Further Foolishness

itch took Ser

sons," and she led him down the stairs

d. "Olga is their sister. T

re working as Serge had seen them before, beside

ad not

asselitc

ga," she said.

," said Halfoff,

ll not die till sunrise. It is twilight n

ked at th

said. "I do no

ment from his work

aid, "will you

Olga?" as

s for

gladly,"

nspector of police. She is in the prison of the condemned, the house of the dead,

that hung across the end of the room. Se

There is no second chance. We try our bombs in the crucible. They crumble. They have no strength. We are ignorant. We are only learning. We studied it in the books, the forbidden books. It took a month to learn to set the wires to fire

chest heaved. There was perspiration

ther," said Kwitoff.

t has power in it to shatter the prison. But the wires are wrong. They do not wo

nd his hands were busy among the wi

ked at th

ointing at a great ball of met

" said

se that is in the

from the wires l

said

for there was a meaning in his voi

st the wall and if the fuse

? The fuse is instantaneous. Without the w

mb in his hand. H

said. "I will giv

d hold the bomb against the wall and fire it," he said. "Halfoff

grasping Serge by the

f quietly, "let it be as

flame there came a great knocking at the door a

pa

ch laid her han

unded muskets on the pavement of th

said Madam

rned to hi

d. "Explode the bomb here

ame Vasselit

a's voice!

opened it, and a glad

Olga, and

claimed th

ned up th

e police, and in the street were the soldiers. The students from above had crowd

e Czar-Russia has declared war to fight for the freedom

d the students.

beside Olga. "The charge of killing Popoff is

aid Olga. "I swear it,"

Serge with joy in his heart. "You

"Since there is to be no punishm

they

ump. "I killed him

defend m

onour," cried the broth

asped h

him with a bo

ump, "I sat

rah," said

for a moment. Th

e birth of freedom. See! we need it not!"-and as he spoke he grasped in his hands the bomb with its still unlighted f

Motors, M

Movies: A Photoplay

NATOR

young days we used a magic lantern. It showed Robinson Crusoe in six scenes. It took all evening to show them. When it was done the hall was filled full with black smoke a

g: how can they expect to hear the pictures if they go on talking? Now it's off. PASSED BY THE BOARD OF

ight-but wait till I see what that is that's written across the top-MADELINE MEADOWLARK; OR, ALONE IN A GREAT CITY. I see, that's the title of it. I wonder which of the characters is alone. I guess not Madeline: she'd hardly be alone in a plac

hing keeps rippling and flickering all the time-Ha! there's the girl herself-come into her bedroom. My! I hope she doesn't start to undress in it-that would be fearfully uncomfortable with all these people here. No, she's not undressing-she's gone and opened the cupboard. What's that she's doing-taking out a milk jug and a glass-empty, eh? I guess it must be, because she

Say! Look ther

E THREE WE

te it isn't it? I was on to that in a minute-flick, flick-hullo, the landlady's vanished-wh

k, f

itself, on the screen. My! what a big f

jacket-by Gee! She is going to bed! Here, s

ssed out a chunk. There! she's asleep all right-looks as if she was dreaming. Now it's sort of fading. I wonder how t

inning-wheel-see it go, eh? Just like real! And a young man-that must be John Holdfast-and a girl with her hand in his. Why! Say! it's the girl, the s

RRY YOU. I MUST DEVOTE

t? What musi

h did she get back from the old farm all in a second? Got her street things on-that must be music under her arm-I wonder where-hullo-who's this man in a silk hat and swell coat? Gee! he

OT KNOW YOU.

mebody that he knew! And she wasn't! I catch on! It g

door-she's pausing a moment outside-that was lucky her pausing like that-it

s gone in-she's in there-this must be the Bure

D YOU BEFORE, WE

w-she's on the street

er room-cupboard still empty-

flick, flick-now she's on the street-got a let

Mead

dow

ow C

w

re's Madeline again on the street with the letter still in her hand-she's

OF MY FAILURE. IT

long altogether too quick-anyway, she won't

of the motor and going in-and another lot right after them-there's Madeline -she's stopped outside the window-she's looking in-it's startin

YOU IN HERE

cent of him. He must have heard about her being hungry up in her room-say, I'm glad he came along. Look, there's a waiter come ou

THER DIE TH

audience applauding for? I must ha

flick! She's out on the street!-flick, flick!-in the employment bureau -flick, flick!-out o

n-same old man-same old woman-she's crying-who's this?-man in a sort of unifor

I AM SORRY, I HAVE ST

s room again-what's she doing?-writing a lett

TE. IT WOULD

gain! Break their

ck,

n Holdfast-he's got a valise in his hand-he must be going

R YOU IF I HAVE TO

t-flick-it's New York-say! That's the Grand Central Depot! See the people buying tickets!

e Roo-outside a street entrance to some place-he's trying to get her

ll -they're dancing-see, look, look, there's one o

e again -it's Madeline and the Roo-she's sayin

E RATHER T

it's changed-it's Madeline's room again-that's the la

PAY, YOU MUST L

down on a doorstep-say, see her face, isn't it pathetic? There! They've

t's John-at a police station-he's questionin

EEN A GIRL

at he asks them,

E HAVE

ay, look at that man coming near to her on tiptoes, and peeking at her-why, it's Edward,

?-it's night-what

ith great ropes ag

at midnight-ther

! see! She's goin

r! Flic

ould she jump over Brooklyn Bridge and still be asleep? I don't catch on-or, oh,

g drinks-men talking at little tables-aren't they a tough-looking lot?-see, that one's got

DRED APIECE AN

ey've got a big motor drawn up beside them-look, they've grabbed hold of Madeline-they're lifting her into the motor-help! Stop! Aren't there an

at's John, he's telling them about it-he's all out of brea

EST CAR AND TEN MEN. IF YOU OVERTA

inute-see them all buckling on revolvers-get

with the thugs-there it goes round the corner-it's getting smaller, it's getting smaller, but

a bridge-it's heading for the country-say

ossing the bridge too-hurry,

trees! Notice the branches waving? Isn't it natural?-whiz! Biff! Ther

ng? It's slackened, it stops-hoorah! it's broken down-there's Madel

them! paste their heads off! Shoot them! Kill them! isn't it great-isn't it educative-that's the Roo-Edward-with John at his

d she's talking; say, isn't she

WRONG TO PUT MY ART BEFORE YOUR LOVE.

k, f

man in the orchestra's doing it with a little triangle and a stick-it's a little church up in the count

ack, flic

TROOPS ON

? I don't seem to understand. Anyway, I guess i

of the Car

ks and h

you will overlook more easily the motor in

ough for it"-she gave a glance as she spoke round the big reception-room of the Blinkses' residence-"and these servants seem to understand things so perfectly it's no trouble to us to

; that's what I like. I'm not much on the social side myself, but I do enjoy hearing good talk. That's what I liked so much over in Eng

G." She picked up a pencil and paper. "Well, then," she said,

rubbing his hands. "He's a

'll ask the Rev. Dr. Domb and his wife-or, no, he's Archdeacon Domb n

them two-those two, talking about religion, all about the soul and the body.

ofax from the coll

emember, the b

said her

a great light on woman suffrage, and Miss Scragg and Mr. Un

treat to listen to

in

on, there was a string of motors three deep along

ception rooms

ven in his own house, moved

side with their heads gravely lowered, as they talke

edged tow

" he murmured to himself as he got

ody?" the Archdeacon was ask

shop. "A little rub of shellac now

of course?"

n, but far less th

ery little thou

vely, "I went all over mine

e Bishop, "that it got into yo

f toast as he spoke. "In fact, I have had

pipes out with ho

had listened in som

murmured. "Who'd

ty-looking person came pushing to

rather late, B

h, Judge?" said Blin

!" said the Judge. "

ed Dr. Domb and the Bishop

lator, I think,

very gravely, "the terminal nuts

s moved s

mused, "how ch

into another group of guests where he felt cert

agg and a number of others wer

gs, to my mind at any rate, that has appeared for years. There's a

ed?" questioned

ther things there are sectional views of c

out the flexible b

Scr

inks m

l seemed stricken with the same mania. He

without any trouble."-"No, I simply used a socket wrench, it answers perfectly."-"Yes, a solution of calc

Mr. Blinks, "ar

receiving in state at one end of th

d and I went all through Shakespeare's country. It's just delightful. They sprinkle it so thoroughly. And Stratford-on-Avon itself is just a treat. It's all oiled, every

, to give place

mply divine? My husband thinks the French body is far better modelled than ours. He saw ever so many o

ere at the Palatial-it's moving pictures-where they have that film with the motor collision running. It's just wonderful.

