You, Always

The late evening sun cast the world in an amber glow, its rays penetrated in small patches through the leaves of the weeping willow tree I was standing under. Casting unusual shadows on the grass before my feet. This area of the land seemed to have been forgotten about, as the grass that surrounded the base of the tree, was almost knee-high. The tips of the blades of grass were sharp, and dry, feeling as though they were millions of tiny needles piercing my skin as I moved to our special location. Our meeting point.

Where we had always started our private rendezvous.

The halfway point between our houses.

I was always the first one here. So eager to see her brilliant blue eyes sparkle as she would smile at the sight of me waiting for her. Her plump juicy lips were so delectable, so alluring, I could not refrain from kissing her as my introductory greeting. I always admired how she would walk towards me, through the shadow of the tree, so elegant, so poised, more suited for a catwalk or a red carpet event, than to meet me for our taboo meetings.

Our love is forbidden.

This time, however, she would not come. I would not get the delight of holding her in my arms, or of feeling the softness of her hands clasped in mine. Nor would I get to bask in the warm glow that her energy emitted from every pore in her body, the sense of welcoming, acceptance, of belonging.

Never would I get to share my thoughts, or make plans for our future, with her again.

For she will never meet me here again.

She would never be able to meet me here again.

I had come here today to think, to clear my mind. Trying to erase all of the negative thoughts from my mind, instead trying to focus on the positives.

But that was a hard stretch. There wasn’t much positive in my life without her in it.

“Daddy, for you” she offered me a handful of wild daisies, plucked from the patch of them that was beside us, they had grown tall enough for her to reach them in her stroller.

“Thank you, princess, they are beautiful” I smiled taking them from her proffered hand.

Seeing her grin this beautifully, cute smile, her mouth exposing the few teeth she had, her little cherub cheeks dimpled as she beamed brilliantly.

She was so much like her mother, it hurt to look at her for too long; my heart would break every time she made a face or gave me a look that would impersonate her, that would remind me of her. She donned the same shade of chocolate brown hair and the same azure blue eyes that had captured my heart from the very moment she opened them.

There were two traits that she seemed to have inherited from me; or at least the only two traits that had so far developed in the two years of her existence: her dimples, and her stubbornness.

My darling daughter, our sweet, innocent princess; Skye, was the only thing that was good in my life. The only thing that I had to hold onto from her mother. As bittersweet as her resemblance to Caitlin was, it was all that got me through each day.

She was my saviour, the one who prevented me from wanting to join her mother. In a world so far away, that no living, breathing human could ever go.

A place I had envisioned to be paradise, built for the gods, the tranquillity of the afterlife, of spending eternity called to me often. The urge, the want, the longing to see her, to hold her, to spend forever with her as we had once promised to do so.

But this small creature before me needed her. She was all I had left of our perfect union. Unfortunately for Skye, she would never have any memories of her mother. Nothing to hold on to that would be a reminder of her.

Other than me.

She would never grow up knowing the amazing, strong, intellectual person her mum had once been. Never would she be able to recall her face from her memories, only knowing of her mum through my recollection of memories, only recognising who she was through the many photos of her that were displayed in our home. She had been robbed of the mother she would need one day, whom I know she would grow up to resemble even more than she did now.

That was all I had to look forward to, to aspire to; to be the best father possible to this angel Caitlin and I had created. My life’s mission is to help support her, to guide her through life, and to ensure she had one of the happiest and most fulfilled life as possible.

The only reason I had to live for was her. My life’s sole purpose was to love and protect her until my last breath.

I stared at these daisies gifted to me for a while in silence, as Skye drifted off into an easy, carefree slumber. It’s funny how such a small thing could bring back such vivid memories from years ago, feeling as though it had only happened yesterday.

The memory brought tears to my eyes, and an ache in my heart, remembering every minuscule detail from that day. Picturing her as if she was standing before me now.

This memory in particular was one of my most cherished memories. There were so many that I now held onto, refusing to let her go, to disappear as if she never existed. As if she never graced my life with her presence. This memory in particular had led to a chain of events that had changed my life forever.

** [Flashback] **

She looked beautiful laid there on her back; her brown hair fanned around her head, weaving in and out of the luscious green grass, tickling her face like feathers soufflés sly kissing her soft, delicate skin. Surrounding her were brilliant white wild daisies, with the middles so vibrantly yellow, they looked like hundreds of suns orbiting her.

Even in the shadow of our willow tree, I could see her cheeks were still flushed red, the usual occupancy after our passionate lovemaking, along with her shimmering bright blue eyes, her skin glistening with sweat, the corners of her mouth turned upwards into that sexy satisfied grin of hers.

