The Diary of a Saint

eginnings; so the fancy demands that the old order shall end and some better, new fashion begin. I suppose everybody has had the vague sense of disappointment that the new month or the new year

bled, and because I would so gladly leave the fret a

working herself into a delightful fever of excitement over the coming glories of her garden. It is really rather early, I think, but in her impatience she cannot wait. Her flowers are her children, and all her affection for family and kin, having nothing nearer to cling to, is lavished on them. It is

arder because in my heart of hearts I could never with any success dispute it. "You cannot wisely help anybody until you are willing not to interfere with the discipline that life and nature give," he said. "You would not offer to take a child's medicine for it; why should you try to bear the brunt of a friend's suffering when it comes from his own fault? That is nature's m

have had to see him often about the estate, but he has seemed always anxious to get away as quickly as possible. To-day he lingered

ble to be my own wrong-headedness and then go

has been here for an hour, and he has left me so restle

e a mountain-top. I always get him seated as soon as I can, and he likes to sit in Father's wide arm-chair. One of the things that I like best about him is that, brus

your fathe

at almost brings the tears to my eyes. He is country born and country bred, but the delicacy of the courtesy underlying his brusqueness is pure gold.

ng. He has a wonderful smile when he chooses to show it. It always reminds me of the picture one sees sometimes of a genial face peering from behind a glum mask. When I

s a kitten runs after its tail. It doesn'

red. "It is absurd enough to compar

ol," was his response. "S

u here?"

grew sudd

all wrong. The fact is," he added more calmly, but with the air of meaning to have a disagree

," I

not help noticing the difference between the hand of this Deacon Daniel and that of the other.

the women are willing to go near her. I should think she'd serve pretty well as a warning. The Overseers of the Poor 've sent old Marm Bagley

s if his opinion of wome

know about

urch could send down. I went to Aunt Naomi, but she couldn't think of anybody. She

sent yo

th the smile which

at when there's nothing else to

hat ca

what I ca

me to go down an

ewd twinkle in his eye, an

anything possible to be done y

him I would write to Cousin Mehitable

't pay her," he co

rned, knowing perfectly th

eral days at leas

t with a positive sickening of soul of being under the same roof with that girl. I knew that it

down in t

I am to be nurse to the Brownr

o write up the interval, although I cannot bring myself to his way of dating things as if he always wrote on the very day on which they happen

with her tangled black hair, her hot cheeks, her fierce eyes; everything was so miserable and dreadful, that I could have cried with pity. Julia was in a bed so dirty that it would have driven me to distraction; the pillow-slip was ragged, and the comforter torn in great places, as if a wild cat had clawed it. Marm Bagley was swaying back and forth in an old broken rocking-chair, s

the baby and to help me to put things to rights a little. She smelled of spirits like another Sairey Gamp, and her wits did not appear to be entirely steady. After I found her holding the baby unde

room a little while I f

g up none," she said. "'Tain

ghastly one. I looked at the sick girl to see if she heard and understood. It was ev

ut, and I thought you might be asleep. I am Miss Privet, and I have come to he

with a strange sp

ton?" she

ent to my cousin to get

er piercing eyes opened

rain 'em?"

trained nurse is almos

?" she demanded eagerl

as I could muster when I wanted to cry. "An

too much bustle. The girl watched me with eager eyes, a

e send

flushed, though ther

s asked me to c

commented, evidently con

my doing the rough work. She took possession of Mrs. Bagley, and ordered her about with a vigor which completely dazed that unsatisfactory person, and amused me so much that my disturbed spirits rose once more. This was all very well as long as it

emarked, "you can hang a towel out the shed winder, and I'll come back. I ain't g

n waddled away into the seclusion of the woods. I suppose she slept somewhere, though the woods must be so damp that the

get Julia into clean linen, and she did seem grateful for the comfort of fresh sheets and pillow-sli

ined. "Of course we wouldn't any of

d at my proposing to

" she declared; "and as for that Bagley woman, I'd as soon hav

eel insulted if asked to undertake. Father used to say, "Remember that noblesse oblige does not exist in the kitchen;" though of course this is true only in a sense. Servants have their own ideas of what is

ly disconcerting. She evidently could not make out why I wa

you think yer'

by

n' h

mfortable. She made no reply for a time, but evidently was considering the matter. I did not think it well