" said Mr. Blinks to his wi

he assented. "I never w

've got to get a car, I suppose, living at this distance from the town,

they went home tal

ch as he ought to have. He seems to have observed nothing. I was asking him about the new Italian touri

said the Judge. "W

d Mrs. Blinks were in danger of

to his residence in an obvious state of excitement. His face was

ied his wife, "what

h, four thousand with ten off. I ran it clean round the shed alone first time. The chauffeur says he never saw anybody get on to the

ight see the Blinkses any morning, in

eacon, is that plug trouble of yours all right again?-Hullo, Professor, let me pick you up and ride you up

has got all his

ng about being crazy is

Sexes in Fiv

er-par

e cut flowers of the centre-piece, so that her eye could intimidate in turn all th

ossed her head a little

ceiling, with the upward glance that stands for innocence. S

ing up her lips and getting her phrases ready, like a harpooner waitin

loth (she had a beautiful hand) and smiled gently. The other women woul

ladies received the challenge of the Hostess

came a kind of deep grunt, nothing more. He had hea

d and thick as the Host himself. He knew too what was coming. He proposed to stand b

known to work side by side with women on comm

!" with dee

iness reasons, exclaimed with great

h Long Hair, known to write for the

erwhelmed in the general conversation before he could

ourse number seven, had reached the inevitab

n as dinner

eavy Business Friend had declared himself absolutely impartial and had at once got wet with rage over cotton. The Chief Lady Guest had explained that she herself was half English on her mother's side, and the Lady-with- the-Bust had told how a lady friend of hers had a cousin who had travelled in Hungary. She admitted that it was some years ago. Things might have changed since. Then the I

out of it the opening

onderful what women h

choed the Half Man

the sexes was started. All the women had been waiting for it, anyway. It is the only topic that women care about.

ued the Hostess, looking straight at her husband and his Heavy Business Friend, "that women are equa

erhaps-?" began th

ematics or in logical reasoning. We are not. But, after all, the only reason why we are is bec

ot be-?" began th

uld be just as well trained for the things they were trained for as they would have been now for the things we have been trained for and in that case wo

een silent longer than an Interesti

ying in London to S

ady Guest refus

able by syllable, "on that point at our Settlement. We have measured the heads of five hundred

ind-" began the

as going to say that when we take our measurements and redu

really more deceitful than anthropometric measures. I remember once say

pt the Heavy Host and his Heavy Friend,

ant your frank opinion, y

(it is pronounced Hondooras), and for another twenty while the Smooth Gentleman, who was a barrister, had discussed himself as a pleader. And when each of the men had begun to speak in the general conversation, she had looked deep into their faces as if hanging on to their words. So when she dropped her bangle t

fficulty before us. So few men are willing to

an with the Moon Face took his cue from it a

men always insist on dealing with us just as if w

ante immediate

etter." (She had no intention of letting go of the doll business entirely.

ade a rule of standing in all round, and had broken into a side conversation wit

the ladies speaking at once. To deny a woman's

ly. "I know it from my own case, from my own sense of humour and from observati

'm sure I have. I know I went last week to a vaudeville, and I just laughed all through. Of course I can't read M

in a moment more the ladies had floated out of the room and upstairs to the drawing-roo

ing so entirely to our point of view! Do you know it was so deligh

nto a seat by herself with an album over her knees, and w

s shoving cigars at them, thick as ropes, and passing the port wine, with his big fist round the ne

e till the cigars

ately, taking each word at his

this-suffra

h Gentleman, with great alacrit

led the Heavy Business F

ally discuss it with wo

n the Half Man sipped his wine and tur

fe likes to go to meetings and be o

amuses her, so I let her do it." His wife, the

r the others were looking at him-"another man that if women did get the vote the

men turned to such bigger subjects as the fall in sterlin

oom a keen observer, or, indeed, any kind of observer, might have seen that all fi

rass Bache

logies to the La

ry married man when he is turned for

f the seaside. It occurs again in November when his wife is in the Adirondacks to get the benefit of the altitude, and later on through the winter when she is down in Florida to get the benefit of the latitude. The breaking up of the winter being, notoriously,

r these hints on housekeeping for men. It may be that in composing them I owe something to the current number of the leading women's magazines. If so, I need not apologise. I am sure that in these days We Men all feel that We Men and We Wome

he summer-time, would only set ourselves to it, we could make life not only a

to realise is that it is impossible for him to attend to his housekeeping in the stiff and unbec

EAR BEFOR

he bare arm, the effect is both serviceable and becoming. It will be better, especially for such work as lighting the gas range and boiling water, to girdle the kimono with a simple yet effective rope or tasselled silk, which may be drawn

better still, he can summon the janitor of the apartment, who can button him up quite securely in a few minutes' time -a quarter of an hour at the most. We Men cannot impress upon ourselves too strongly that, for effic

ELECT FOR

mum of cost. If he is wise he will realise that the food ought to contain a proper quantity of both proteids and amygdaloids, and, while avoiding a nitrogenous breakfast, should see

, with a fichu carried high above the waistline and terminating in a plain insertion. A bit of old lace thrown over the housekeeper'

flax, split peas that have been carefully strained in the colander, or beans that have been fired off in a gun. Any of these cereals may be bought for ten cents a pound at a grocer's-or obtained fr

T AND

cardinal rule. For the moment, then, the range must be turned low while our housekeeper sallies forth to devote himself to his breakfast shopping. The best costume for shopping is a simple but effective suit, cut in plain lines, either square or crosswise, and buttoned where

EFFECTIV

nce our aim is now a pound of split peas we must, as we sally forth, think of a pound of split peas and only a pound. A cheery salutation may be exchanged with other morning shoppers as we pass al

e etui, or dodu, that can be carried at the wrist or tied to the ankle. The order duly given, our housekeeper gives his address for the delivery of the peas, and then, as

OR THE DE

asionally from the window so as to detect the arrival of the van as soon as possible after it has arrived. Among other things, he may now feed his canary by opening its mouth with a button-hook and dropping in coffee beans till the little songster shows by its gratified air that it is full. A little time may be well spent among the flowers and bulbs of the apartment,

IVAL OF

he seat. Now is the moment of activity. Hastily throwing on a peignoir, the housekeeper descends and, receiving his pa

THE PEAS

and, peas that are soaked become large, voluble, textile, and, while extremely palatable, are none the less rich in glycerine, starch, and other lacteroids and bactifera.

them thence into a net or bag, rinse them in cold water and then spread the whole appetising mass on a platter and c

BITE OF FISH, TWO LAMB CHOPS WITH ASPARAGUS, AND SE

down and eat t

WHICH HE

and his Friend

as Edited from his

IEWS ON H

one would think that after fifteen years of work an application for an increase of five hundred dollars is the kind of thing that any man ought to be glad to meet half-way. Not that I bear the man any malice for it. None. If he died to-morrow, no one would regret his

as a matter of fact I deny it every time I hear it, though every man in town knows it. How that man ever got the position he has is more than I c

e, of course, and I wouldn't like to have it repeated)-letters with, actu

ay-it's not ten years ago-I had an offer, or practically an offer, to go to Japan selling Bibles. I often wish now I had taken it. I

e too far; or some day I'll just step into his office and tell him exactly what I th

be careful

STER WHOSE CH

n't say that he is not a good man. He may be. I don't say that he is not. I have never seen any

ticising a sermon. I always feel it a sacred obligation never to offer a word of criticism. When I say that the sermon was punk, I don't say it as criticism. I merely state it as a fact. And to think that we pay that man eighteen hundred dollars a year! And he's in debt all the time at that. What does he do with it? He can't spend it. I

ding about the country like that-here to-day and there to

unishment. I see the need of it when I look about me. As I say, I trust I am a religious man, but wh

