PERMISSION

The pasta boiled over before I could stop it. Starch and foam hissed against the burner, sizzling like tiny screams. I didn't flinch. I just stood there, watching it spill, letting the handle of the pot sear the skin of my palm as I pulled it off the heat.

Behind me, Ethan sat at the dining table, his eyes fixed on his phone screen. He didn't notice the mess or the steam or the way my shoulders tensed. There was a glass of wine next to him, still full, untouched. The only sounds in the loft were the soft taps of his thumb and the drip of something wet on the burner.

I plated the food in silence. His, careful, elegant, with a garnish of basil and a dusting of parmesan. Mine, bland and rushed. I placed his dish in front of him. He murmured a thank you without looking up. I nodded and sat across from him, unsure whether I wanted to eat or scream.

I stared down at my plate, the food going cold. My stomach had been knotted all day, too full of nerves to make room for dinner. Ethan forked a bite of pasta into his mouth, chewed, swallowed. I watched him do it like a stranger.

"I've been thinking," I said, quiet but clear.

He glanced up. His expression was unreadable. calm, maybe slightly curious, but not concerned.

"About what?"

I took a sip of my wine. It burned going down, but not enough. I wanted something sharp, something that would sting long after.

"We're not broken," I said. "But we're not okay either."

He set his fork down, slowly. "Is this about something specific?"

"No. It's about everything."

He leaned back in his chair, crossing one arm over his chest while the other rested on the table. He looked at me the way he used to look at market trends. neutral, analytical, waiting for more data.

"I want to try something," I said.

His brow rose slightly. "Try what?"

I hesitated, fingers curled around the base of my wine glass. The moment stretched, fragile and dangerous.

"I want to bring someone in," I said. "A woman."

The silence was instant and clean, like a breath held too long.

Ethan didn't flinch. His face didn't twist in confusion or shock. He just blinked once and let the words settle.

"Someone you know?"

"No. I haven't met her yet. I don't want it to be someone from our life."

He didn't respond right away. He picked up his wine, swirled it, then set it back down untouched.

"Why?" he asked. Not accusing. Just curious.

"Because I want to feel something," I said. "Something that reminds me I'm still alive in this body. Something that reminds me I'm not just your wife or a professional placeholder for the version of myself I've forgotten."

He studied me. It wasn't the stare of a hurt man or an angry one. It was the stare of a man trying to solve something he didn't know was broken.

"You want to sleep with a woman," he said.

"Yes."

"And you want me to be okay with that."

"I want you to be part of it."

He leaned forward slightly. "Why not a man?"

"Because I don't want to feel taken," I said. "I want to choose it. And a woman feels like... safer danger. I don't know how else to explain it."

Ethan nodded slowly, like he was taking notes. "You want to surrender."

"I want to be seen. Desired. I want to want myself again. I don't want to lie to you about how long I've been craving something else."

His throat bobbed with a swallow. His voice dropped. "Tell me what it looks like."

"What?"

"This. What you're imagining."

I hesitated.

He didn't blink. "If you're going to ask me to give permission, I deserve to know what I'm giving it to."

I felt heat climb my neck, crawling down my spine. But I answered anyway.

"She's confident. She doesn't ask for space. She takes it. But not cruelly. Just... like she belongs in the room. In my skin. She watches everything. She knows how to make me unravel."

My legs tensed under the table. My pulse fluttered in my throat.

"She makes me forget to apologize for wanting too much. She kisses like she means it. Like she wants to taste everything I've been hiding."

Ethan sat still, hands clasped. No emotion, just intent. And that made it worse.

"She touches me slowly. Listens with her hands. She's patient, but she doesn't let me hide."

I looked at him. His jaw was tight now, his posture rigid.

"And where am I while she's doing all this?" he asked, voice quiet.

"You're watching."

His gaze sharpened.

"Or maybe you're not. Maybe she tells you to wait. Maybe she wants me all to herself first."

"And you like that?"

"I need it."

He looked away, jaw flexing once, then again.

"I want to give you what you need," he said, "but I need to know what this is really about. Is it about us? Or is it just about you?"

"Maybe both," I said honestly. "But I want you there. I want you to see me like that. I want you to know I'm not disappearing from you,. I'm finding myself again."

Ethan stood slowly and walked to the window. Our city view glimmered outside, glass and noise and distance.

I stayed seated, hands tight in my lap.

"I didn't expect this from you," he said without turning around.

"Neither did I."

He was silent for a long time. I watched the way his back moved with his breath. Controlled. Contained. He had always been the steady one, the rock. But I had learned, eventually, that even rocks could crack under too much silence.

"I gave you everything," he said finally.

"I know."

"And now you're asking for more."

"No," I whispered. "I'm asking for different."

When he turned around, something in his eyes had changed. Not softened, hardened. But not in a cruel way. More like something had awakened that he didn't know was sleeping.

"If we do this, there will be rules."

I stood slowly. "What kind of rules?"

He crossed the room, stopping just in front of me. "No secrets. No lies. I know everything. You tell me what happens. When. How. Who touches you. How it felt."

I swallowed. "Okay."

"If I say stop, we stop."

"Okay."

"And if it starts to become something else, something emotional, you end it."

"It won't," I said. "It's not love I'm after."

He nodded, almost to himself. His hand came up to touch my chin. Not tender, not rough, just firm. Grounding.

"You want to be someone else," he said.

"No," I whispered. "I want to be who I was before I forgot."

His fingers slid away.

"Find her," he said.

I exhaled, slow and shaking. Not relief. Not excitement. Something deeper. Something dangerous.

"I will."