The Man Who Was Afraid

of life without accounting for it. All sorts of acquaintances were bustling about him; they appeared, disappeared, said something to him - his replies to them were un

elings, benumbed his heart and tightly clutched his brains. He was conscious but of the purely physical sensation of heaviness in all his frame and particularly in his

in the rooms, making much clatter with the heels of his boots; he cried at th

cannot bring him to life again with your sorrow, and your grief is unnecessary to him, for it is said: 'When the body is robbed of the soul by the terrible angels, the soul forgets all relatives and acquai

e came to himself, however, on the day of the funeral, thanks to the persisten

e priest's robes, and the dull noise of the slow movement of the crowd blended in harmony with the solemn music of the choir, composed of the bishop's choristers. Foma was pushed from behind and from the side

ther to the church, the mayor, and almost the entire city council. And behind you -

ed the governor. A little drop of something pleasant fell into his heart at the sight of this important personage, with a bright

," Yakov Tarasovich hummed softly, moving his n

s for it. Have you heard that Sonka is making arrangements for the laying of th

g glance, and felt relieved at once, as if a warm ray of light penetrated his soul and something melte

ith the breathing of the people and the smoke of the incense, the flames of the candles were timidly trembling. The meek image of Christ looked down at h

hen the touching citation was heard, "Come, let us give him the last kiss," a loud, wailing sob esc

diately caught him by his arms and began to push him forwa

- he is given over to the grave, covered with a stone. He

ead with his lips and sprang ba

remarked to him, in a low voice, and these simple, calm

rth by the black, swollen face of his father, and this horror somewhat sobered his soul, which had been intoxicated by the mournful music of the Church's lament for its sinful son. He was surrou

n upon you. The tom-ca

but they were useful to him, as the

d again bitterly and loud. His godfather immediately seized him by

ars we lived together in perfect harmony - how much had been spoken, how much thought - how much sorrow drunk. You are young; it is not for you to grieve! Your life is be

ivering, and from his small eyes frequent tears were running over the now contracted wrinkles of his face. He looked so pitiful and

ather - darli

, and, heaving a deep sigh, he suddenly tu

n. "You are now the commander-in-chief in the war and you must command your soldiers bravel

s words and for some reason or other they reminded him of those clods

make war?" said

her tell you that I was a clever o

di

at man, but he did not look far before him and he could not take my advice. He gained success in life not with his mind, b

is t

sick. She will

it," begged Fom

f the earth, as it is said; and even as he has intercourse with the world, he absorbs grease and oil, sweat and tears - a soul and a mind form themselves in him. And from this he starts to grow upward and downward. Now, you see his price is a grosh, now a fifteen copeck silver piece, now a hundred

a

do you u

ryth

bly lying?" Ma

e die?" asked Fo

s face with regret, sm

for himself that if it is a river, it must be flowing somewher

andom," said Foma, sternly. "T

also submits on agitation, stirred up by men, and death renovates the waters of the sea of life, that they m

But my fath

ll die

he fact that people are growin

obably reason in the same way: what have we to do with the fact that there are all sorts

and noticing that the old man was smiling,

father, that you

nion is this: if a fool give you honey, spit upon it; if a wise man give you poison, drink

s offended and angered Fom

peak without the

n to sparkle with alarm. "Each man uses the very

was s

f it. It is foolish, dear, for a live man to think of death. 'Ecclesiastes' reflected on death

r; the hall was crowded and suffocating. Silently, Foma drank a glass of vodka, then another, and a third. Around him they were munching and smacking their lips; the vodka poured out from the bottles was gurgling, the wine-glasses were tinkling. They were speaking of dried sturgeon and of th

of salmon, pepper it thickly, cover it with another slice

own at the fat lips and at the jaws chewing the tasty food, and he felt like crying out and dri

more sociable," said Mayakin i

here? Is this a taver

ght and hastily turned to look ar

he talk was subsiding, some of the guests began to bustle about hurriedly, others, offended, fro

met these glances wit

leaming amid the crowd of people like an ember amid a

ers and walked off towar

ll not

ind him and his godfather's whe

at was at once fathe

vodka, and in his heart there was a growing grudge against men. Some indefinite, impersonal feelings and thoughts were springing up and vanishing within him; before him flashed the bald skull of his godfather with a little crown of silver hair and with a dark face, which resembled the faces of the ancient ikons. This face with the toothless mouth and the malicious smile, rousing in Foma hatred and fear, augmented in him the consciousness of solitude. Then he recalled the kind eyes of Medinskaya and her small, graceful figure; and beside her arose the t

live now that

en he felt that he was shivering with

to the ceremony of the corner-stone laying of the lodging-asylum. Medinskaya notified him in a letter the day before, that he had been elected as a member of the building committee and also as honorary member of the society of which she was p

h! Hol

sidewalk. He was in a frock-coat that reached his heels,

to the carriage like a monkey. "To tell the truth, I was waiting f

ing there?"