I see it, is not c

PARTNER

let me do all the playing. But the ass couldn't see it. He even had the supreme nerve to ask me what I meant by leading diamonds when he had signalled that he had none. I couldn't help asking him, as politely as I could, why he had disregarded my signal for spades. He had the gall to ask in reply why I had overlooked his sign

it. The irony of i

said-quite amiabl

I'd play a good g

od game p

I went out! But I don't think he saw

HOSTESS

ct? You'd think that even society people would be interested, or pretend to be, in real things. But not a bit. I had hardly started to talk about the rate of exchange on the German mark in relation to the fall of sterling bills-a thing that you would think a whole table full of people would be glad to listen to-when first thing I knew the whole lot of them had ceased paying any attention and were listening

se who care for it-I frankly don't-outside a theatre. But to my mind the idea of trying to throw people into fits of laughter at a dinner-table is simply execrable taste. I cannot see the sense of people shrieking with laughter at dinner. I have, I suppose, a better sense of humour than most people. But to my mind a humourous story should be told quietly and slowly in a way to bring out the point of the humour and to make it quite clear by preparing for it with proper explanations. But with people

n with questions about Flanders and the army at the front. I tried in vain to get their attention for a minute to give them my impressions of the Belgian peasantry

hat supreme old jackass of a professor-their uncle, I think, or something of the sort. In all my life I never met a pros

rly, but it would hav

e that is that she asks the

U

S LITT

e seen him a thousand times. And he's a boy you couldn't help noticing. You'd pick that boy out among a hundred, right away. "There's a rem

or fear of losing them. Some day when you come up to the house I'll read them to you. Come some evening. Come early so that we'll have lots of time. He said to me one day, "Dad" (he

box a while ago, and have got him taught to put all his money in it, a

and explained to him what five dollars meant, and what a lot you cou

you're the kindest man

me time an

an Twice-to

an his

I

the Commercial Traveller who sold goods t

! Well, I just got my grip packed and didn't say a thing and when the train slowed up for Midgeville, out I slid. "Give my love to old man Jones," one of the boys called after me,

oung fellers behind the counter. "He's in the office," he says, "all right, but I guess you can't see him," he says-and he

't want to sell you any hardware. I'm not here to sell you any hardware. I know," I says, "as well as you do," I says, "that I couldn't sell any hardware if I tried to. But," I says, "I guess it don't do any harm to open up this

ere to lose my time. But I'm not going out of this room till yo

nes. Just look at it: clear Sheffield at three-thirty the dozen and they're a knife that will last till

e house. I saw old Jones had his eyes on them in a minute. "What's those things you got there?" he growls, "those in the box?" "Oh," I said, "that's just a new line," I said, "the boss wanted me to take along: some sort of electric rig for heating," I said, "but I don't think th

se burners," says old

d on to the light socket, and old Jones, with his coat off, boiling

ster on?" and started in to give me the ha! ha! again. "Oh, I don't know," I says. "I guess this is some plaster, isn't it?" and I took o

the boys

rom our house now. Oh, he ain't ba

I

y the man who has once had

ents reminds me of a strange

ber. But, anyway, I was sitting up by myself very late reading. As I say, it was late, and, after all the noises in the street had stopped, the house somehow seemed to get awfully still and quiet. Well, all of a sudden I became aware of a sort of strange feeling-I hardly know how to describe it-I seemed to become aware of something, as if something we

as if some one were following me. Do you know, I was absolutely trembling when I got into the dining-room and got the lights turned on. I walked over to the sideboard and poured myself out a drink of whisky and soda. As you know, I never ta

to happen and was prepared for it. But do you know when I walked into the room again the feeling, or presentiment, or whatever it was I had had, was absolutely gone. There was my book lying just where I had lef

sideboard that I was still shaking a little. So I took a small drink of whisky-though as a r

feeling-a sort of drowsiness. I remember, in a dim way, going t

had broken her arm in Cincinnati. Strange, wasn't it? No, not at half-past two during that night-that's the inexplicable part of it. She

m telepathic-that's all. I imagine that, if I wanted to, I could talk with t

eldom take more than- thanks, th

I

tive in which the

arly struggles by

re isn't a man in the shoe business to-day can write a better letter than I can. But all that I know is what I've learned myself. Why, I can't do fractions even now. I don't see that a man need. And I never learned no geography, except what I got for myself off railroad folders. I don't believe a man needs more than that anyway. I've got my boy at Harvard now. His mother was se

ts to my name. I lived on it for nearly a week while I was walking round hunting for a job. I used to get soup for three cents, and roast beef with potatoes, all you

, you wouldn't likely. It's complicated. Even in those days there were thirty-five machines went to the making of a shoe, and now we use as

od from the first day. I got four a week at the start,

es?" "How?" says he. "Why," I said, "that foreman I'm working under on the machine, I've watched him, and I can do his job; dismiss him and I'll take over his work at half what you p

ve about a hundred dollars a month on your overhead costs?" "How can I do that?" says he. "Sit down." "Why," I said, "you dismiss Mr. Jones and give me his place as manager of the floor, and I'll undertake to do his work, and mine with it, at a hundred less than you're paying now." He turned and went into the inner office

ears, and I saved all my salary except twenty-five dollars a month, and I lived on that. I never spent any money anyway. I went once to see Irving do this Macbeth for twenty-five cents, a

n, the general manager." "Why, what's he done?" he says. "Nothing," I said, "but I can take over his job on top of

and all that-they don't teach that sort of thing in colleges-but even you would understand something about dividends and would see that an energetic man with lots of character and business in him, If he's general manager can just do w

managing director, and most of the board had pretty well lost track of the details and didn't understand it. There's an awful lot, you know, in t

was a mighty hard man to see. He wouldn't let any man see him unless he knew first what he was going to say. But I went up to his residence at night, and I saw him th

"clean down to zero-and they'll none of them know why. You can buy the lot of them out at yo

with a sort of hard look. He had a fine busi

. But I'll put nothing in writing." "Mr. Guggenbaum, you don't need to

she'd done wrong about letting me in. But I said to her it was all right, and after that wh

fixed up a strike of the hands on the other. We passed the dividend two quarters running, and within a year we had them all scared out and the bulk of the littl

f the industry in two states and more than that now, because we have th

daughter, see, so I didn't exactly need to squeeze him out. He lives up with us now, but he's pretty old and past business. In fact, I do it all for him now, and pretty well everything he has is signed over to my wife. She

somehow-I'm afraid he takes more after his mother; or else it's the college that's

in Still Li

in the back part of his shop, his tape woven about his n

ge," he says, "or p

to us. We have had no others for thi

h all the gusto of a new idea, as if the thought of dark blue had sprung up as an inspir

as he says this is such as to suggest that by sheer good fortu

ws that in this attitude it is hard to resist him. Cloth to be appreciated as

efinitely, on one leg in a sort of

make up well

ly," he

uld not make up well. But I always ask the question as I know that he expects

ll loud?" I say. He alwa

In fact we always recommen

ld suit in my life. B

ther measures were taken years ago. Even the chest measure i

he turns to his assistant. "Mr. Jennings, a little ful

around the chest is flatterin

y special meaning-"and shall we say a week from T

ailor waves this aside. He does not care to talk about the

correspondence, and that only in a decorou

ely, "pressed" owing to "large consignments from Europe." But for these heavy consignments, I am sure I should never need to pay him. It is true that I have sometime

r passes to the weather. Ordinary people always begin with this topic. Tailors, I

never other, so I notice, with him. Perhaps the o

ds the front of the store o

uppose," says my tai

thank

bought any shirtings from him. Yet he asks the questio

uppose, in collar

e. Collars I buy el

never

mehow if he failed to speak of shirtings and hosie

door

ys. "A week from Tuesda

tercourse, unvaried or at least brok

hat is until ju

were people in the store, unloading shelves and piling cloth and taking stock. And they told me that he was de

t of the shop. Can a man die of that? Yet he had been "going behind," they said (however that is done), for years. His wife, they told me, would be left badly off. I had never conceived him as having a wife. But it seemed that he had, and a daughter, too, at a cons

emed to hear his v

g to-day in

I had neve

l in this. But I will not try to dr

ar, and

ny from W

strange psychological experience of a kind that (outs

th, I had f

ars as a Toady, or The Per-Hapsburgs as I Didn't Know Them. Her account of the life of the Imperial Family of Austria, simple, unaffected, home-like; her picture of the good old Emperor, dining quietly off a cold potato and sitting after dinner playing softly to himself on the flute, while his attendants gently withdrew one by one from

way's work I turne

le book, Easy Mark

its Funds; and af

ound's Despatche

l Letters t

e I fell asleep

r it was or was not that I fell asleep

explanation as to h

state t

on the grassy bank

t is, alas, never seen in British countries. The trees stood in neat lines, with the name of each nailed to it on a boa

tood unwithered in the chill winter air, and arranging them according to size and colour. In Germany nothing is lost; nothing is wasted. It is perhaps not generally known that from the top of the

towards them, and each, with the simple gentility of the German worki

t must only be a matter of a short time

ing towards me with a stout man, in military uniform

whom I perceived to be wearing the uniform of a general,

Herr Pr

d at hi

ritz!"