" she said at last. "He d

s without showing t

sponded. "When a neighbor is sick and ne

't been so awful a

eal of sickness in

to come, anyhow," commented

ew'd come if 'twas,

been to see y

es up to me with a look which made me

wed her veil and swung her foot

ng this portrait, even without M

ter," she remarked. "She

omen alive," I said, "though she is

something better," went on Julia with increasing bitterness. "God! How do

excited and rampageous. You know she brought you some rippin' flannel for the baby. Them pious folks h

t do I know of the intolerable life that has not self-respect, not even cleanliness of mind or body? Society and morality have so fenced us about and so guarded us that we have rather to try to get outside than to struggle to keep in; and what do we know of the poor wretches fighting for life with wild beasts in the open? I am so glad I do not believe that sin is what one actually does, but is the proportion between deeds and opportunity. How carefully Father explained this to me when I was not much more than a ch

ics that it seemed just as well to go to bed, diary or no diary.

out even knocking, Mrs. Deacon Webbe opened the outside door. I was in the kitchen, and so m

orning,

way of return for my greeting, "but I thought

here all nigh

ays seem to go into the very recesses of one's thoughts,

this Brownrig girl. You

tter part of her words. "She is not so well this morning, a

ith an expression on her fa

g to die?" s

She has too much cause to hate the girl, but just then, with the poor thi

expect to have a professional nurse to-

essiona

e sent to Bo

hat creature? She's a great deal

he door still nearer to closing, "I ought to go back to my pa

and before I understood what she intended, she h

or? What right have you to interfere? If Providence is willing to take

hand and s

" I said. "I cannot

voice. "Who gave you a right to order me

in door between the sick girl and the kitchen where we were. I took Mrs. Webbe by the wrist as strongl

she demanded. "How d

"I think you did not understand, Mrs. Webbe,

et she seemed to be making an effort to control herself. I was anxious to help her if I could, so I forced a sm

an to be. I couldn't explain to you in the kitchen, the partiti

e softene

which I must confess did not to me have a genuine ring; "it's splendid

about a certain man who went down to Jeric

Webbe, and apparentl

ly. "Don't you see everybody else k

ed he

she quickly. "I hope you don't set up to

onfess that I see no sense in what you say. Here's a human crea

hter of Judge Privet to be nursing a

to be able to stand it. You wouldn'

lone. Mrs. Ba

t her die with M

n the eye for a moment, with a

e said, "

stare at he

hink I've no human feelings? Do you think I'd ever forgive her for dragging Tom into the mud? I've been on my knees half the night praying she and her brat mi

ally saying he hasn't any force, but here she was catching at his goodness as a sort of bribe to Heaven to let her have the life of mother and

ce. "It is all very pretty for you to have ideas of charity, and play at taking care of the sick. I dare say you mean well e

ight, and faced

e, but I do have some respect for the name of God. If you mean

struck her; then she ra

eist what it is right to say about

d to my sense of humor, a

dispute about words. Only I

personal encounter with Mrs. Webbe was shocking, but I could not let her go to trouble Julia without making an effort to stop her. I thought I might reach the door first, but she was too quick for me. Before I could prevent her, she had crossed th

id you dare to say that my son was the father of your

o not leave the house instantly, I will ha

er attack upon Julia, a

e echoed. "You

mean it. I'm not a lawyer's daughter for nothing. Go out of the house

might have put me to flight if

ught to be out of the way. Do you think you are doing a

by the wr

I said. "You heard wh

have carried it out. At the moment it appeared to me the simplest thing in the world, and at least it effected my purpose to

r says you haven't a chance, and you'd better be making your peace w

hand over

I said, "take

blear-eyed astonishment, did as I commanded, and we led Mrs. Webbe out of the room. I motioned Mrs. Bagley back into the be

e here with murder in your heart, and you would be glad to kill her outright

to be done. She looked as if she were as much astonished as im

ain to see my

while I was at home. She has a deep-seated dislike for Mrs. Webbe, and I fear

s. Bagley to watch for a passer, and she took her pipe and went placidly to sleep before the door. I had to be with Julia, yet keep running out to spy for a messenger, and it was an hour before I caught one. By the time the doctor got to us the girl was