Even after being together, against all odds for five years, I still could not get over the beauty of her. As I often found myself staring at her, admiring all the little details, from every scar or mole that blemished her otherwise flawless skin, she saw as imperfections, I saw as beauty marks. Indicators of her individuality.

Despite all these years of studying her, she sometimes would give me a look I had not seen before, or spot something about her I had never noticed before, each time making mental notes, savouring them, learning from them.

I zipped away my member, as she pulled up her lacy underwear so that we could both just lay here, basking in the sun as well as in the mutual atmosphere of contented happiness between us.

We watched as bees buzzed unfazed by our presence from one daisy to another, getting their work done swiftly and effectively, and watched as the rays of the sun peeped through the gaps of the branches and leaves of the willow tree.

She turned onto her side, her elbow propping her up as she faced me. “I love you, Carter,” she said, with such fondness and love in her voice, I couldn’t help but draw her face closer to mine using only the softest touch of my fingertips under her chin, bringing her in for a kiss.

“I don’t think you will ever truly know how much I love you” she whispered, her breath hot against my lips, as her words drifted like a favourite symphony playing into my ears.

“I do kitten” I responded, giving her a playful kiss on the tip of her nose, “because I love you more” She kissed me with such a passion that I knew the time had come, that we were ready to take the next serious step of our relationship, now that we lived together, it seemed only right to commemorate our love, documenting it in legal scripture.

Her eyebrows knitted together as she looked at me quizzically, “You look so lost in thought, my lion, tell me what are you thinking about?” She asked, her voice barely a whisper.

I ran my fingers along the side of her face, traipsing down her exposed arm that protruded from her pale blue cap-sleeve T-shirt.

“Kit, you make me so happy, you are everything that I could ever want, that I could ever need.” I told her, my eyes never leaving hers, “I was thinking about us, about our future. How I can’t imagine wanting to grow old with anyone else but you.”

She blinked slowly, her cheeks blushing once more, “when I look into your eyes, I see the future that I want us to share. An eternity by each others’ side, a family of our own. You complete me, like the last piece of the puzzle.”

I took a deep breath, gaging her reaction before continuing with the speech I had been practising and perfecting for the past few weeks, “I have wanted to ask you something for some time, as I know you are the only one for me, the only person I want to spend the rest of my life with.”

I reached into the pocket of my leather jacket, my fingers enclosing around the small velvet box, opening it and offering it to her, “It’s not anything big or flashy, and I know you deserve a much better ring.” I paused, trying to steady my nervous heart. “I wish that I was someone who could buy you something much better, someone who would buy you the world and treat you to lots of fancy things.” I paused again as I saw her eyebrows furrowed deeper, her teeth biting her bottom lip. My heart was racing, barely able to contain it in my chest.

“What I do know is that I can give you all of me, can give you the promise to be loyal and faithful to you, to love and cherish you until my dying breath” I could see tears welling in her eyes as I spoke, as I opened the box to show her the ring inside. “‘Caitlin, I am already the happiest, luckiest man alive, to have you for myself, but I want you. Always you. Only you, for the rest of my life.” I cleared my throat, feeling it become dry and scratchy as I held back my emotions. “Please will you do me the greatest honour of marrying me? Of becoming my wife?”

***

Tears sprung from her eyes as she stared at the modest ring, that sat in the Box. A plain white gold rip and, with a small diamond affixed to the external surface of the ring. I knew she deserved bigger and better things, more than the humble offerings I could give her.

“Yes, Carter!” She cried as we both sat upright, her grin flashing her white teeth, holding out her hand for me to slide it onto her finger. My heart was pounding, my hands shaking as I slid it along, thanking my lucky stars that I had managed to get her ring size correct.

“It’s beautiful Carter” she said, holding her outstretched hand before her. The sunlight caught the multifaceted diamond, glittering on her finger like a mini disco. “It’s perfect” she beamed, before pulling me into her embrace. “I love you so much!”

“I know you deserve better than me, better than what I can give you ” I mumbled into her shoulder.

She pulled away from me suddenly. “Carter, I don’t want anyone else. How much money someone has doesn’t interest me” she sighed, her eyes studying my face, her hands interlinked with mine, “Money doesn’t buy happiness, Carter, it cannot buy love like ours” She let go of my hand to admire the ring again, her smile lighting up her face.

“Carter, this ring is perfect, because it was chosen by you” she said, her words breathless, her eyes flicking from the ring to my face. “It was chosen out of love, with the intent to make the biggest commitment anyone could make to another person. The sacrifice of their freedom, to devote the rest of their lives just loving that one person.”

She held my face in her hands, “I couldn’t think of anyone else I would want to spend the rest of my life with. I love you, Carter. Always, and only, you.”