gnize me?

wered, "you used t

McCluskey's rest

neral

s for waiters!" he

How odd! We were

wn name is not Fr

nt von Boobenste

dded proudly, "are

en I am commanded

hereditary right t

lea

erstand!" I said

ont

a record of the velocity and direction of the wind, the humidity of the air, the distance acro

purpose?

en, turning the subject with exquisit

who used to eat the spare oysters and drink up

not Max but Ernst Niedelfein-is one of the greatest chemists in Germany? Do you realise that he was m

arl?"

d himself with both hands and blinked his eyes four times-"He made maps of all the breweries of Canada. We know

was it?"

in shook

less we use Milwaukee as a base-But step into my motor," said the Count, interrupting himself, "and come along with me. Stop, you are cold. This morning air i

woollen muffler from the chauffeu

added, "this

Count," I

off the chauffeur's coat and shoved me into i

ce. Try one of these cigars! Got it alight? Right! You notice, no doubt, the exquisite flavour. It is a T

ckade" a people who could make cigars out of r

gars that have given rise to the legend (a pure fiction, I need hardly say) that our armies are us

telligence Branch of the General Staff. My particular employment is dealing with foreign visitors-the branc

id, "like the Bur

tal For

pressed. They said that, though they saw nothing, they got an excellent idea of the atmosphere of Germany. It was I who introduced Lady de Washaway to the Court of Franz Joseph. I write the despatches from Karl von Wiggleround, and send the necessary material

ders

d him t

at would you like to see? The army? The breweries? The Royal court? Berlin? What shall it be? My

like more than anything to se

red my companion.

r we were making our arrangements with a local

of the wonderful perfection

to wait half an hour. I am moving a quarter of a million troops from the east to t

roops trains go by and admiring the ma

site direction, from which a shower of letters were thrown in to the soldiers through the window. Immediately after

a beer train (Bier-Zug) from which bee

till all h

tation-master, "y

you

adows and fields, hills and

rozen ground. We saw little groups of soldiers drilling in the open squares of villages-in their quiet German fashion -each man chained by the leg to the man next to him; here and there great Zeppelins sailed

y signs of war

ets were brilliantly lighted. Music burst in waves from the restaurants. From the theatre signs I saw, to my surprise, tha

ste and a roll of papers over his arm, would swab up a casualty list

t of thousands of men, not in unifo

said, as we walke

don't und

to the colours, that made four million. Then of these all who wished were allowed to volunteer for special services. Half a million did so. That made four and a half million. In the first year of the war we suffered two million casualt

een these figures before. In other

and sixty, and the Landslide, reputed to be the most terrible of all the German levies, made up by withdrawing the men

hesitated to acknowledge it.

roke into hea

Food supply! My dear professor! Have you not heard? We have got over that difficulty entirel

-makers. Thick clouds of blue cigar smoke filled the air. Waiters ran to and fro with tall steins

ts, who sat quietly chewing the corn

t shall it be? What do you say to a ham certificate with a cabbage ticket on

has made me hungry, one of these beef certifi

said Boo

asses of beer and smoking Tannhauser cigars, with an appetis

d-naturedly, "that we have overco

ave,"

cigars (especially such a brand as these Tannhausers) during the time it took for the food to be brought (by a German waiter), all appetite was gone.

he back of one of the cards-not forgetting the waiter, for wh

or Alley of Victory, and listened to the music of the military band,

ly so," h

lass you call out another; and anyway one-half of those we kill g

y," said

rable. What with acorns, thistles, tanbark, glue, tick

n," he

, your soldiers at the front are getting dug in deeper and deeper: last spring they were fifty feet under

n Boobenstein wi

ly, we have you: sooner or later that whole proud fleet in the Kiel Canal will come out u

in broke into

. We have filled in the canal-pushed in the banks. The canal is solid land again, and the fleet is high and dry. The ships are boarded over and painted to look like German inns and breweries. Prinz Adelbert is disguised as a brewer, Admiral von Tirpitz is made up as a head waiter, Prince Heinrich is

still wilder and more hysterical. T

t better to

well spin a coin for heads or tails to see whether we

lish sovereign that I carry as a lucky-p

saw it, broke into a

he cried. "G

" I ex

w a place where we can buy bread with it. Real bread-not tickets-food-giv

the street were hushed; a sudden darkness fell; and a wind swept among the trees of the Al

ad! We are

I wok

ul Aziz

re in the

ing my hand, not unkindly, on his

oke out into r

o smoke, with a gold mouthpiece. See! Wouldn't you like a little latakia, eh? And here's a little to

ill he

his ears and his face wa

mpossible t

e Yildiz Kiosk where we were sitting on a Persian bench under a

sumed the character and disguise of an English governess. I had long since remarked that an English governess is able to go anywhere, see everything, penetrate the interior of any royal palace and move to and fro as she pleases without hindrance and without insult. No barrier can stop her. Every royal court,

s now m

of which I speak, it

k dress which I had assumed had proved an ample protection. None of the rude Turkish soldiers among whom I had passed had of

erview with Codfish Pasha, the Secretary of War, whom I found a charming man of great intelligence,

ointed as English, or rather Ca

I ans

our ob

write a book o

nt," sai

n a flag-stoned hall of the Yildiz Kiosk, with

Here I was at the outset, with the unhappy Abdul bent and b

in his queer costume and his long slippers with his fez fallen over his lemon-coloured f

Abdul," I sa

moment in

Abdul?" he asked.

"I thought all you

e Sultan's name

newed weeping. "Call me anything you like. It doesn't matter. Anyway I'd rather be called Abd

tle Sultan burst into

stop crying, I'll go and fetch one o

ltan found hi

ub-Bub-Bashi-Bazouk

xclaimed. "Where

-taken them

o h

d Abdul. "And they've sent

m up a little as he sat. "Brace up! Be a Turk

ng to himself, "Allah, Illallah, Mohammed rasoul Allah!" He said this over a good many time

ave I said it?" h

ent

?" said the Sultan, regaining himself a little

uck blue smoke out of it with a certain contentme

his cushions and made him a little more com

ered, "they've

cry! Tell

one b-b-back o

ho've gone b

e English and the F

interest. "Tell me exactly what you mean. Wh

y to a volume of int

d every now and then they used to send me the nicest ultimatums-Oh, you don't know," he broke off, "how nice it used to be here in the Yildiz in the old days! We used all to sit round here, in this very hall, me and the diplomats, and play games, such as 'Ultimatum, ultimatum, who's got the ultimatu

t it all, Abdu

to present me-the diplomats did-with what they called their Minimum, and then we (I mean Codfish Pasha and

dn't go on for

nning to copy it. In fact, we were leading the world, before all this trouble came. D

to think of it, we were getting into

e you are! All changed! The

said, "you still

aria

shed with anger as he withdrew his

he said between his

y're your

r. They're on our side! Who ever heard of such a thing? Bah! But, of course," he added more quietly, "we shall massacre them just

e the German

d Abdul, laying h

ne migh

he Germans,

sson, "are my noble friends, the Germans are my powerful allies, the Kaiser is my good brother, the Reich

," I said, "who ta

ed cautiou

u like me to recite some more? Or, no, no, what's the good? I've no h

u so distressed just now? All this has been going on

haven't heard! I see-you've only just arrived. Why,

for what

by the end of this full moon-our astrologers had predicted it-Smith Pasha, Minister under Heaven of the United States, ha

my ear caught the

ome one co

was distinctly heard on the

ned intentl

s slippers

is

etary, Toomuch Koffi

ged Turk, in a flowing gown and coloured turban, with a melancho

he is?" I whis

," he whispered bac

like it,"

agstones of the hall where we were sitting. With hands l

that mean?"

