His hidden child

I sit on the sandy beach staring meekly at the crashing waves before me, the moonlight that shone overhead was the only light that brought a soft scattered glow over the water and beach. It was a 5 min walk back to my villa from the restaurant I visited this evening and in all honesty, returning to that empty cold room was unappealing and made me feel more hollow than it should.

This trip to Bali was supposed to be my 6th wedding anniversary trip, my husband… well ex-husband… and I wanted to commentary the occasion with something big but we never got around to it … a sudden divorce put a damper on it.

At first, we thought of traveling around our home country but I wanted to go to Asia, I wanted to see the wonders of it. He told me if that was the case then I should fit the bill which I did which may have started the entire problem to begin.

It was fairly impeccable, I didn’t fight it, he went full steam ahead, and we had a prenuptial agreement in place, so dividing our furniture and leftover money was not a problem. It wasn’t even heartbreaking to break the news to the family considering he was the only one with a family.

I wasn’t aware that he was unhappy or that our arguments were divorce worthy, it seemed like I was unaware of a lot of things, especially with how he spent and how quickly money and wealth played a more important role in our marriage than it should of.

I worked 2 jobs online to keep up with our monthly expenses, which didn’t take anything away from him working, he tried to get his work off the ground but it didn’t pan out in our ever-changing economy, which I thought was fine… considering I was earning and I didn’t mind sharing my income but it turned out he did mind…

I sigh deeply thinking about my mother-in-law coming over and helping to pack up and move him back home. Our house was mine but I still shared half of the sale with him to get him on his feet and because as soon as the divorce process started I applied for jobs abroad and by some miracle my teaching experience as well as all my online work paid off and I managed to land a job in Japan without a degree as an English Teacher in the Adult learning center. The job came with an accommodation subsidy as well as health insurance and about a $36000 annual income. The best part of this opportunity was not the fact I had a career or my actual plan, it was the many students I already taught from Japan that were excited to welcome me. My ex wasn’t thrilled with the fact that he wasn’t about me adapting quickly and we had a few arguments while the divorce process was becoming finalized.

“Why didn’t you fight? You just run away!” Jackson, my ex-husband, yelled before one of my online lessons. “you asked me for a divorce a year after we got married and I told you No. I fought for us to stay together. Yet when I asked for one you just gave in!” he shouted while he packed more of his clothes into boxes and I stood shuffling my feet in our bedroom. “you always had one foot out the door from the beginning. I get my family problems didn’t help but you could at least try, could have just shot down the idea of divorce when I brought it up.” He says looking at me with a mixture of sadness and anger.

It was true his family had a lot of drama, so much so that I was blamed for a lot of things, but I stuck with him for 5 years almost 6 years, his parents liked me but we did have our own set of problems with each other.

“I wasn’t the one that filed for divorce Jackson… you did…” I say quietly and he stood up tall. “yes because you don’t respect me. I know I lost a lot of cash but you don’t even care Ari!” “How can you say that? I gave you my inheritance, I supported you when your family goes nuclear, even with your work.” I say angrily “yes and I appreciate that but I failed. I’m a failure! I failed at everything and instead of you fighting for us knowing that I said something rash you just let me go through with it.” “you not a baby! You are a grown man! I shouldn’t be constantly trying to motivate you or help-“ “But I did it for you! I motivated you! And look where you are. You are one of the best teachers on that platform.” He says and I look at the floor knowing he was right “yes I have my career because you helped… maybe I should have helped you more… but everything is settled. The divorce is will be finalized next week and I leave… soon.” I say and he clenched his jaw nodding. “that’s fine then. I hope you find the life you wanted.” “and I hope you find that too Jackson..” I say softly walking out of the room and going into my workspace where I practiced smiling a few times until it didn’t look pasted and fake in my face and taught my students until 3 am local time.

I crawled into bed exhausted that night, Jackson was asleep, we still slept on the same bed but what he said about me having one foot out the door was right… I always did.. not on purpose. I stopped loving him, I cared for him and he was everything I wanted when my mother and father died. He was ambitious, and Indian, tall, lean, contagious laughter, extroverted and kind, he also made me feel less lonely but a year after dating we decided to get married… something that we shouldn’t have done. I think he did it because he was committed and I did it because I didn’t want to be lonely.

Over the years the marriage depleted, and I went through the depression of having to remember my parent's accident and no family while he fought with me constantly about not being supportive. Then came the unsatisfactory performance in the bedroom, I was a virgin bride... A clear mistake… I should have been more experienced.

All the thoughts collide as I sit now on the beach staring at the darkness, I wasn’t sad my marriage ended, I was relieved which I felt guilty about, I wasn’t upset that he had already begun moving on, I was happy for him... It was on a new journey a new life...