The Uttermost Farthing / A Savant's Vendetta

old gentleman who bequeathed to a distant relative the products of a lifetime of indiscrimate collecting; which products included an obsolete field gun, a stuff

cy than that which my poor friend Challoner had bequeathed to me when he

on in a museum case or in an art school conveys no vivid sense of humanity. That this bony shape was once an actual person, a Me, that walked abroad and wore clothes, that loved and hated, sorrowed and rej

t." Number Three was the burglar Fred; I could tell him by the notch on his fifth rib that his comrade's bullet had made. Number Two was the man who had fired that shot, and Number Four was Joe, who was "done in in the dark." I knew

k struck, I put on my slippers, adjusted the light, drew an armchair up to my study fire and opened the volume at the place marked by the envelope that I had

ully answered my expectations. But it had a defect which I had overlooked. The burglars themselves, when reduced to a condition suitable for exhibition in a show-case, were entirely innocuous. There was no danger of their making any indiscreet statements. But with the servants-female servants, too-it was quite otherwi

nd pendants and bracelets under their very noses, and still there was no result. It is true that the silver spoons dwindled in number and that a stray candlestick or salt-cellar would now and again 'report absent'; that the tradesmen's bills were preposterous and that the tea consumed in a week would have impaired th

laboratory to clean out the furnace, whereat they both turned pale and flatly refused; and I saw them half an hour later se

heir actual function they were quite useless. They drank my whiskey, they devoured and distributed my provisions, they stole my portable prope

on with them or he would have entered by some more convenient route and have used a false key instead of a jimmy to open the safe. He was a wretched little creat

d the orthodox 'stigmata of degeneration.' His hair was bushy, his face strikingly asymmetrical, and his ears were li

e of years. But this would not answer my purpose. Numbers were what I wanted and what I had arranged for; and it was with deep disappointment th

me one evening and was approaching the vicinity of my house when I became aware of a small man of seedy aspect who appeared to be following me. I slackened my p

uv'

a proceeding that caused him evident di

ye, and, looking first over one shoulder and the

you want?'

oarse undertone, 'I want to know what y

ll,' I repeated.

e 'im go into your house and I never see 'im come out agi

xample, like the late Bill, was an undergrown creature, and had the same curiously-twisted nose, the same asymmetrical face and similar ears-large, flat ears that stood out from his head like the handles of an amphora, that had strongly marked Darwinian t

he the son of your mother's sister?' (A few details as to heredit

bout it? I want to know what y

k I have done anythin

to your 'ouse and I ne

xceedingly bad logic. If you saw him go in,

iend interrupted, as though there we

e him come out establishes no presumption that he

He never come out

oned. May I ask wha

nce replied with some hesitat

he go in by t

'E went in by the

evening,

hem,' was

siness. Quite so! Well, you see, the common sense of the position is that i

hat I think,' m

p in and look round to see if you can find him.' I took out

g away hastily down the street. 'Yer don't

ou want me

'what you've been and done with

pted impatiently. 'Y

you git all them skillintons from?' Evidently

stions of that kind,

'im in. That's what I think. And I tell yer it ain't the cheese. When a cove goes into an 'ouse for to do an 'armless crack he stands for to

opose to do?' I asked

ghtily, 'for to 'ave the loar on yer. I'm a-

renewed interest. The resemblance was remarkable. It was plainly traceable even in the skull and in the proportions of the skeleton generally, while in the small, dry preparation of the head the likeness was r

ules. The players were respectively the burglar and the householder, of whom the latter staked his property and the former a certain period of personal liberty; and the rules of the game

der for hindering him in the execution of his private business might have emanated from the whimsical brain of the late W.S. Gilbert. The quaint topsy-turveydom of it ca

that not only had the complaint been made, but the la

mber Five's cousin. I was sitting in my study reading Chevers' 'Crime against the Person' when the housemaid

appointment and stated the object of his visit. I looked at the card again. It was printed from script type instead of the usual engraved plate and it bore an addre

usemaid departed, to return anon accompanied by

chuckled inwardly as I offered my visitor a chair. 'Experientia docet!' I had seen quite a number of plain-clothes police offi

u, Mr. Challoner,' my visitor began, 'to ma

hild. 'Concerning skeletons!' What an expression for a man of science to u

f course I had not anything of the kind. Mine was only a little private collection. But it was of no

