The Diary of a Saint

stand speechless in delight and awe. When this little morsel of life, hardly as many days in the world as I have been years, coos and smiles, and stretche

e of the greatness of life takes hold on us. If it were but possible to believe in any of the many gods that have been offered to us, how glad I should be. Father used to say that every human being really makes a deity for himself, and that the difference between believers

ith any one who talks of God. The trouble is that one idea of deity seems to me as true and also as inadequate as all the rest; so that in the

a soft breath of wind came in with a feeling of spring in it, and a faint hint of a summer coming by and by. I was upstairs in the nursery when Tom came; for we have made a genuine, fu

poke, and said good-morning. Then he turned quickly. At sight of baby he changed color, and forgot

"To think of seeing you w

t me for myse

It is neither hers nor yours now. It is mine, mine! You shall not speak of h

the pink ball up to me and kissed it, that it was rather disco

want to ask you

ything you like

t to name her

to the window again. I thought that he might be conside

of what I would give anything to have forgotten. If I have any feeling for it, it is pity that the poor

me; that she was after all his daughter, and

said, almost doggedly, "i

ed to cry, "you'll be fond of her because you can't help it. S

a trace of his o

are any color you like, and she has on

th feminine guile, to divert him. We fell for a moment almost into the oldtime boy-and

y to give this nice little, dear little, superfine little gir

outland

o you needn't abus

lp myself, for you can ca

old him; "but I thought

is shoulders

r mind," he said, "

ll I had made up my mind," was my retor

t to he

o be Thomasine

surd name,"

ld answer, "but that's what she's to

his finger, much less caressed her. The proposition took him completely by surprise, and evidently disconce

.' I suppose that really you ought to say 'thee,' b

d, and then he bent

hed her forehead with his lips. Then he looked

I pro

e felt that she belongs really to

er in the middle of the forenoon, and the moment I saw her det

d abruptly; "I have com

y wits scattering like

ed. "We are obliged to you for taking care of i

baby always. She looked a

with you, Ruth," she said, "but you mus

ed he

"you are not fit to be trus

gly let the shadow of

by is s

child is young. I must do my duty to her from the very beginning. Of cours

could not help remembering the day Mrs. Webbe came to the Brownrig house, an

d wanted to love her, I might perhaps think of giving h

een black eyes

st the sort of worldliness that would ruin the child. It's come into the world

however, was after all her own flesh and blood, and I was secretly glad that to streng

don't you think the fact that baby has no mother,

t her. It's a cross for me to look at her, and realize we've got to own a brat with Brownrig blood in her.

er, as being made to serve as a living and visible cross for the good of Mrs. Webbe's soul, I could not bear it. Driven by that strong will over the thorny paths of her grandmother's theology, poor baby would be more likely to be brought to despai

"that baby is rather young to get harm from me or my heresies? Couldn't the who

with more determi

of course you won't mind the expense; but you made him marry that girl, so it's on

before I thought, "that you wo

Webbe answered; "though it isn't pleasant knowing tha

o me, by Tom's taking the girl, not by the service at her deathbed. Mrs. Webbe and I sat for a time without words. I looked at the carpet, and was conscious that Mrs. Webbe looked at me. She is not a pleasant woman, and I have had times of wishing she might be carried off by a whirlwind, so th

g for me to come here anyway. I suppose you mean to be kind, but you'd be soft with baby. That's

efore her?

ebbe f

see it yourself. She's got to fight her way through life again

s, just to show that I understood. She drew herself away, not u

itself hardening as she spoke. "From her cradle sh

her fierce way she must love Tom, so that his shame would hurt her terribly. Yet I could not give up my little soft, pink baby to live in an atmosphere of disapproval and to be disciplined in the rigors of a pitiless creed. That, I am sure,

I think I know how you feel; but in any case

made me turn my eyes away, because I knew she would not

, and, rising, began to gather her shawl about her

something to say in the matte

He wants her to stay with you. I suppose," she added, and I must say that her tone too

pressed half I felt, might well silence her. She moved quickly toward

my duty by the child. What the Lord

All the teachings of theology Mrs. Webbe turns into justifications of her prejudices and her hardness. The very thought of Thomasine under her rigorous rule makes me shiver. I wonder how her husband has endured it all these years. Saintship used to be won by making life as

aritableness I am

r comments were pungent enough. It is wicked, perhaps,

agging at it. She's worn Deacon Daniel till he's callous, so there can't be much fun rasping him, and Tom won't listen to her. She wa