"that he has a communication of the greatest importan

oesn't he get a mo

" said

ghtened himself from hi

s great!

his prophet," rej

u! And make your

om

all eagerness to know what it is-it's something big, for sure." The little man was quite quivering with excitement as he spoke. "Do you kn

ry him up

iness like that. He must have some coffee first and then he

s getting as impati

lic business like

n con

t we have got o

on for the secretary, and in front of it a little Persian stoo

was placed bef

!" sai

l the lips of th

thf

you,'" I said.

took

s good,"

are of Allah," r

jewel from his robe and thre

poor bauble

took from his wrist a so

ift from your humbl

as the ceremonies ended. "Now, then, Toomuch, wha

ed his hands high in the air w

without,

I asked eagerl

rstand Turkish? What you call in

tments of Ottawa, all that one would have to do would be simply to send in a card, get it certified, then simply wait in an

best. Speak on, Toomuch. Who is without? Is it perchance a messen

omuch. "It is HE. I

his eyes upward with

face. "The Large One! Shut him out! Call the Chief E

ch, "he threw them

here, he

e blow of an imperious fist, and with a rattle of arms and accoutrements a man of giga

in a uniform and a spiked helmet, called in a loud s

z Feld Marechal vo

t of His Majestat W

d King of

. His fez fell over his face. Toom

nd came to a stand in front of Abdul with a

voice, "I greet you. I bow low before yo

ort. He stood to the full height of hi

d Abdul, in a

ed the Field-Marshal,

I have said, I was wearing a poke bonnet wi

" said Abdul. "She

a pro

ld-Marshal, "a woma

e little creature to stick up for me. "She's all right, she

ritish Guiana, British Nigeria-ha! of course, under K-Kandahar, Korfu. No, I don't seem to see it -Fritz," he called to the aide-de-camp who had announced him, "telegraph at once to the Topographical Staff at Berlin and find out if we are at war with Canada. If we are"-he pointed at m

ked his heels

he Field-Marshal, turning abruptly t

erably, winding his clasped fingers

e Kaiser has raised you to the order o

ul. "Here, Toomuch, take it a

s as he spoke, "your contribution, your personal contributio

ake any!" s

pted anyway. The telegram has just arrived accepting a

still further in

e your Majesty's heart: Your

ious again! I knew they would be! I

r souls," he added reverently, with

on't say that! Not in Heaven! Say that th

vely. "This is a Christian war. The Kais

an bowed

urmured. "It is t

to yourself," and here his eyes glittered with soldierly passion. "There stood your troops-ten thousand!

ah!" he added, turning to Toomuch. "They have charged again! And we must pay, we shall have to

soldiers knew it. Even our staff knew it. Even Prinz Tattelwitz Halfstuff, our commander, knew it. But your soldiers did not. What did our Prinz do? The Prinz called for volunteers to charge over the ground. There

" asked the S

n, our

ks shout?"

t our generous fellows shouted for them. Then Prinz Halfstuff called out, 'The place o

hey ch

g up of the mines blocked all the ground, checked the Russians and enabled ou

uietly, drawing a little pouch from his girdle, "take this pouch of rubies and give them to the wives of the dea

ubies. I myself will charge myself with the task and

ssented the Sultan hum

re." He drew a roll of paper from his pocket. "Toomuch," he said, "bring me yonder lit

larm. "Not another manifesto. Not

at Toomuch had brought into place in front of the Sultan, and spread o

" said Abdul, peer

it. It's not

roud defiance to all your

. "Not defiance; they

inger on the text, "your irrevocable purpose. You swear that

t say that?"

eside m

an't do it," moaned

u state hereby your fixed resolve, rather than give in, to cast yours

st; don't make it

du

s withdraw from their advance on Constantinople you swear that within

d the Sultan. "Doe

ur. It is a splendid defiance. The Kaiser himself has seen i

ently flattered. "And is he too abo

," replied Von der

t with sand. "For one hour? Well, well," he murmured. "Von der Doppelbauch Pasha," he added with dignity, "you are permitted to withdraw. Commend me to your Imperial Mast

r, gathered up the manifesto, clic

behind him, I had

ll into hope

a look of peculiar cheerful

ghileh and began qu

uite cheerfully, "I s

aid the s

I had hoped that the intervention of the United States might have saved me. It

away quite

tly he

h me a sharp knife, double-edged if pos

of what had happened. But now I feared that I

l," I said, "what a

the bowstring. In half an hour I shall be in paradise. Toomuch, summon hither from the inner harem Fatima and Falloola; they shall sit beside me and sing to me at the last hour, for I love them well, and later they too shall voyage wit

le of contentment, the rose water bubb

ed to his se

" he added in explanation to me-"it gives Codfish leave to kill himself. And, Toomuch, send a bowstring also to Beefhash Pas

pleaded. "I do

ough. What would you do in Canada? When your ministers-as I think you call

. "They go out

sembowel themselves

not that p

said. "Wh

ence of the Faithful. Yet I thought it was so even as here. I had read in your newspapers that after your last election y

wled out,

h. And listen, thou also-for in spite of all t

g on his knees in gratitude and clutching t

ofessor, bring also for the professor a bowstring, and a two-bladed knife! All Canada shall rejoice to hear of it. Th

is too much. I refuse. I am no

our kind design. I saw it from the first. You knew all and came to die with me. It was kindly meant. But you shall

You forget. I have an appointment

ll is still law. Toomuch, kill him on the spot.

gladness, in the outer hall of the palace, doors swinging to and fro and the soun

n looked

y! hurry! Haste! Do not stay on ceremony. Drink a cup of coffee, give

endant had already burst in through the door u

in one hand a huge envelope, heavy with seals. I could detect in great letter

ened the envelope w

a, Minister under the Peace of Heaven of the Un

ence among us, bre

e missive, reading it

mured. "Oh generou

lendid

does i

es has used its good offices. It has inte

I said, "but

out me at all. None had designs upon me. The war was not made, as we understood, Toomuc

rmured Toomuch. "Why

whoever can get it. Nothing could be fairer. It always has. I am to have a safe conduct-is it not noble?-to the United States. No one is to attempt to poison me-is it

rmured Toomuch Koffi.

y, themselves, Toomuch, for are they not innumerable? I am to

sible?" I said, g

w is it written?-a Turkish Bath Establishment in New York. There I am to enjoy the same freedom and to e

lah!" cried t

e title of Rubber Down. Toomuch, let our preparations be made at once. Notify Fatima and Falloola. Those two alone shall g

d a moment and t

must leave to get out of this Yildiz Kiosk

h I

ul and Toomuch may be seen to this day, or to any other day, moving to and fro in the

ld be saying too m

lloola occupy

a very special talent for heating up the

whether or not the Kaiser and such people

n Merry

ay station of the frontier and looked around at the wi

r chaparral, a tuft of dog-grass or a few patches of dogwood. At intervals in the distance one could see a hacienda standing in majestic solitude in a cup of the hills. In the blue sk

the cactus cups, and, from some hidden depth of the h

in moving pictures that I r

s Mexico?"

ooden shack. Its door was closed. There was a sort of t

ppeared in it the head and shoulders of a little wize

and a tall straw hat running to a point. I seemed

when the next t

de a gesture of S

to Mexico

tell me-?"

ated-"our beautiful, glorious Mexico.

mind-?" I b

nment, thrice welcome. Su casa!" he added with a graceful gesture indicating the interior of his li

t I wanted to know when the

address me as a servant of the de fac

s gone a long time. I tho

what looked like railway time tables

stioned, "the _in_ter

terior,

an retreated into his shack and I could hear him murmuri

ared, a look of dee

rugging his shoulde

The next tr

e! W

Yesterday, last mon

there be anothe

take another one. Excellent! What business enterprise you foreigners have! You miss your train! What do

d, "but when is th

house and stood beside me on the platform fumbling among his railway guides. "Th

they go?"