w they will bury my frien

Why do you frown upon me? Don't fear, you wi

spaper this morning that you were elected as a member of the buil

es

l eat into your pock

uldn't r

" observed the ol

tle wisdom in this charity business, and I may even say th

o aid people?" a

ou had better come up to my house, I'll open your eye

will come!"

the corner-stone. Stand in view of everybody. If I don't tell

de myself?" said

as money. With honour a business man will get credit everywhere, and everywhere there is a way open to him. Then come forward, so that everybody may see you and

he bishop, the governor, the representatives of the city's aristocracy and the administration formed, together with the splendidly dressed ladies, a big bright group and

e have robbed their bellies t

r before the bishop, in a

cellency? Give me your

shaking and squeezing Mayakin's hand, while the old man was at the s

n a word, with all those people whom he considered it necessary to greet first; such as these, however, were few. He jested, smiled and at once attracted everybody's attention to his little figure, and Foma with downcast head stood behind him, looking askance

this is my godson, Foma,

r misfortune, young man!" he said, shaking Foma's hand, and became silent; then he ad

for Foma's answer, he turned away fro

eautiful, clever, Yakov Tarasovich. Proposing to use the money for thi

all capital means that the city

true! Perfe

I don't drink, either, but what is the use of these performan

r replied a

an, this money alone will suffice, and in case it shouldn't, we can ask for more in St. Petersburg - they'll g

you! But how the liberals beg

s been their bu

of the cathedral announced the

to Foma, greeted him and

the funeral, and my heart saddened. M

er and felt as though

ul, my poor child! I may speak to you t

laimed Fom

e asked, naively lo

, his head bent

ieve that I am

thing you may say; only this is not true

rue? What do y

cannot speak!" said Foma, sadly, all af

ccessible to everybody. But there are people to whom education is not only unnecessary, but who can also be harmed by

answer to this questi

k you h

a's eyes, Foma appeared ridiculous and stupid in his own eyes; he

I cannot deceive. If I see something to

ting her dress, she accidentally stroked Foma's hand, in which he held hi

ent at the dinner, won't

es

at the meeting

out f

u will drop in, simply o

nk you! I

nk you for

the bishop, who recited the prayer expressively, outstretching hi

rm unto it; may it be completed in thy benevolence, and free

our prayers are, are the

ut understanding her words and f

not for the organisation of life; these are their only measures: the newspapers and Sweden! [Mayakin speaks of Sweden, meaning Switzerland.- Translator's note.] The doctor scoffed at me all day yesterday with this Sweden. The public education, says he, in Sweden, and everything else there is first-class! B

on droned, his h

ry to the founder

s already by his side, and pul

oing to th

e, warm little hand glided

skaya, who was seated just opposite him, was a high mountain, not a table. Beside him sat the secretary of the society of which Foma had been made an honorary member; he was a young court officer, bearing the odd na

atroness such a compliment as would satisfy her; and the most sensible thing is to admire the patroness silently and hopelessly. So that in reality, you are

is would end the sooner. He felt that he was wretched, stupid, ridiculous and he was certain that everybody was watching and censuring him. This tied him with invisible shackles, thus checking his words and his thoughts. At last he

d, red-faced, short- necked man, stared at him like a bull, with obstinate attention and at times he rapped on the edge of the table with his big finger affirmatively. The animated t

illing his lungs with air; he will soon pro

way?" asked Fom

ybody will und

minent merchants fixed their eyes on the big, wide-open mouth, from which a deep sound was st

smiles or their words, but the freedom and the cleverness of their movements, their ability to speak much and on any subject, their pretty costumes - all this aroused in him a mixture of envy and respect for th

s intention to marry him to Luba, the young Gordyeeff began to shun her. But after his fat

do you know?- you do not

er suspiciously. He did not understand the meaning of her words; did she

id she and smiled to him

you so gla

we don't resemb

er in astonishmen

ng her voice, "you do not love my f

uch," said

like him v

at

wiser, you will know it yoursel

!" said Fo

ost immediately, and growing stronger from day to day, it soon d

as always full of words which were unfamiliar to Foma; and she pronounced these words with particular emphasis and with evident satisfaction. She was especially fond of speaking about her brother

o be just suc

rward, simple-minded, and particularly kind and friendly to him; then he would unburden hi

at all interest her, and that she did not care to understand them. No matter how long these conversations lasted, they gave both of them the sensation of discomfort and dissatisfaction. As if an invisible wall of perplexity had suddenly aris

as evident that she was either ill or out of humour; her eyes were flashing feverishly and were sur

ting here alone; it is lonesome - I don't f

the matter with y

ell them to bring the samovar," sh

l table, surrounded with old-fashioned, leather-covered chairs; on one partition hung a clock in a long case with a glass door, i

om the banquet?" a

ed his he

ow was i

as if on hot coals. They all looked there li

hes from the cupboard a

ad?" asked Foma again, gl

and said with enth

I've read! If you cou

nce it worked you up in thi

hat the gates of another kingdom are thrown open before you. And the people there are diffe

deceit; so is the theatre. The merchants are ridiculed there. Are

a," said Luba, instructively. "The merchants used to

iry - tales, n

s; how can you judge? Books are preci

oes he read books? And yet he is clever! I looked at him today and envied him. His relations with everybody are so free,

e that want happiness for all on earth, and to gain this end they work without spa

ey evidently like one thing, w

not like

's

to change e

ing?" said Foma, thoughtfully

head. "Who cares there for my happiness? And then again, what happiness can they give me, since I, mysel

n!" announced Lub

s, but you can see at once that they kno

. "You understand nothing! Nothin

! I've simply not had time

pty man," said Luba,

l," replied Foma, calmly. "

hould think of?" said Lub

mpossible for me to live as I am now? I do not care to be made the laughing-stock of others. I c

dy," Luba advised him convincing

self; "but I cannot tell what it is. I see, for instance, that whatever my godfather says is clever

aristocrats?