ou hear of my col

by my friend Mr.-er-Mr. W

member Winterbottom

htily surprised; and not without reason, seeing that he had undo

you are especially interested in?' I ask

I thought of starting a collection myself if it wouldn't be

and have a

ked very hard at the safe, the mahogany casing of which failed to disguise its nature from the professional eye, and noted the massive door that gave entrance to the museum wing and the Yale lock that secured it. I

y little hoard. Is there any specimen tha

e wandering to the great case opposite. I was in the act of reaching out a porcupine with an ankylosed knee-j

ot more to show you,' I said apologetically. 'This is only the beginning of a collection

destals with the deepest attention and finally remarked, 'I see

hich I acquired the respec

er Five. I judged that he was trying to recall a date furnished by Num

engthy to put on the labels, but they

catalogue?' he

a dummy that I had prepared for such a contingency as had arisen-and handed it to him. He opened it with avi

c.' (He pronounced this word subdolichocolophalic' and paused abruptly, turning rather red. It is an awkward word.) 'Yes,' he said,

off with the one you

at I should like to acquire a specimen like this Number F

azed at me expectantly. 'You could, for instance,' I continued slowly, 'p

aimed excitedly; 'do you

wn part, not being gifted with your exceptionally fine physique, I have to adop

Of course you were joking about the lasso. But would you mind giving me the address of t

ious. I congratulated myself on the wisdom and foresight that had led me to provi

t. A very useful man. I get most of my human osteology from him.' I fetched my receipt file and turned over the papers in leisurely fashion whi

ass wire and screw-bolts, with springs to mandible and stout iron supporti

ealer in Osteology, Great St. Andrew Street, L

ound note-book of official aspect, compared the date wit

of finish. They are often of a bad color and may be stained with grease. If they are, you will have to disarticulate them, clean them with benzol and, if necessary, remacerate and bleach; but whatever you do,' I co

e absurdity of the situation. But his departure left me rather depressed, for his visit marked the final collapse of my scheme. Even if the criminal classes had b

to search for the man who had murdered my wife and to exact from him payment of his debt. Of this purpose, the collection had been, at first, a mere by-product; and though it was gradually taking such ho

r. Grayson, who had formerly practiced in London as a physician, but who, owing to age and infirmity, had retired to his native place, the village of Shome, near Rochester. Grayson asked me to spend a d

a very unsubmissive Mr. Gold-and the long tunnel near Strood was but the setting of a railway tragedy. My ultimate choice of weapon, too, is interesting. The familiar revolver I rejected utterly. There must be no noise. My quarrel with the criminal was a personal one in which no outsiders must be a

him suspiciously and waited for developments. But there were none. The fellow sat huddled in a corner, watching me and keeping an eye on the handle of the alarm over his head

e town and betook myself to the London Road; and though, as I passed the Falstaff Inn and crossed Gad's Hill, fleeting reminiscences of Prince Henry and the men in buckram came unsought, with later suggestions of a stagecoach struggling up the hill in the dark and masked figures creeping down the banks into the sunken road, I kept to my good resolution. The bag was a little cumbersome-it contained a large parcel of bulbs from Covent Garden that Grayson had asked me to bring-and yet it

disease), and would have stayed later than I did. But at about half-past eight-we had d

g to stay the night you had better be going. And don't go by Gad

e matter with Gad

of highway robberies lately. They began when the hoppers were here last autumn, but some of those East-end ruffians seem to have settled in the neighb

ike a good fellow, before the co

, thatched roof and gable-end cut pleasant shapes of black against the clear sky, and patches of silvery light fell athwart the road on wooden palings and weather-boarded fronts. I strolled along the little street, carrying the now light and empty bag and exchangi

e right tim

ed him. Nor could I see much of him now, though I observed that he seemed to be taking some kind of refreshment; but the voice wa

