The Diary of a Saint

e of his rare visits to baby, and we were bending over her so that our heads were almost together. I was not thinking of him

an?" Tom asked.

ally her mother," I explained,

urst out. "Would to God you c

to marry somebody else. I may not feel the same toward George, but nothing follows from that. I own to myself frankly that I respect Tom more than I do George; I can even say that I find more and more as time goes on that I had rather see Tom coming up the walk. The old boy and girl friendship has largely come back between Tom and me; and I am

he still talks in her amazingly cold-blooded way about her lovers, speculating on the practical side of the question in a fashion so dispassionate that Ran's chance would seem to be gone forever; but in the end she comes back to him. What the result will be I cannot even guess, but I feel it my duty not to encourage Rosa to incline toward Ran, who is really drunken and disreputable. I remind her how he beat his wife; but then she either says any man with spunk must beat his wife now and then when he isn't sober, or she declares that anybody might and indeed should

ld have defied proof and reason, and whatever he did I should have persuaded myself that no matter what circumstances led him to do he was really noble in his nature. I know I should have stultified myself to the very end, rather than to give up caring for him; and it seems to me that I should have done it with my mental eyes shut. I should have been hard

etimes mistaken, but for anybody who tells so many things she is surprisingly seldom entirely wrong. Besides I half think that in a village like ours thoughts escape and disseminate themselves. I am sometimes almost afraid as I write things down in this indiscreet diary of mine, lest they shall somehow get from the page into the air, and Aunt Naomi will know them the next time she appears. This is to me

ge ways that any sort of dealing in stocks would, I suppose, be regarded as dangerously rash, if not altogether unlawful; but I do hope that there is nothing in George's

f George Weston does. He's got a wife who seems bound to spend every cent she can

anything about his affairs?"

rded me

responded waggishly. "I'm sure I don't see how everythi

iven to gossiping about our neighbors, and to tal

l which is always aslant across her face. "It's a pity, of course; but you wouldn't hav

, but did not give u

r five months, and she is already credited with running into extravagance, and bringing her husband int

ough what she is," was the uncompromising retort. "She set out to as

onsense to suppose George to be speculating in any way which could come to much, or that Aunt Naomi would k

mer preserving until I felt as if I had been through the longest kind of a cross-examination. Just before she left she inquired if Mrs. Weston had told me that her husband was going to make a lot of money in stocks. I said at once that I

I took no notice she might forget her foolishness, and behave in a more natural way. I met her in the street this afternoon, and stopped to speak with her. I said nothing of her h

y gone?" sh

I an

baby is there," she declared in an odd, quiet sort of way. "

d of it. I begin to suspect that there may be a good d

t make me believe anything so absurd as that you hate Thomasine.

first glance; then a strange expression as if she unconsciously took herself for a

I am," she responded. "I

saying took hold of her, and as if she became really frightened by her own assump

. "I don't know what I sh

was make-believe, even if unconscious; but on the other hand she was actually beginning to tu

sense. Come into the house, and have a glass of milk and a slice

mania is partly theatrical; but then I suppose religious mania always is. Yet it has a basis in what she believes, and with her imaginative, hysterical temperament she has the power of taking up h

re it always seems to me some life must yet linger. I have all my life been familiar with the doubt whether any consciousness, any personality survives death; and yet it

o be forgotten. I should not be willing to take the chance, and neglect the grave of one who had been fond of me. Mother loved

say that after all each of us is always really alone in this world, and even our best friends can no more come close to us than if they did not exist; but this always seemed to me a sort of cold, forlo

things are somehow completely right, so that whatever deat

had only a stray spike now and then. They bring back the past, and the life-long friendship I have had with Tom. I wonder sometimes why I have never been in love with Tom. Life never seemed complete without him. In the years he kept away on account of George I missed him sorely, and more than once I have thought of a

ste is expected to work out its own salvation. To be really fair I suppose I should say I cannot stand by and give directions, but have to take hold with my own hands, so it is nobody's fault but my own if I do things. Besides, it is really good fun among the neighbors, with the air full of the smell of cedar, with all

I suppose, but which I felt. Somehow I believe the breaking of my engagement has made me seem older to them. Perhaps it is my foolish fancy, but I seem to see that while

