Love you always

The late evening sun cast the world in an amber glow, its rays penetrated in small patches through the leaves of the weeping willow tree I was standing under. Casting unusual shadows on the grass before my feet. This area of the land seemed to have been forgotten about, as the grass that surrounded the base of the tree, was almost knee-high. The tips of the blades of grass were sharp, and dry, feeling as though they were millions of tiny needles piercing my skin as I moved to our special location. Our meeting point.

Where we had always started our private rendezvous.

The halfway point between our houses.

I was always the first one here. So eager to see her brilliant blue eyes sparkle as she would smile at the sight of me waiting for her. Her plump juicy lips were so delectable, so alluring, I could not refrain from kissing her as my introductory greeting. I always admired how she would walk towards me, through the shadow of the tree, so elegant, so poised, more suited for a catwalk or a red carpet event, than to meet me for our taboo meetings. 

Our love is forbidden.

This time, however, she would not come. I would not get the delight of holding her in my arms, or of feeling the softness of her hands clasped in mine. Nor would I get to bask in the warm glow that her energy emitted from every pore in her body, the sense of welcoming, acceptance, of belonging. 

Never would I get to share my thoughts, or make plans for our future, with her again. 

For she will never meet me here again.

She would never be able to meet me here again. 

I had come here today to think, to clear my mind. Trying to erase all of the negative thoughts from my mind, instead trying to focus on the positives.

But that was a hard stretch. There wasn’t much positive in my life without her in it.

“Daddy, for you” she offered me a handful of wild daisies, plucked from the patch of them that was beside us, they had grown tall enough for her to reach them in her stroller.

“Thank you, princess, they are beautiful” I smiled taking them from her proffered hand.

Seeing her grin this beautifully, cute smile, her mouth exposing the few teeth she had, her little cherub cheeks dimpled as she beamed brilliantly.

She was so much like her mother, it hurt to look at her for too long; my heart would break every time she made a face or gave me a look that would impersonate her, that would remind me of her. She donned the same shade of chocolate brown hair and the same azure blue eyes that had captured my heart from the very moment she opened them. 

There were two traits that she seemed to have inherited from me; or at least the only two traits that had so far developed in the two years of her existence: her dimples, and her stubbornness.

My darling daughter, our sweet, innocent princess; Skye, was the only thing that was good in my life. The only thing that I had to hold onto from her mother. As bittersweet as her resemblance to Caitlin was, it was all that got me through each day. 

She was my saviour, the one who prevented me from wanting to join her mother. In a world so far away, that no living, breathing human could ever go.

A place I had envisioned to be paradise, built for the gods, the tranquillity of the afterlife, of spending eternity called to me often. The urge, the want, the longing to see her, to hold her, to spend forever with her as we had once promised to do so.

But this small creature before me needed her. She was all I had left of our perfect union. Unfortunately for Skye, she would never have any memories of her mother. Nothing to hold on to that would be a reminder of her.

Other than me.

She would never grow up knowing the amazing, strong, intellectual person her mum had once been. Never would she be able to recall her face from her memories, only knowing of her mum through my recollection of memories, only recognising who she was through the many photos of her that were displayed in our home. She had been robbed of the mother she would need one day, whom I know she would grow up to resemble even more than she did now. 

That was all I had to look forward to, to aspire to; to be the best father possible to this angel Caitlin and I had created. My life’s mission is to help support her, to guide her through life, and to ensure she had one of the happiest and most fulfilled life as possible.

The only reason I had to live for was her. My life’s sole purpose was to love and protect her until my last breath. 

I stared at these daisies gifted to me for a while in silence, as Skye drifted off into an easy, carefree slumber. It’s funny how such a small thing could bring back such vivid memories from years ago, feeling as though it had only happened yesterday.

The memory brought tears to my eyes, and an ache in my heart, remembering every minuscule detail from that day. Picturing her as if she was standing before me now.