es

Luba, with a smile of contempt. "Eh, y

em? You are not acq

Have I not read

rrupted. Luba made tea in silence while Foma looked at her and

nt who will do nothing but rob people all his life, nothing but drink and play cards? A savage? I do not want it! I want to be an individual. I am such, for I k

nds and bowed her

ng soul around here. Since my mother died, my father drove everyo

e exclaimed, with despair in her voice, and

a man, but there is none to speak to! I feel disgusted. We live but once, and it is high time for me to live, and yet there is not a soul! Wherefore shall I live? Lipa tells me:

d, uttering some

? There are no enemies here. There

words was some great distress, but he could not understand her. And when she became silent,

books are worthless to you, an

s face, and anger

oppress me. That your thoughts, like mine, would rob you of your sleep, that you, too, would b

spitefulness, that in his astonishment he did not even feel of

tter with you?

ty; how will you live? What will you give to m

it themselves," answered Foma, knowing t

re!" exclaimed the

tentively to her spiteful words; he felt there was common sense in them. He even came n

e clock and the cupboard seemed to have grown in size. The huge pendulum peeped out every moment from beneath the glass of the clock-case, and flashing dimly, was hiding with a weary sound now on the

Foma, reservedly. "What

peak to you!" repl

t nevertheless, what wr

Y

I

live? What am I? I am a hanger-on in my father's house. They keep me here as a housekee

I to do with

better than

e I am guilty

You must desir

wish it?" ex

this time the bell began to ring somewhere, and s

s fa

ittle longer," said Foma. "I wish I could lis

Tarasovich, appearing in the doorway. "You're

ds, he sat down near Foma and asked,

you been co

ferent trifles,

to her, with a grimace. "You just sit there, ho

t the dinner," Foma interru

bout the dinner. I have been watching you o

sked Foma, knitting h

erous, and that's all. When the governor, f

it is a misfortune to lose a father. W

ncy. That's what you should have said, or something in this s

m like a lamb?" said

ike a lamb, nor like a wolf, but just play off before him as though saying:

at is t

nor, my dear, can alway

papa?" said Luba, indi

l, w

ce atte

ndance; I teach him the politics of life. You had better leave us

f the chair, left the room. Mayakin, winking his eyes, loo

most genuine, true knowledge and philosophy, and if

's forehead were twitching, and they see

hers by your folly. Now, every act of man is double-faced, Foma. One is visible to all - this is the wrong side; the other is concealed - and that is the real one. It is that one that you must be

Foma, wearily "Everybody knows what t

l and a scoundrel, and yet all call him Ivan or Peter, and instead

this to do

flesh of man. He stands by the window and sings out: 'For the sake of Christ!' and by his singing he reminds us of Christ, of His holy commandment to help the neighbour. But men have so arranged their life that it is impossible for them to act according to the teachings of Christ, and Jesus Christ has become altogether unnecessary to us. Not one time, but pe

oma, amazed, staring f

ayakin, his eyes b

er did not think of thi

eggars to work and we need give no alms now, and since our streets have been cleared of the various ragged beggars, we do not see their terrible distress and poverty, and we may, therefore, think th

onfused by the old

aled out to the bottom!" exclaimed Mayakin,

long, ravenous nose was stirring, and in his

ands our life and regulates it? The nobles, the functionaries and all sorts of other people, not belonging to our class. From them come the laws, the newspapers, science - everything from them. Before, they were land-owners, now t

er that which was to follow, and which was al

tribute money for the poor, we look after them - we, judge it for yourself, why should we mend another's rags, since we did not tear them? Why should we repair a house, since others have lived in it and since it belongs to others? Were it not wiser for us to step aside and watch until a certain time how rottenness is multiplying and choking those that are strangers to us? They cannot conquer it, they have not the means to do it. The

I do!" exc

that this stout little man has in all probability an income of no more than a thousand roubles a year, while he, Foma, has a million. But that man lives so easily and freely, while he, Fom

of money only? What's the use of

Mayakin, win

nded. "How about my father

him for tw

how abo

thick. His soul was open to all, while his mind was hidden away far wi

sorry for

to earn even a tenth

ame Luba's voice f

ight in," sa

lunch now?" she

us ha

tling. Yakov Tarasovich looked at her, moved his lips, and

way, my go

and thought: "But he's cleve

e within him imm

er, but