Boston or abroad I have been generally at home. I know almost everybody in town, by sight at least. Yet I always find when I am among Tuskamuck people in this way that I am looking at them as if I were a spectat

ing in to see the decorations; and the lovely way in which he helped the poor old lame creature made me blush for myself. I almost wanted to go to him and apologize then and there. It would have been awkward, however, first to explain t

,-no more thought, that is, than we cannot help. We can never know, and we must either raise vague hopes to make us less alive to the importance of life, the reality of life-I do not know how to say it. Of course all religion insists on the importance of life, but rather as a preparation for another existence. I think we need to have it always before us that what is important is

wearing false hair! It does not seem to me possible, but it may be true. At least it is a theory which may easily be made to seem plausible by the use of facts we all know. If it is the true solution of our characters here, it is pleasant to think that perhaps we may modify what for the present is our very own self so it shall be better stuff for the fashioning of another generation. I should like to feel that when this bunch of ideas and emotions goes to pieces, the bits would make sweet spots in the individuals they go to make part of. I suppose this is what George Eliot meant in the "Choir Invisibl

at Rosa was in such a panic I had to give all my spare attention to keeping her in order. It came to me then what an advantage an officer must have in a battle; he cannot break down because he has to look to his men. Last night I wished greatly Tom were in reach; it would have been dreadful if anything really serious had happened t

's idea that nature is too great to be unkind, and that what looks to us like cruelty is only the size of things too big for us to grasp. It is a riddle, and the way I put it is neither so clear nor wise, I suppose, as the theories of countless religious teachers, they and I alike guessing at things human insight is not equal to. I doubt much if it is profitable to speculate in this vein. "Think all you can about life as a good and glorious thing," Father wrote

fret or dream of what it would mea

id that for years she never slept a wink because her nerves wiggled like angleworms all over h

o'clock Rosa brought

o give it to you till three o'clock; but if I

ime. It was written in Kathie's uneven hand, and blotch

make any difference what I do now. When you read this I shall be in torment forever, because I am going down to Davis Cove to drownd myself because I am so wicked and nobody loves me. Dont tell

e Thu

you please put some flowers on m

.

ill do. Even now I am bewildered. I cannot get it out of my mind that there is a good deal of the theatrical in Kathie, but

see if Kathie were there. As I walked on, recalling her incomprehensible actions, a dreadful feeling grew in my mind that she might have meant what she

d I began to run. Fortunately, there was nobody in sight, and as I came to the bend in the street I saw George coming, leading Kathie by the arm. She was

, as I came up to them, "s

y that was lucky, for it kept George fro

ueer look, but

she'd have stayed t

said, looking at hi

coat and vest as I ran, so I saved my watc

it happen

he water," George answered; "and I suppose she lost her

knew Davis Cove is too far from th

the old shipyard on

e," Kathie explained, in a way which

her meaning, "the next time you want sugar-pears you'd better get them w

e and get on dry clothing, and I would see to Kathie. He demurred at first, but I insisted, so he left us to cross the brid

swered, quite in a matter-of-fact

uncharitable was my mood, but I manage

better take th

hen these had been thrown over the bridge we proceeded on our drabbled way. My doubts of the genuineness of the whole performance grew in s

you see Mr. Weston com

, but when she answered unhesitatingly that she had seen him, I

I'd got to hurry," she ret

I suppose, make any great difference; but I confess I have been trying to make out ever since I left her. I would like to discover whether she is con

e had said. To-morrow I must have it out with Mr. Thurston somehow or other; although I am still completely in the da

have a definite plan of action mapped out, and I ate my breakfast in a cheerful frame of mind, intending to go directly to see Mr. Thurston while I should be fairly

without breaking

was an enchanting day, and the dew was not entirely dried, so the garden had not lost the freshness it has when it first wakes up. I was exhilarated by the smell of the roses and the beauty of everything, and the clearness of the air. Rosa held bab

d. "I came to say how sorry I was, but I'm

r, and spoke to her so st

ou and I am fond of baby; but if baby were big enough and talked this sill

n too careful. She sat up now, and then rose to her feet in a dazed sor

erformance yesterday was real, and ho

her straight in the face, half minded to force her if

nswered solemnly, "only when I saw the

nd I encourage

s scared of him and-and eve

in any case I had more important ends to gain than the satisfying of my curiosity, so I asked h

