to some extent may account for my otherwise inexplicable distaste for things ecclesiastical. My mother was poor, after wedlock, owing to the eccentricity of a parent who was so inexorably opposed to reli

perpetuities or restraints upon alienation; or whether in his enthusiasm for the Society for the Propagation of Free Thinking, which he had established and intended to perpetuate, he had not been guilty of some technical slip or blunder that would enable me to seize upon i

d permitted the passer-by to view the family as we sat at meat or enjoyed the moderate delights

ts. The former stood me in good stead, but the latter I fear had small effect. At any rate, the impression made upon me bore little fruit, and after three years of them I found myself in about the same fr

nd much preferred browsing among the miscellaneous books piled in a corner of th

of the neck and force my nose toward the plate of Indian mush-which was the family staple at supper-with the command, "Eat, boy!" Sometimes he was kind to a degree which, by a yawning of the imagination, might be regarded as affectionate, but this was only from a sense of religious duty. At such ti

ed to gratify. I think she secretly longed for the freedom that had been hers under the broader roof of her father's stately mansion on High Street. But s

for the fact that when he died he bequeathed a moderate sum in trust, "the proceeds to be devoted to the support and maintenance of

man inhabited a musty little office, the only furniture in which consisted of a worn red carpet, a large engraving of the Hon. Jeremiah Mason, and a table covered with green baize. I recall also a little bronze horse which he used as a paper weight. He had a shrewd wrinkled face of the color of parchment, a thick yellow wig, and a blue cape coat. His practice consisted almost entirely in drawing wills and executing them after the decease of

ons, when he had laid me under a similar adjuration, I asked him whether he had ever heard of the man who made his son take off his hat whenever he met a pig-on the ground that his father

"I wish your gran'ther co

explanation he turned

did not see him fo

things of literature and life, take no thought for the morrow or indeed even for the day. He was entirely incapable of earning a living and had been successively an actor, a lecturer, a preacher, and a pedagogue. He was a fine scholar of Latin and could quote Terence, Horace, and Plautus in a way t

s received the modest sum of two hundred and seventy-five dollars a year. In exchange for this they gave board, lodging, and tuition. Each of us received separate instruction-or as Quirk expressed it "individual attention"-and excellent instruction it

grimaces, alternately side-splitting and terrifying. On occasions he would use the birch-and very thoroughly, too, as I have reason to remember -but he ruled us by fear of authority. F

t me to dress suitably and enjoy myself in such simple ways as were in vogue among the collegians. But coming as I did, alone, from a small boarding-school, proved to be a great disadvantage, for I had all my friends to make after my arrival and I had neither the mea

oston hotels. Thus though I made no shabby friends I acquired few genteel ones, and I began to feel keenly the disadvantages of a lean purse. I was elected into none of the clubs, nor did I receive any invitations to the numerous balls given in Boston or even to those in Cambridge. This piqued my pride, to be sure, but only intensified my resolution to become a man of fashion on my own account. If my classmates could get on without me I felt that I could get on without them, and I resolutely declined to appreciate any social distinction that might artificially exist between a man born in Salem and one born in Lynn, although

alf-world of the modern Athens, which was much worse for us, I trow, than would have been the most desperate society of our college contemporaries. There was a club of young actors that we used to frequent, where light comedy sketches and scenes from famous plays were given by the members, and in due time several of us were admitt

that our fellows had taken eight months to imbibe. It is true that the college at large viewed us with some disgust, but we chose to regard this as mere envy. That we were really objectionable must, however, be admitted, for we smoked cigars in the Ya

hats driving countryward in chaises from the local livery stables, seated beside various fair ladies from the Boston stage or the less distinguished purlieus of the Cambridge chop-houses. At noon these parties

ese I came to stand as a sort of sponsor, and was looked up to by them as a devil of a fellow, for I swore picturesquely and had a belligerently unpleasant manner that was regarded as something quite out of the ordinary and distinguished. These youthful spendthrifts I patron

in owing everybody, and in inducing each to believe that he would be the one person ultimately or immediately to be paid. Moreover, I was now completely spoiled and craved so ardently the enjoyments in which I had indulged that I would never of myself have had the will to abjure them. I had gained that which I sought-reput

I then discovered to my annoyance that a wealthy young fellow know as "Buck" de Vries, who had considered himself insulted by something that I had said or done, had been quietly spreading the rumor that I was a sort of hocus-pocus fellow and practically bankrupt, that my pretensions to fashion were ridiculous, and that I made a business of living off other people. Incidentally he had gone the rounds, and, owing to the rumors t

Hall. It was a humid spring day, and I recall that the birds were twittering loudly in the maples back of the Probate Office. As

d Mr. Toddleham, a

ically at me from behind hi

"it's you, Ma

replied, letting myself fall gracefu

ed, after a few minutes, during which h

rather pressed. I thought if you could make me

at legacy?"

my grandfath

so considerate as to refer in my presence as a pig, left you no legacy. He directed that as lo

"That puts me in

r looked at m

bts. I have followed your career with attention if not with edification. Even for the son of a Baptist minister you have done pretty well. However, life is life and everybody is not the same. I sha'n't judge you. I was a bit of a dog myself, although I don't look it now. But I can give you no more money for game-cocks and cigars. It is time for you to start

anger and spr

re to be insulted!

ham chuckled a

ing your living such an easy matter. Have

wered, stil

ch do y

-eight hundr

dleham. "More than you could earn i

t for fifty dollars or so there is nothing coming to me out

od behavior. He made me the judge. I'm your trustee and I can't conscientiously let you have any more money to drink u

the money?" I

ation of Free Thinking," he

ing like that ought t

ht to be a crime to

s!" he answered dryly. "I suppose you

ery resignedly. How did I know whether the old boy was telling me the truth or not? He had drawn the will and got a good fee for it. Certainly he was not going to admit that there was anything invalid about it. Why not study law-I might as well do that as an

uld like to study law

f the corners of his

'ther's will, mebbe?

I retorted

ng cocks and frittering your time

new leaf and give up my present associates, will you continue

er my office and study un

ments before. The setting sun sinking over the Probate Office entered the window and lingered on the stern old face of the Hon. Jeremiah Mason ove

ars and my ticket t

d gentleman had carefully drawn for me with his quill pen and then had as carefully sanded over was by no means inopportune. I took the shore-car back over the Warren Avenue Bridge, depressed at the thought of leaving the scen

a celebrated Cambridge recipe, which in a decadent age spoke eloquently of the glories of the past. I was in the midst of a highly colored speech-during which I must confess de Vries had eyed me in a somewhat saturnine manner-when the proprietor tapped me on the shoulder and said that I was wanted outside. Excusing myself I stepped to the door only to be unexpectedly confronted by the local sheriff, who apologetically informed me th