t two p.m. A very good train-sleepers and diners-one at four, a through train-sleepe

rence between the de j

ht to go; that is, in theory, they go. The de facto trains are those that actually do

ean Woodr

son, president-de

at

erstand. And when will t

ike," said the littl

don't

the shed on that side track. Excuse

ergetically pushing out from behind the s

car on to the main track, "this is the tra

? What is the fare to the

d the idea aside wi

not speak of it. Let us forge

taking out a roll of

is all y

es

ut in our Mexico, no. What you have we take; beyond that we ask nothing. Let us fo

ass pleas

ore comfortable," he said. "Now seat yourself, seize hold of these two handles in front of you. Move them back and forward, thus. Beyond that you ne

as directed, to the handles and the li

" I said, as I gazed

and soil, those only, and she would excel all others. Give her but water, soil, light, heat, capital and labour, and what could she not be! And what

le bar that he took from beneath the car unloosed a few of

icans, when we move to and fro, always tear up the track behind us. But

sadly up a

, "like a patriot.

n," he answered,

iraflores de

call you si

do so," he answered, "and dare I ask you, in r

n a long gentle down-grade across the plain,

d. "I'm going into

al Vi

name, Raymon nearl

rancesco Villa! I

was shivering w

ou a picture of him instead? But approach him-it

d. "I have a written safe

m wh

, "look at the

ocuments I gave h

t! He will be compelled to send in an itemised account. Excellent! And this other, let me see. 'If anybody interferes with the bearer, I will knock his face in. T. R.

eant to,

aymon, "the nature of y

in Buffalo. It occurred to me that I might be able to help the cause of peaceful intervention. I

. And first we must direct ourselves yonder"-he pointed in a vague way towards the mountai

laimed. "But he i

illa is. In our Mexico when two of our generalistas are fighting in the

id. "Let us

hat we reached Carranza

usk seated at a little

bout, picketing their ho

re him, noticed neither the moveme

surprised beyond mea

Carranza as a rude bandit

of him, which I noticed with astonishment and admiration was Todhunter's Algebra. Close at his hand I observed a work on Decimal Fractio

e-de-camp, who stood beside us. "The Gener

le?" I said i

-de-camp

is an exact science. On this equation will dep

et it done?" I

ly," said the

ed up at this mo

?" he

-camp, "there is a stranger here on

e General, and turne

-de-camp

?" he

e likes," sai

ould you not, smoking a cigarette, and standing beside your grave? Luckily, we have one ready. Now, if you will wait a moment, I will bring the photographer and his machine. There is still light enough, I think. What would you l

eagerness a

mistake. I only wished to present certain papers and g

-camp stopp

A thousand pardons. Give me your papers. One m

ymon and I waited i

ymon, as he lighted a cigarette, "that you we

es the aide-de

"the General wi

where we had

th outstretched hand and with

rdon my erro

all,"

u do not desir

at pr

d with grave courtesy that sat well on him, "that you do return. My aide-de-camp

is po

le of decency, our scenery. Villa has no right to it. This is our Revolution"-the General spoke with rising animation-"not his. When you see the fellow, tell him from me-or tell his manager-that he must either move his revolution further away or, by h

himself again at his work. The in

d. A few hours' walk over the mountain pass brought us to a littl

t-a mule here and there tethered in the sun, and

e the sign GENERAL OFFICES OF THE COMPANY, and under it the notice KEEP OUT, while on one of its windows was

ore enter

, evidently American. "Yes, he's here a

s the Genera

assistant at a desk i

working this mo

turning round for a moment. "There's an

ssacre, but I guess that's for to-morrow. Go straight to the end of the st

d him and

no sooner turned the curve of the road than we came upon a scene of great activity. Men in Mexican costume were running to and fro apparently arranging a sort of barricade at the side of the road. Others seemed to be climbing the rocks on the further side of the gorge, as if seeking point

standing idle, watching the scene from

an cavalry," he s

!" I

n minutes: soon a

e's V

ere, see! This is an ambush. Villa rounds on

I exclaimed. "How

it out for three days? Why, I'd be in it myself only I'm

course, quite uni

where they're going

moved carelessly aside, "as soo

American tweed suit and a white plug hat, moving to and

ete are dead. Here, you, Pete, how in thunder do you think you can die there? You're all out of the picture and hidden by that there sage brush. That's no place to die. And, boys, remember one thing, now, die slo

peaker turned and sa

re. You," he said, pointing to me, "stay right where you are and I'll give you a dollar to just hold tha

ever known before that it was possible to

is not wanting work. He has a message, a mes

'll have to wait. We can't stop n

histle to his lips and b

nsformed. Rifle shots rang out from ever

rode. The horses that carried them were wild with excitement and flecked with foam. The Mexican cavalry men shouted and yelled, brandishing their machetes and firing their revolvers. Here and there

" cried Raymon, ten

ico? But look! Lo

are c

, their horses shoulder to shoulder, the men bent low in their saddles, their carbines gripped in their hands. They rod

ired officer steadied the charging li

ted in uncontrolla

cked, Raymon, t

ymon. "See-the ambu

on their haunches in the dust, and then swung round upon their pursuers, while from every crag and bush at the side of the g

is orders to his men, his face as one caught in a flash of sunlight, steady and fearless. His words I could not hear, but one saw the American cavalry, still unbroken, dismount, throw themselves behind their horses, and fire with steady aim into the

n the crew of the machine guns. See, see, the Mexicans are turning to run. At 'em, boys! They're waving the American flag! There

exicans leaped from their places with gestures of m

t continued, coul

n behind us the long sustained note of a

ant the fi

k velvet jackets. The American cavalry reined in their horses. Dead Pete came to life. General Villa and the America

to a tall girl, whom I now noticed for the first time among the crowd, wearing a sort of khaki costume and a short skirt and carry

"You ain't no right to ask me to go in t

broke off and said: "Frank, you boys done fine. It's going to be a good act, all right. But i

n at three-thirty -Hospital scene. I only want the wounded, the doctors and the Sisters of Mercy.

emoved his ferocious wig of straight black hair, and substituted a check suit for his warlike costume. He had washed the darker part of th

m afraid I came down here

d the General, as he

are to go back even

to make-your old j

a new cigar to be

ll

al shook

" he said, "but this moving

rstood. I thought there really

and took the whole thing over; they made us a fair offer-so much a reel straight out, and a royalty, and let us divide up

" I

"I done an American Marine. Lots of peo

rly everybody does.

d he's too decent a man to give It away. Say, I heard the boy saying there's a war in Europe. I wonder what c

exico. To what is she fallen! Needing onl

on," I said, "

rape Juice; or,

rac

JENNING

ID STAR

LANTH

RMAN A

Y PAC

O PRES

NENT D

ON THE

NERAL

any o

of Haiti, "is a sad spectacle. I

y around the huge dinner table, glittering with cut glas

eyes in his black and yellow face that was melan

he Peacemakers' Conference of 1917 and the company gath

Norman Angell, bowed forward as if in deep calculation. Within earshot of Mr. Bryan, but not listening to him, one recognised without the slightest difficulty Dr. David Starr Jordan, the distinguished ichthyologist and director in chief of the World's Peace Foundatio

tle countenance seemed to indicate her as a Lady Pacifist, but denied all further identification. The mild, ecclesiastical features of a second guest, so entirely Christian in its expression as to be almost devoid of expression altogether, marked him at once as An Eminent Divine, but, while puzzlingly suggestive of an actual and well-known person, seemed to elude exact recognition. His accent, when he presently spoke, stamped him as British and his garb

seemed to speak only to one another, and even that somewhat after the fashion of an appreciative chorus to what the rest of the company was saying; while the manner in which they rubbed their hands together and hung upon the words of the other speakers in humble expectancy se

ur moral standards themselves, are slipping from us." Then half in reverie, or as if overcome by the melanchol

on!" called The La

, as he put it back. The humiliation of g

nings Bryan cheerfully, "try a

icate?" asked

The grape is picked in the dark. It is then carried, still in the dark,

he President. "I am

some more of the

his eye along the r

ne s

ave some more g

ne m

redded tan bark? No? Or will somebody ha

till no sig

serious part of our business. I need hardly tell you that we are here for a serious purpose. We

a murmur

The Lady Pacifist,

gnated The Philanthropist, "whether I am produci

he humble person called The Man in the

as a social service so as to benefit humanity; any money they make is just an acci

pist continued, while his face lighted up wit

aid Mr. Bryan g

ed The Philanthropist, "is one

hered in

me to us in great distress. His beautiful island of Haiti is and has been for many years overwhelmed in civil war. Now he learns that not only Haiti, but also Europe is engulfed in co

general chor

f Haiti, who is overwhelmed with grief at what has been happening

is head pathetically as he relapsed into more natural speech, "dis hyah chile, gen'l'n, is clean done beat with it. Dey ain't doin' nuffin' on the island but shootin', burnin', and killin' somethin' awful.