o longer felt any responsibility. The smell of spirits and tobacco about her grew continually stronger, and I was kept from sending her away altogether only by the fact that it did not seem right for me to be alone with Julia. No house is

and nothing shows the hope of another to come, Julia woke moaning and crying. She started up in bed, her

dying!" sh

that she was right, and it

to hell!" she crie

to soothe her. She clung to me as if s

can't you do something for me? Can't yo

Mrs. Bagley, who came running in half dr

to the bed, "if you was dying do you thin

fforts to calm the girl. She sank back on th

she insisted. "I know I'm

hen folks is dyin', I guess. I've seen enough of 'um. Y

ded to be talked to. It was her own language, and she underst

ly as I could, "you are rather hard on J

enough importance to keep her from her rest, so she returned to her interrupted slumbers. I comforted my patient as wel

pt repeating. "Oh, can't you pray

rayer was the thing which would comfort

e quiet," I said. "I canno

still," she cried eage

d to regard it as a sort of spell against invisible terrors, clutched my hand with a desperate grasp, but as I went on

belief in the power of men to move the unseen by supplication, but I reflected that this would imply the continual discomfort of believing in invisible beings who would do me harm unless properly placated, and I was glad to be as I am. The faith of some Christians is so noble, so sweet, so tender, that it is not always easy to realize how narrowing

was at home in the morning Mr. Thurston came to see he

Bagley explained to me afterward.

upon Mr. Thurston than upon Julia. I met him when I was going back to the ho

m so glad that at last you have come

emark that for the moment I

tand," I said,

a little, and his face lost

praying with her last night, w

realized what I was saying,

d thing comfortable, and if a prayer could soothe her there was no reason why I should not say one. People think because I do not believe in it I have a prejudice against prayer; but really I think there is something touching and noble in the attitude of a mind

ns. She believes that crosses cut out of a leaf of the Bible and stuck on her feet take away the soreness, but she regards it as wicked to cut up a Bible. I have an old one that I keep for the purpose, and she comes to me every winter for a supply. We began at the end, and are goin

nto the fold," the clergyman s

thank him, an

omewhere within. She interests me much,-largely, I fancy, from the suggestion about her of having had a history. She is swift and yet silent in her motions, and understands what she has to do so well that I felt like an awkward novice beside her. She disposed of Mrs. Bagley with a turn of the hand, as it were, somehow managing t

e care of the patient, Miss Privet," Miss Dyer said. "I don't see what the Lord perm

" I answered, laughing. "I confess it has been ab

ble she may not. What is there she can hope for? She does not seem to care for the child. This is because she is so ill, I think, for anybody must be touched by the helplessness of the little blinking, pink thing. It is like a little mouse I saw in my childhood, and which made a great impression on me. That was naked of hair, just so wrinkled, so pink, so blinking. It was not

to-night without her, I think. I could not have stayed quiet by Julia

I heard a knock at the door. Miss Dyer was in the room with Julia, so I answered

as so great that I had to steady myself against the door-post. He

re here," he began,

throat contract; "I am here

and yet now that he was here I would have given anything to have him away. He had to come; he had to bear his part of the consequences of wrong, but it was h

m must have found it hard to know what to say at such a time. He looked at me wit

said. "What do y

ve him seem to put the

for you," I an

he wan ghost

ld have come of myself?" he

he burden. The dec

dded, with a queer feeling as if I were thinking alo

as natural for him to look angry at the thought of the child, the unwelcome and unwi

, Tom," I said. "It has e

me?" he

, its own or yours? If it has been born to a life like tha

over a matter that it was intolerable even to think about; but since I was there, I wanted to help him,-only I did not know how. I wanted to give him my hand, but I somehow shrank from touching his. I felt as if it was wi

light of the dying day fell on his face, and I saw by his set lips and the lo

ething that is worse. What's past, it's no use to make excuses for, and you'

ut no words came. I could not think; I wanted to comfort him as I comfort Kathie when she is desperate.