"but I know you don't mean it. As for troub

for his own child, which is nonsense anyway, he'd be miserable to see

ght I almost thought that Aunt Naomi would devour her green veil in the energy with which she freed her mind. The thing which she cannot see is that Mrs. Webbe is entirely blind to her own faults. Mrs. Webbe would doubtless be amazed if she could really appr

anything of the sort. Cousin Mehitable has now entered her protest, and declares that if I do not give up what she calls my mad scheme she shall feel it her duty to have me taken in charge as a lunatic. She wants to know whether I have no decency about having a bachelor's baby in the house, although she is perfectly well aware that Tom was ma

has not worn off the pleasure by traveling too much, must have moments of longing to get back. I have had the oddest, sudden pangs of homesickness when I have picked up a photograph or opened a magazine to a picture of some beautiful place across the ocean. The smallest things can bring up the feeling,-the sound of the wind in the trees as I heard it once when driving through the Black Forest, the sun on a stone wall as it lay in Cap

ed to take care of her. I fear that it will be a good while before I see Europe again. I am sorry for Cousin Mehit

ies. The divorced wife of Ran Gargan is now reported as near death, a

oodedly matter-of-fact fashion, "and I'd make him a main good wife. But Ran wa

and, "you must not talk like that. It sounds as if

saucy head wit

wants to marry the man she likes best, and, barring

he was getting to be a go

don't always have that. She's better off if she'll take the man that's sweet on her;

he was giving to Thomasine that I took baby into my arms,

e Ran, but I don't know what he's got. He'd make me stand round awful, they say, and Dennis'd be under my thumb like a crumb of butter. I mis

of this sort. It is strange how boldly and bluntly this uneducated girl has thought out her relations with her lovers. She recognizes entirely that Dennis, who is her slave, will treat her better than Ran, who will be her master; yet she "mistrusts she will be more co

g as she can in any way compass it, and to deceive herself about him to the latest possible instant. I wonder what I should do? I wonder-Well, George has shown that he is not what I

s? What do I know about it

one human being from another, and very likely has not drawn very accurate comparisons between any of us and the furniture; but Rosa insis

s giving her her bath," Rosa assured me to-day.

ir class feel for one who disgraces herself. All this is utterly forgotten. The charm of baby has so enslaved them that if an outsider ventured to show the feelings they themselves had at first, they would be full of wrath and indignation. The maternal instinct is after all the strongest thing in most women. Rosa

of things quietly. It is late, but the fire has not burned down, and I cou

hed into the room out of breath with running, her face

I asked, "what

, and burst into sobs. The more I tried to soothe her, the more she cried,

ll me what has happene

up at me wi

e! I didn't say a word to him, because I knew you wouldn't wa

ent, "what in the world are you saying? Your

sullen, stubborn look came into her face that it was

she had no right to judge of what her father beli

punished forever and ever for not being a church member!" s

her; but she would soon have been in hysterics, and for a time I had to think only of her. Fortunately baby woke. Rosa was not at home, and by the time Hannah

while I take a little walk? Rosa is out, and I have be

r face brightening at the thought of bei

eel sure,-at least I hope I am right,-I felt the harm he was doing Kathie; but most I was outraged and angry that he had dared to speak so of Mother. I was ashamed of my rage when I grew more composed; and I realized all at once how Mother herself would have smiled at me. So clear was my sense of her that it was almost as if she really repeated what she once said to me: "My dear Ruth, do you suppose that what Mr. Thurston thinks alters the way the universe is made? Wh

es in the cruelty of the deity, and he has beaten his natural tenderness into subjection to his idea of a Moloch. It is so strange that the ghastly absurdity of connecting God's anger with a sweet and blameless life like Mother's does not strike him. Indeed, I suppose down here in the country we

till I hoped that the trace of tears on my face might pass for the effect of the wind. It was growing dusk by this time, and the lamps began

and still held his pen in his hand; the study smelled of kerosene lamp and air-tight stove. Poor man! Theology which ha

fault, Mr. Thurston," I

watery smile, and

ard for the fault or for

t my errand. I smiled back at him, and forgot the bitterness that had been in m

nded. I forgot to tell her she could call Hannah if she wanted to come home, and she is too conscient