Higham. Of course I knew it would not and I have no very distinct idea why I asked. But he a

straight down the road a mile and a half and

a of a mistake. He was deliberately sending me-an ostensible stranger-along a solitary side-road that led into

g the rhythm of my footfalls. As I went, I speculated on the intentions of my friend and noted with interest and a little surprise that I was quite without fear of him. I suspect

tealthy quality. I climbed quietly over the gate and took up a position behind the trunk of an elm that grew in the hedgerow. The footsteps came on apace. Soon round a bend of the moon-lighted road a fig

silvery fields that stretched away down to the valley and listened, but only for a few

field and must have been plainly visible from the ridge-way. I did not hurry. Pursuing my way quietly down the gentle slope, I wen

getting ove

ooked back. The figure of the man stood out on the brow of the hill, black ag

in a soft, gray shadow, from the heart of which a single lighted window gleamed forth, a spot of rosy warmth. The bark of a watch-dog came s

, to an old chalk-pit where, in mysterious caverns, the farm carts rested through the winter months. Here I halted for a moment as if in doubt. The man was now less than a hundre

he criminal class had left me with nothing but a sentiment of hostile contempt. That a criminal might kill me never presented itself as a practical possibility. I was only concerned in inducing him to give me a fair pretext for killing him. So I ran on, wondering if my pursuer had ringed hair; if it were possible

rea at the bottom, past the row of caverns wherein the wagons were even now lurking unseen, and on until the track ended among a range

sharply. 'What are

wly. 'Look 'ere, mister,' said he, 'I don't w

d I, 'What d

ork. Now you're a rich man. You've got a very 'andsome watch-I see it-and lots more at 'ome, I dessay. Well, you makes me a pres

pposing

it ain't no good for you to holler. There ain't no one within a mile of t

I began; but he inte

n lunge with my stick, introducing its ferrule to his abdomen about the region of the solar plexus. He sprang back with an astonished yelp-which sounded like 'Ow-er!'-and stood gaspin

do yer in, I am. You'll look ugly when I've finished-Ow-er!' The concluding exclamation was occasioned by the

intest idea how to use a stick, whereas my practice with the foils at the gymnasium had made me quite skilful. From time to time he raised h

king about furtively as if in search of something. Then he espied a large and knobbly flint and would have picked

track between him and the entrance to the chalk-pit. He was still as savage and murderous as ever, but his nerve w

d at length, 'you chuck it a

out of the question to let this fellow go. He had come here prepared to murder me for a paltry watch and a handful of loose change. Common justice and my duty to my fellow men demanded his el

nt must be speedily arrived at. Rushing in on him, I bore him backwards until he was penned up in the entrance of one of the caverns against the shafts of a wagon. Then suddenly he changed his tactics. Realizing at last that a clumsily-wielded bludgeon is powerless against a stick expertly handled rapier-wise, he dropped his club

ing, on the wagon-shafts. And then the end came with inevitable suddenness. He rushed out on me with upraised knife. I stopped him with a vigorous poke in the chest; but before I could whisk away the stick he had clutched it with a howl of joy. I gave a final drive, pressed the button and sprang bac

ded into a huddled, inert heap. It was a quick and merciful dispatch. By the time I had cleaned the blade and replaced it in its scabbard, th

t be considered. The first question was as to his hair. Stooping down, with my pocket scissors I cut off a good-sized lock and secured it in an envelope for future examination. Then, taking out

middle of the chalk-pit was occupied by a large area covered with nettles and other large weeds. Probably no human being trod on that space from one year's end to another, for the stinging-nettles, four or five feet high, were enough to keep off stray children. Even now the spring vegetation was coming up apace. If I placed the

turning away to go when suddenly I bethought me of the dry preparation of the head that ought to accompany the skeleton. Without that, the specimen would be incomplete; and an incomplete specimen would spoil the series. I re

ous details of the simple procedure. When I came up out of the chalk-pit a quarter of an

me of them and was robbed of my bag. The possibilities that the idea opened out were highly diverting and kept me entertained until I at last reached Gravesend Station and was bundled by the guard into a first-class compartment just as the train was starting. I should have preferred an empty compar

erics entertain the quaintest of old-world ideas. And he was mighty near to knowing, too; for when the train had stopped at Hither Green and was just about to move off, he suddenly sprang up, exclaiming, 'God bless my s

then, as I held out his own bag, he looked from one to the other, an

was, when his eye lighted on that rough, globular paper parcel he handed me my bag with an apologetic smirk and received

opology in my museum, for I duly collected the bones from the great nettle-bed in the chalk-pit early in the following September, and set them, properly bleached and riveted together, in t

gue, Numbers