marry her. I'll never see her after she's-after I've done it. It makes me sick to think of her, but I'll do what I can for the baby." He stopped, and caught his breath

ked, with my throat

will take

hardly seemed to myself to be alive and real, but this proposition awoke me l

?" I managed to

it to grow up with the Brownrigs. If that's to be the plan, I'll save myself. Jule doesn't mind not being married. You don't know wh

old

to be left to follow the n

d out. "Anything is

oor thing," he said in a voice which, though it

the baby up?" I aske

ad to get rid of it. Anyway

ld not have to resolve under pressure. If he were doing it for the sake of the baby's future, I could clear his way of that complication. I could not bear the thought of having Tom marry Julia. This would be a bond on his whole life; and yet I could not feel that he had a right to shirk it now. If I agre

ave anything to do with conditions. If she will give me the baby, I will t

that he startled me, and put out his hand as if

legitimate brat near you? It is bad enough as it

I felt, but I know the remembrance of it makes my eyes swim so that I cannot write without stopping continually; and I am

he said, "and I know you were rig

" I interrupted. "I

I'd have been a man if you

"don't! It is not fair

rs I have known ever since we were children; "you ar

that was said hurt me; and it seemed to me

him. "I-I can't talk any more to-nig

the name, and swo

u! It isn't your place, though. Where are all the Christians and church members? I suppose all the

interrupted. "

st getting to the place where I should

in the morning with a minister. Will eight

too much for me. I caught one

you quite sure this is

t to marry her?" h

op his hand and press my own on my bosom,

haven't the right to say anything; but I do think it is t

with great strides. I could not go back into the house, but came home without saying g

n longing to get home and think quietly. I wanted to adjust myself to the new condition of things. Last night the idea that Tom should marry the girl

ed to letting him in, and even when I came she was evidently uncertain whether she had done right in admitting him; but Tom h

Tom said to me. "There'll be talk enough later, and I'

tand"-I began; b

he could understand, anyway. She knows I'm marrying her

f water, and we were interrupted. The boy stared with all his eyes, and I was half tempted to ask him not to speak of Tom's being here; but I reflected with a sick feeling

nd I could see that despite Tom's idea that she did no

"ain't he good! He's truly goin' to marry

with a sinking consciousness of the diffe

n, not noticing; "though I dunno what you w

d me to take it

h feeble dispassionateness

ng I should ha

r answer. "He's awful good to marry me. He

t, and then she broke

'd marry a real ge

ensive. I was somehow so moved by it that I turned away to hide my face from

e said excitedly. "You

nk he ought to do it for

, and a curious look

r don't either of yer se

e from her cradle, but for the sake purely of the baby that I was to take. It came over me how I might have been influenced too much by the selfish thought that it would be intolerable f

he marrie

antly, tears, I belie

closed her eyes, whether from weakness or

him to have a clergyman with whom he had never, I suppose, exchanged a word, than one who knew him and his people. I took the pre

offer prayer,

e been wickedly tempted to wonder whether he were not attempting to fil

," I told him. "You do not

ssing. Perhaps I might talk with Mr

ade to Tom he would say something whic

e is doing a plucky thing, and a thing that's noble, but it must be terribly hard. I don't think

us appeals. The ceremony was as brief as possible. It was touching to see how humble and yet how proud Julia was. She seemed to feel that Tom was a sort of god in his goodness in marrying her,-and after all

say, or even to think, that it is better for a life of this sort to end, and I seem to myself inhuman in putting it down in plain words; but we cannot be rational without knowing that it is better certain persons should be out of the way, for their own sakes as well as for the good of the community, and the more quickly the better. Julia is a weed, poor thing, and the sooner she is pulled up the better for the garden. And yet I pity her so! I can understand religion easily when I think of lives like hers. It is so hard to see the justice of having the weed destroyed for the good of the flower

was so associated with dreadful thoughts, and with things which I hated to know and did not wish to remember, that I shrank from her. Perhaps now the fact that she

he night air, I think, for her cold is really severe, and has kept her shut up in the house for a fortnigh

you at home once more. I've begun to feel as

st two weeks, but that since Miss Dyer came I had

she asked, thrusting her tongue int

of choosing it as a profession, at le

ah clean up," she re

asked her. "I thought you h

as broad, and she sw

my faculties,"