" her father said, "especially a

things. I promised to show her about making a new kind of pincushion for the church fa

his, though it is true enough. He loo

nderstand that. If you think

ty for a word more. I rose a

Mrs. Thurston, and get Kathie's things

-room with another air-tight stove, and looking thinner and paler than he. She had a great pile of

, the veins were so blue on her thin temples! If I dared, I'd go every week and do that awful mending for her. I must get Kathie to smuggle some of it over now and then. When we blame these people for the narrowness of their theology, we forget their lives are so constrained and straitened that they cannot take broad views of anything. The man or woman who could take a wide outlook upon life from behind an air-tight stove in a half-starved home would have to be almost a miracle. It is wonderful that so much sweetness and humanity keep alive where circumstances are so discouraging. When I think of patient, faithful, hard-working women like Mrs. Thurston, uncomplaining and devoted,

so long. I am tired, but the excitement of the afternoon is not all gone. That any one in the world should believe it possible for Mother to

test caprice of the tyrannous small person. We have to-night been having a sort of battle royal over baby's going to sleep by herself in the dark. I made up my mind the time

I announced, "and take away the light. S

rightened,"

being afraid," I retorted loftily, althou

Hannah. "She's too lit

d before me a struggle with

rk until they are told to be," I d

d not to be,"

idea into their hea

me with eviden

the baby cries?

p," I answered, with outward

cries herself sic

ittle till she finds nobody com

, but I had to keep up for the sake of dignity if for nothing else. Thomasine was fed and arranged for the night; she was kissed and cuddled, and tucked into her crib. Then I got Hannah and Rosa, both

ly from the end of the hall, and we needed only candlelight to look like three bloodthirsty conspirators. For two or three minutes there was a soothing

until she were black in the face, and only let it escape one second short of actual suffocation. I jumped as i

s Ruth!" cr

s Privet!"

nsively; "I expecte

with, poor little thing,

to turn the tables, and I sprang

you been walking Thomasine to s

just taken her up and down two or three times to ma

ly forgotten in the excitement of the moment. "If babies li

I should at this rate soon become a very secondary person in my own house. I t

em. "If Thomasine hears voices, of course she'll keep o

lies were being routed, for she set up a series of nerve-splitting shrieks which made every fibre of my body quiver. As soon as the girls were out of sight I flopped down on my knees outside of the

d even then some faint and far-away sense of how ridiculous I was, and that saved me. Thomasine yelled like a young tornado, and every cry went through me like a knife. I was on my knees on the floor, p

say that Rosa might walk up and down with Tomine every night for the rest of her life. Fortunately some few gleams of common sense asserted themselves in my half-addled pate, and instead of opening the door, I spread out my arms, and without a word shooed the girls out of the corridor as if they were hens. Then the ludicrousness of it came over me, and although I still tingled with baby's wailing, I could appreciate that the cries were

een through battles, mur

e it up. Rosa hoped pointedly that the poor little thing's will isn't broken, and Hannah observed piously that she trusted I realized we all of us had to be treated like babies by our Heavenly Father. I was tempted to ask her

ing, I thought it better to go. I feared lest she should think my ol

pose, and say I found her silly and rather vulgar, and I wonder how George can help see

y wedding-calls," she said. "She doesn'

in Tuskamuck by money," I put in

he called her Lady Andrews,

ure I don't know how it began. Very likel

he'd never been to see them. I could see she

person," I remarked awkwardly, f

me," returned Mrs. Weston, with amazing fran

aid. It was so unlike anything I ever heard that it seemed almost as if Mrs. Weston were playing a part, and trying to cheat me into thin

chiefly because my vanity suffered that he should find me inferior in attraction to a woman like this. I believe I am sincerely glad that h

perfectly that she will drop out of our circle. We are a little Cranfordish here, I suppose, but anywhere in the world people come in the long run to associate

on business, and before he went he

lse," I told him; "but your association with Father and the

t so I thought-he was so anxious to know what I thou

arked rather confusedly. "I hope

t books?" I returned. "Poor George, ho

d grew more c

didn't mean anything l

nd for that matter I do not now. Somehow my call of yesterday seems to have made a difference in my feeling toward George. Just how or just what I cannot fully make out. I certainly have not ceased to care about him. I am still fond of the George I have known for s

When death comes near enough for us to see it face to face, we have a better appreciation of values, and find things strangely altered. I have had, moreov

nnot have evaporated like dew drying from the grass. At least I am su