Geraniums. They were her favorite flowers. I used to like giving you flowers. She liked it, because she smiled the same way a little girl would smile when she received the most awaited Christmas gift. The arrangement was always on Fridays, when we could go out for dinner after I got home from the company, or when we just stayed at home, enjoying the things we were achieving as my uncle's company, where I worked, was rising in the market. It was a shame that he was no longer by my side to see everything I had achieved. It had been five years since she left. So young, so beautiful. I still remembered how I received the news, how I swore my heart would never beat again. I was in the company, of course. As always happened in recent times, and our biggest reason for arguments. Not exactly fights, but arguments. Isis didn't want a rich husband, she wanted a present man. When we met, we were just law students, idealistic and wanting a better world. In fact, she was a little disappointed when I abandoned the idea of becoming a public defender to help my uncle in his construction material company, which had started with a few small stores and had become one of the biggest brands in the industry. It was never my dream, but I was a recent graduate and newlywed, wanting to start a family. We lived in a thirty-five square meter apartment, all falling apart, and I was ambitious. My uncle's proposal for me to help him fell from the sky while I was studying for competitive exams. Isis passed hers, and I fell behind, because I never had time to study. More than that, I started to enjoy what I was doing with my uncle and wanted to stay. I helped him with contracts with partners, suppliers, in almost everything. He had no children, just two nephews of exactly the same age – me, who was his older brother's son, and my cousin, who was his sister's son –, and we both became his right-hand men. And it was exactly for Isis's dream that I lost her. She actually went into the public defender's office, took the case of a poor man, who was accused of killing his boss, and was murdered because she beat him. A shot to the chest is what took her from me. Murdered. The word still seemed too unreal to me. It wasn't the kind of thing that happened to two normal people. With two people who loved each other and had plans for a future. That they were planning to have children and... No – I interrupted my thoughts myself. We could talk about it, but I knew it would take some time. Even though we were both thirty-two, my life was too focused on work to have room for anything other than Isis. And even her, I knew I was neglecting. I never got a chance to apologize to you for that. I never got a chance to say goodbye. Standing in front of her tombstone, with the damn geraniums in my hands, I couldn't even cry. It had been a while since my tears seemed to have dried up. And I hadn't been to the cemetery for a while, but it was her birthday, and I never missed it on that date. April 30th. Five years ago it was the worst day of the year for me. The one about her death too, but her birthday... she loved it. She liked to celebrate, whether with all her friends – and she had many – or just with me, at a romantic dinner. On the day of her death, he had fallen on a Friday. The flowers I bought, as our tradition, were never delivered, because she was killed in the underground parking lot of a building, where she had gone to visit a client's wife. That was how her story ended. Our history. I placed the flowers on the grave, in silence. What could I say? She wasn't there. It was just a grave, with the remains of what my wife once was. I crouched down, just to play her name, closing my eyes and taking a deep breath. I spent a few moments there and was already walking towards the exit when my phone rang in my pocket. It was Fernando
Chapter 1 one
obvious, knowing what day it is. - Ah, the dog's humor. Typical. Come on, Mau, don't go home and get drunk alone. I'm leaving the company now and I've already told Luana that I won't arrive early today because I would take you somewhere. - Go back to your wife. You won't gain anything by keeping me company tonight. - I am going yes. My little place in heaven. - My cousin knew how to be a pain in the ass when he wanted to be. - I'm going to that bar we used to go to; the one in Copa, facing the beach. This is what you need. - I need to sleep. I've worked so much.
- You can sleep tomorrow, it's a holiday. If you don't show up there, I'll release a very false press release about you. - My cousin was a journalist. Like me, he had switched careers out of sheer convenience, but he still had his contacts. I knew he wouldn't actually do it. He had blackmailed me like that a thousand times before, but that night there was something different. I didn't want to go home. Even though I no longer lived in the same place where I lived with Isis when she died, there was still a piece of her in every thing I owned. Every thing I achieved, every dream I achieved. - Bad, do you think Isis would be happy seeing you like this? The way she loved you? She would want you to move on, to live your life, to meet someone else. It's not fair to her memory for her to be buried like this. It wasn't the first time Fernando had made a speech like that, but, somehow, it had a little more effect. I stopped in the same place I was, freezing my steps and looking over my shoulder, in the direction of her grave. Five years. I would never forget her, but maybe it was time to dig myself out too. - Okay, Nando. I'll meet you at the bar. My cousin celebrated on the other end of the line, but I wasn't as excited. It would be a process, of course. Go out, have a few drinks, see people, listen to some music. I didn't feel ready yet, but I could try. I could try... CHAPTER ONE FOUR MONTHS LATER I had popcorn in my hair. Popcorn! How far had I reached? How many days had it been since I was lying on that couch, finishing the entire Netflix catalog and eating an insane amount of junk food? Two? Three? My God... I lost count. How pathetic! Soon I, who always swore I would never end myself because of a man, was there, suffering for the biggest asshole that could have come into my life. And the worst part was that I didn't even like him that much. I was so depressed by the way things turned out. For the reason for the termination. It wasn't the first time. Being cheated on wasn't exactly a bed of roses. Much less when the partner in question claimed the worst possible justification: I was a twenty-three year old virgin, I just asked for time to get to know each other better. For God's sake... what are we dating for? Two weeks? I just wanted to feel safer. And this was purely and simply to do with chemistry. Maybe I was an incorrigible romantic, who wanted to hear bells and sigh with breathtaking kisses. I wanted a guy who would throw me off track and make me weak in the knees. Was it too much to ask? Probably yes. But I wanted to at least try. I knew that first times can be painful and uncomfortable, and allowing it to happen with someone who didn't even make me excited about the idea seemed stupid to me. As if wanting to torture me, the movie I left playing on Netflix, a romance movie, of course, started a very hot sex scene, where the guy seemed to know exactly what he was doing, leaving the girl completely off track. - It saw? That's what I was talking about! - I commented without even thinking, alone, looking like the crazy person I really should be. -What about that, woman? - Alessandra, my best friend and roommate, appeared in the living room, after waking up, and, when she saw me, her black eyes opened wide. I must be worse off than I imagined. - Did a hurricane hit here, and I didn't see it?
Chapter 1 one
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Chapter 2 I joked
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Chapter 3 noticed
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Chapter 4 if it hurt her feelings
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Chapter 5 all I could respond
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Chapter 6 I raised
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Chapter 7 played
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Chapter 8 something happened
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Chapter 9 reprimand
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Chapter 10 interrupting
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Chapter 11 the fact that
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Chapter 12 in my head
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Chapter 13 climax
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Chapter 14 CEO
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Chapter 15 don't want you to rush.
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