ds "Murdered on the Lusitania," than a chorus of d

nguage a little, if you please. Murdered? Oh, dear, dear me, how can we

it murder?" asked the

speak of the 'Lusitania Incident,'" she added didactically, "just as one speaks of the Arabic Inci

here are always two sides to everything. There are two sides to murder. We must not

fused and out of his depth. The conversation had reach

yan saw fit to co

ther, to advise you. They will tell you the various means that they are about to apply to stop the war in Europe, and you may select any that you

sident

our friend on my

he Lady Pacifist-

guests at the foot of the table, of whom mention has been made,

k first merely because I am a

Mr. Bryon, wit

he men who looked at it would have felt that it was worth while to fight. But, as things are, the only advice I can give is this. Everybody is wrong (except me). The Germans are a very naughty people. But the Belgians are worse. It was very, very wicked of the Germans to bombard the houses of the Belgians. But how naughty of the Belgians to go and sit in their houses whil

t shook his head a

as a quarrel that is right and just." The President's melancholy face lit up with animation and his voice rose to the so

ion, let me beg of you. That would be fatal. We peacemakers are

erer. Her child had been killed that night by a bomb from a Zeppelin; she had its body in a cloth hugged to her breast as she talked-thank heaven, they keep these things out of the newspapers-and she was calling down God's vengeance on the Emperor. Most deplorable! Poor creature, unable

at me and said to one of his aides, 'Who is this?' 'This is Dr. Jordan,' said the officer. The Emperor put out his hand. 'So this is Dr. Jordan,' he said. I never

as been said to make it still clearer to our friend? I will try to make it as s

nt. The Negro President

ogy?"

en to this. War is waste. It destroys the tissues. It is exh

the table. It was known and recognised that the speaker had done more than any living man to establish the fact that war is dangerous, that gunpowd

h the air of a successful toastmaster, "I am goi

larity of The Philanthropist, whom Mr. Br

ropist clear

usiness-"

ked him gently

business just n

st bowed in asse

is that the true way to end war is to try to spread

cried the asse

eep on getting richer and richer till you have so much money t

d remained silent hitherto, raised his h

here is. Money and property, property and money. If you destroy it, it i

e dozed off aga

asleep again," sai

n shook

g that there isn't any war, that people only imagine it, in fact that it is all an i

minutes. I don't care what kind of war it is, or what the people are fighting for, whether they are fighting for conquest or fighting for their h

atest emphasis, reaching out his hand

ank, where I keep a little money-just a fraction of what I make, gentlemen, a mere nothing to me but everything to this man because he is still not rich and is only fighting his way up. 'Now,' I said to him, 'you are English, are you not?' 'Yes, sir,' he answered. 'And I understand you mean to help along the loan to Engla

he Negro President had straightened up in his seat, and as he looked at the speaker there was something in his erect b

veted on the speaker's face, "w

the soul of a single Englishman. I had his directors turn him from his bank that day, and he's enlisted, the scoundrel, and is gone to

ly and impressively, "do you know why your p

The Phila

he war, they would take a man like you and lead you out into the town square, and stand you up against

ry manner of undisturbed gentleness, "I don't think I will

as seen to be slowly shaking his head from side to side, an extreme mark of excitement which he never permitted himself except under stress of passion. The two humble

serious disorder. He rapped loudly on the table for at

, my dear friends, every prospect that within a measurable distance of time I shall be able to put them into practice. I am g

felt by all present that Mr. Bryan was certain to be President of the United States if only he ran for t

hich he tells me that he, himself, will never contest the office again. The Presidency, he says, interfered too

Dr. Jordan thoughtfully, "what abo

principles, the entire German vote-which carries with it all the great breweries of the country-the whole Austrian vote, all the Hungarians of t

greeted this

in the country. All the great nations of the world will be invited to form a single international force c

ecially the Negro President, were now evidently interested. "Say," whispered The General Publi

r fleet fly?" asked

all nations,"

you get yo

ith blue insertions, and white duck trousers with the word PEACE stamped across the back of them in b

e fleet's functio

sid

I cannot as yet say. But it's of no consequence. Whenever a case is submitted to the Board it will think it over for three years. It w

of approval greeted Mr

ident, turning his puzzled face to Mr. Bryan.

n view of the dom

one-quarter of al

sh sh

ilors Briti

hat they would be wearing internatio

ve a decision against England, then these ships-British ships

s working properly," he continued, "just in case we have to use the fleet ag

ident slowly s

times when he was just a lieutenant, down in the harbour of Port au Prince. If youse folks pu

by a sudden interruption. A servant ent

Mr. Bryan, with

nt of Haiti, sir

r and thumb amid a general silence. Then he took from his pocket and

are to goodn

aid Mr. Bryan. "Is i

resident sh

he said, "from my m

ad it," crie

and American Naval Squadron came into harbour yesterday, landed fifty bluejackets and one midshipman. Perfect order. Ba

Presiden

out. I guess I won't stay for the rest of the discussion. I'll start for

te House fr

the Diary of a Pre

at

it is! Why doesn't Congress live up to it? Certainly a lovely morning. Sat for some time thinking how beautiful the world is. I defy anyone to make a better. Af

tmosphere all over Washington. Retreated instantly to the pigeon-house

ly simple. If Admiral Tirpitz torpedoed the Torpid with a torpedo, where's the torpedo Admiral Tirpitz torped? In other wor

shed instantly and utterly. Feeling now loose. In fact everything splendid.

American has been in trouble there: was refused a drink after closing time and burnt down saloon. Is now in jail. Shall send at once our latest battleship-the Woodrow-new design, both ends alike, escorted b

a wreath of early japonica beside my egg-cup on the breakfast table.

treat Germany as I treat Piccolo Domingo. Now, what a fool question! Can't he see why? Roosevelt never could see reaso

eling in Washington

use at once. They offer to send piece of torpedo, fragmen

ey know it is a torpedo, how do they know it is a fragment

shington easier at once. General bu

d no submarines at sea, no torpedoes in their submarines, and nothing really explosive in their torpedoes. Offers, very kindly, to fill in the date of sworn statement as soon as we fur

shot up a saloon and retreated to the mountains of Huahuapaxtapetl. Have issued instructions to have the place

rican passenger lost. Name of Roosevelt. Christian name

g the paths but simply couldn't. This is a cruel job. How was it that Roosevelt grew st

aho, on the blight on the root crop: they say there will soon not be a hog left in Idaho. Expressed my sorrow. From Michigan, beet sugar growers urg

samples. Fragment of valise, parts of cow-hide trunk (dead passenger'

I stood and that I am what I am. Situation in Washington r

proofs. Situation very grave. Feeling in Washington very tense. Roosevelt out wi

ermany regarding the New Cases. Draws attention to fact that all of the crews who were not drowned were saved. An important point. Assures this government that everything a

. Prayers. We prayed for the United States, for the citizens, for the Congress

d to go with both ends first. Appeared impossible. Went sideways a little and is sinking. Wireless from the barges the Wilson, the Thinke

n Washing

and tried to sweep

r it. The dust gath

manage to keep it

cleaner! But where

y hands and thoug

he vacuum

d again. Feeling in

board, but one American citizen with ticket left behind on wharf at Ping Pong. Claims damages. Complicated case. Feeling in Washington much disturbed. Sterling exchange fell and wouldn't get up. French Admi

nada. Piccolo Domingo expedition has failed. The Woodrow is still sinking. The President and the Thinker cable that they are still standing by and will continue to stand where they have stood. Briti

th while? I wonder if Bi

re a year from now is welcome to them. They tell me th

eton University. I am to come back, and

ghts on Ti

the Ric

h people. Very often I have thought that I had found them. But it turned out that it was not so. They were not rich at all.