h!" she cried with

t?" I went on. "How d

owing wildness in her face

oo wicked for God to forgive me. I have committed murder

sh girl, too young even to know what you are talk

r whom she had never seen; and indeed I can well believe I seemed

e declared. "That's

ir of relief that he had gone out to Connecticut Mills to visit a sick woman. I did not stay with her longer. I said I must go into the house, and as she refused to come, I lef

life is becoming too lurid. I have to-day bearded-no, Mr. Thurston hasn't any beard; but I have had my interview with him, and I feel as

roposition about Kathie, and somehow I led up to the child's mad performance the other day. I showed him the note and told him the story, but not until I had made

en I had finished. "I must withdraw my promise

xasperation which threatens to destroy all my claims to be considered a sane and temperate body. I

right to dictate, but I cannot stand by and see dear little Kathie going to ruin. I am sure I know what is good for her just now better than you do. She is a go

, but I put up my hand t

d you cannot think her capable of looking fairly

n those things on which her etern

e been offering up Kathie as a sacrifice to your creed just as the fathers and mothers of old made their children pass through the fires to Moloch." He gasped, and some thin blood rushed to his face, but I did n

f anguish in his eyes which made me weak. It would h

course you can't see. You think I don't love my child, and that I am so wrapped up in

give any pleasure to a kind Heavenly Father? I do understand. You have been so afra

ting out his hand as if I had struc

er realized them. I had been hard, and perhaps cruel, but it

hat didn't happen, Mr. Thur

returned in a tone so low I

en have heard of. I beg your pardon, Mr. Thurston, but doesn't what has happened prove she is too high-strung to be troubled with theology yet?

might die without having made her pea

. I realize now that to have the spirit of prophecy it is necessary to lose the temper to a degree not altogether commendable in ordinary circumstances. I blazed out on that poor, thin-blooded, dejected, weak-minded, loving Methodist minister, and told him he insulted the God he worshiped; I said he had better consider the text "I will have mercy and not sacrifice;" I flung two or three other texts at h

unsectarian, but I have already begun to make inquiries about the relative reasonableness of Methodist schools, and I think we may find something that will do. To put the child into surroundings entirely new, where her mind will be taken away from herself, and where a consciousness of the keenly discerning

ouse. I hope that it is nothing serious. It is especially awkward now, for Mr. Longwo

nd tapped on the dining-room window. She was positively s

oon as I turned, "oh, won't you come

to, and rather than to get into a discussion I went out to h

d to be true! You are the most loveliest

had never had a trouble. It is wonderful that out of the family of a Methodist parson should come a nature so exotic, but after all, the spiritual

self of my hand, and covering it with kisses; "but Mother always said we c

ce a little by telling her that at boarding-school she would have t

be the best girl you ever heard of. I beg your pardon for

s droll and pathetic to find how poverty had bred in her fantastic little pate a certain sort of shrewdness. She said in the most matter-of-fact way that it would be nice for her father to have one less mouth to fill, and that she supposed her smaller sisters could have her old clothes. I confess she did not in talking exhibit any great generosity of mind, but perhaps it was not

see Mr. Longworthy. He was in bed, but insisted upon seeing me. I have had a ter

ght after night to go to sleep with the knowledge of his dishonesty. I settled in my own mind what I could do to cover his defalcation, which fortunately is small enough for me to provide for by going to Boston an

m with a frantic clasp. He kissed me, and wiped away my tears with soothing words, and then at last he whispered in my ear as a precious secret something so infinitely comforting that my sorrow vanished utterly. I broke into smiles, and kissed him again and again, crying out that it was too good to be true, and he had made me happy for my whole life. So keen was my joy that I awoke, and lay in bed half dreaming still, saying over and over to myself his enchanting w

aw George a moment on my way from the station, and now everything is ready

if what I have been writing is true George is-he is not a gentleman. It does not startle me now to write this as it would have done two days ago. I am afraid it will be years before I am able to get out of my remembrance how he looked when he confessed. It seems almost as if I should never be able to think of him again except as I saw him then, his f

for this pitiful sum, just two or three hundred dollars, before he could have made up his mind to borrow it on my securities! He might have got it honestly, it was so little; but he did not