You must keep a tr

s. I just keep my

eard of the marriage, and as if she read

the air of one who candidly concedes that he is not infallible.

ment, "you are a witch, and ought to

at the agreeable compliment I paid to her

should be willing to have your responsi

even suggested the marriage. I told her he had done it for the

with an air which seemed t

uppose you did suggest it in words

t on me," I protested. "It isn't for m

compromising answer. "You can m

he ought to do," I could not help crying ou

unningest hiding-place in my soul, and she would sentence me with the utmost rigor of the law. After the sentence had been executed, though, she would come with sharp tongue and gentle hands, and bind up

in him. He isn't worth your pity, but your caring what

help him. I know, of course, he is fond of me, and that he was always desperate over my engagement; but I cannot believe the motive power of his life is so closely connected with

e was she at all like her old self. I had given her some wine, and she lay for a moment with her great black eyes gleaming out

er any bad of

he baby slept in the broken clothes-basket. The sadness of it came over me so suddenly and so strongly that tears blinded me. It was the most womanly touch that I have ever kn

if she knew," Julia explained gaspingly

ierced me. Poor little baby, born to a tainted heritage! I must save her clean

ion more pathetic, but this is an afterthought that can be felt only when I have beaten down my disgust. When one considers how Julia grew up with this woman, and how she had no way of learning the decencies of life except from a mother who had no conception of them, it makes the heart ache; and yet when Mrs. Brownrig broke in upon

coming over just after breakfas

u go alone," she said, "

d she knew when the funeral was to be, for w

ppose she heard it from some familiar spirit or othe

discovered the hour in any other way, and I thanked Miss Charlotte for

old thing, and I find funerals rather lively and amusing. Don't you remember M

Rim, where Julia's father and brother were buried, a place half overgrown with wild-rose and alder bushes. In summer it must be a picturesque tangle of wild shrubs and blossoms, but now it is only chill, and barren, and

. Brownrig, who with rags and tags, and even her disheveled gray hair fluttering as she moved, half ran down the path toward us. She must have been hiding in the woods waiting, and I found

has somehow a quality that is prepossessing; but an old man is apt to look unattractive, and an old woman who has given up taking care of herself is repulsive. Perhaps we cannot see humanity w

gh. Even the pity she made me feel could not prevent my sense that she was vicious. I wanted to wash my hands just for having seen her. I was ash

mother of the corpse. Don't you d

ace all at once. I could not bear to see him, and tried to look at the mother, but repulsion and pity made me choke. She was panting with haste and intoxicat

ke out, half whimpering and half chuckling. "She w

suffered. He grew white as I have never seen him, but he did not look at the old woman. She was perhaps too distracted with drink an

e Jule! They're all dead now! What did you put

," I said quickly. "I s

fawning air, and let g

bury my handsome gel till I've seen her," she went on, with a manner pitifully wheedling. "She was my gel be

all to imbecile laughter over the shroud, "just like a lady's,-but then Jule was a lady after she was married." Miss Charlotte, Tom, and I stood apart, while Mr. Thurston tried to get the excited creature away; and the grave-diggers looked on with open curiosity. I could not help thinking how they would tell the story, and of how Tom's name would be bandied about in connection with it. Sometimes I feel

t remember; if she has gone out like an ill-burning candle. Nothing is left now but to consider what can be done for the lives

harge of a helpless life overwhelms me, and I do not dare to let my thoughts go when they begin to picture possibilities in the future. I wonder that I ever dared to undertake to

braided me with having cast doubts on their ability and faithfulness. Surely we three women amo

f course; but she relieved her mind by making remarks to Hannah when I could not help hearing. From the moment baby came, however, Rosa succumbed without a struggle. It is evident she is born with the full maternal instinct, and I see if she does not marry her Dennis, or some more eligible lover, and take herself away before baby is old enough to be much affected, the child will be spoiled to an unlimited e

She woke this afternoon, and looked up at me with Tom Webbe's eyes, lying there as sweet and happy as possible, so that I had to kiss and cuddle her, and love her all at once. It is

d grows into a weed, no matter

and one may be developed as well as the other. Baby must have much that is good and fine from her father, and the thing I have to do is to see to it that the best of her grows, and the worse part dies for want of nourishment. Surely we can do a grea