down town in a limousine to buy a fifty-dollar hat, she must be well to do. Not at all. All these people turn out on examination to be not rich. They are cramped. They say it themselves. Pinched, I thin

the same thing. They can't keep up with the rich. There is no use trying. A man that I respect very much who has an income of fifty thousand dollars a year from his law practice has told me with the greatest frankness that he finds it absolutely

if I did he would tell me that he found it quite impossible to keep u

ld me that he has a rich cousin in England who is in the South-Western Railway and gets ten pounds a week. He says the railway wouldn't know what to do without

d cases of richness. I can

er they are happy, it is understood that I am merely dr

go cruel trials and bitter tragedi

ten points in a day. Do they care? Not a bit. An adverse balance of trade washes over the nation like a flood. Who have to mop it up? Th

troubled by mon

ention to it. I could sympathise, in a sort of way, with his feelings. My own account was overdrawn twenty cents at the time. I knew that if the bank began calling in overdrafts it might be my turn next. Spugg said he supposed he'd have to telephone his secretary in the morning to sell some bonds a

me how much he would prefer a plain bit of boiled pork with a little mashed turnip. He says that if he had his way he would make his dinner out of a couple of sausages, fried with a bit of bread. I forgot what it is that stands in his way. I have seen Spugg put aside his glass of champagne-or his glass after he had drunk his champagne-with an expre

burden that one must carry. Wealth, if one has enough of it, becomes a form of social service. One regards it as a means of doing good to the world, of helping to brighten the lives of others-in a word, a solemn trust. Spugg has often t

tion to the need of further pensions for college professors; after all that Mr. Carnegie and others have done, there are still thousands and thousands of old professors of thirty-five and even forty, working a

is perhaps in the homes, or more properly in the residences, of the rich that the great silent tra

hcroft-Fowler said in a quiet aside to her husband, "Has Meadows spoken?" He shook his head rather gloomily and answered, "No, he

ner as Meadows-he was their butler-poured out the wine with each cour

ew my chair near to Fowler's and I said, "My dear Fowler, I'm an old friend and you'll excus

ery sadly and qu

makes a thing easier if one talks a

id, "it is a

for a moment, but

to say. I could

ining himself to speak with as little

p!" I said, t

n left last winter-no fault of ours; we

most a sob i

" Fowler went on, "but we know there

ve any reas

It's just a sheer case of incompat

over his face

that Meadows had gone. The Ashcroft-Fowlers, I am told, are giving up in despair. They are going to take

n colours altogether gloomy. There are cases

ne to get ruined, absolutely and completely ruined. They may do this on the Stock Exchange

far as my observation goes, all right

r passed bearing a neatly dressed young man, chatting gaily with a pretty woman. My friend raise

oy!" he said, as the m

ng with him

riend. "He's ruined-absolutel

ully hard. I suppose he'll hav

d shook

ly do that. I don't think his

ieve, to sell it. Some people thought they would have given up their box at the opera. But it appears not. They are too musical to care to do that. Meantime it is

l wears a seal-lined coat

mour as

k I should be allowed a few pages to myself

en in hand to write about humour with the c

iting in a literary journal, the very name of which is enough to put contradiction to sleep, has said of my writing

my custom in preparing an article of a humorous nature to go down to the cellar and mix up half a gallon of myosis with a pint of hyperbole. If I

am conceited enough to write about humour, with the professional authority of

everybody else makes this same claim. Any man will admit, if need be, that his sight is not good, or that he ca

go to Grand Opera," and then he added with an air of

say so!"

. "I can't tell on

, Sweet Home from

er a man is tuning

ona

g at his house that had a far better ear for music than he had. As soon as his wife or any visitor started to

I made what I thoug

ur sense of humour deficient in the sa

livid with rag

out a sense of humour! Why, I suppose I've a keener sens

attack. He said that my sense of humo

ll quivering wi

hat there are certain forms of so-called humour, or, at least, fun, which I am quite u

did you?" a friend of mi

own McGann, he shook his h

ll of jokes. I remember one night at the boarding-house where we were, he stretched a string across the

t a humorist! Did he of

e tomato soup, and beeswax and tin-tacks on the chairs. He was

at for most of us the time has gone by when we can see the fun of puttin

pompous man, slip suddenly on a banana skin. But it is. When a skater on a pond who is describing graceful circles, and showing off before the crowd, breaks through the ice and gets a ducking, everybody shouts with joy. To the original savage, the cream of the joke in such cases was found if the man who slipped broke his neck, or the man

on has been weakened. Much of the fun of

tain a large share of this

" When he saw the boys his gold spectacles gleamed with kindly enjoyment. He began waving his arms and calling, "Now, then, boys, free shot at me! free shot!" In his gaiety he had, without noticing it, edged himself over the sidewalk on to the street. An express

ey incidentally any real picture of sorrow or suffering or death. There is a great deal in the humour of Scotland (I admit its general merit) which seems

f his wife's entreaties always refused to do so. The wife was taken mortally ill and as she lay dying, she whispered, "John, ye'll drive Janet

he actual and vivid picture that it conjures up-the dyin

ng of the original barbaric attitude towards things. For a primitive people who saw death often and at first hand, and for whom the future world was a vivid reality that could be felt, as it were, in the midnight forest and heard in the roaring storm, it was no doubt natural to turn the flank of terror by forcing a merry and jovial acquaintance with the unseen world. Such a practice as a wake, and the merry-making about the corpse, carry us back to the twilight of the world, with the poo

cle is getting serio

iate. This is that particular form of story which may be called, par excellence, the English Anecdote. It always deals with per

kind of thin

egime. One day on going in to luncheon it was discovered that there were thirty guests present, whereas the table only held covers for twent

mselves with it. A mere roar doesn't seem e

generations of wit of this sort. In fact the typical Duke of We

Grace,' he said, 'rather a wet morning.' 'Yes' said the Duke, with a very rigid bow, 'but it was a dam

English who sin in

reproduce the real fun of it-to "get it over" as the actors say. The mere "facts" of a story seldom make it funny. It needs the right words, with every word in its proper place. Here and there, perhaps once in

n instance-a story which, in one

n him without his make-up and did not know him by sight. He examined his patient, looked at his tongue, felt his pulse and tapped his lungs. Then he shook his head. 'There's nothing wrong with you, sir,' he

ing left of it. Will the reader kindly look back to the beginning of it and see for himself just how it ought to be narrated and what

-looking patient called at the hous

ed even when told wrongly. This particular anecdote has been variously told of George Grossmith, Coquelin, Joe Jefferson, John Hare, Cyril Maude, and about sixty others. And I have noticed that there is a certain ty

difficulty of reproducing a humorous o

ily), "and he said, 'I always like to carry a slate with me' (of course he said it in Scotch but I can't do the Scotch the way he does it) 'just in case there might be any figures I'd be wanting to put down'" (by this time, Griggs was almost suffocated with laughte

lean against a lamp-post. "I can't, of course, do t

t, and the spectacles glittering with amusement, and he couldn't do the slate, nor the "wee bit chalk"-in fact he couldn't d

inner table an uncomfortable silence, in which everybody is aware that everybody else is trying hard to think of another story, and is failing to find it. There is no peace in the gathering again till some man of firm and quiet mind turns to his neighbour and sa

ho is haunted by the idea that one has heard this

amer going to Bermuda"-then he pauses with a certai

ever been to Be

man who went down to Bermuda one winter to g

, n

to get cured of it. And so when he went into the hotel he

go righ

'I want a room that looks o

, "Yes, I have heard that story. I always liked it ever since it came out in Tit Bits in 1878, and I re

is gay and light, they think the process must be. Few people would realise that it is much harder to write one of Owen Seaman's "funny" poems in Punch than to write one of the Archbishop of Canterbury's sermons. Mark Twain's Huckleberry Finn is a greater work than Kant's Critique

t best, illuminates and elevates our literature. It is no longer dependent upon the mere trick and quibble of words, or the odd and meaningless incongruities in things that strike us as "funny." Its basis lies in the deeper contrasts offered by life itself: the strange incongruity between our aspiration and our achievement, the eager and fretful anxieties of to-day that fade into nothingness to-morrow, the burning pain and the sharp sorrow that

N