The Actress Is My Girlfriend

Matt POV….

It is a lovely day today and Happy thirty third birthday to me. I cannot believe I am single in my thirties. It is normal for me because I did not find ‘the one’ for myself. I have slept with multiple women and that is how my life has been. This also gave me an opportunity to explore my kinks at large and in fact, I met a few with the same kinks as me. They are still my friends and I do meet them for some action once in a blue moon. However, I cannot stay around the same woman for a long time and may be sleep for the third time which would be my last time. I will eventually ghost her and move to next available woman to have some great sexual adventure with me.

If you ask me if I have been looking for the one? That is a question and a debate at the same time. I have met so many girls and girls are always after me. They like the way I perform on the bed and I am handsome of course.

The longest time I have ever dated was a girl from the neighboring city. I dated her for six long months and then came the COVID-19 pandemic which led to her shifting back to her parents’ place. After she left, I stopped having conversation with her. She was gone, and then she was replaced. Above all, once she was back to her parents’ house, she called me up after a few months.

She told me she missed me and asked me to marry her. I was startled. I did not date her to marry her. It was always so casual for me and she was not my type. I only needed her body and plus, I lost my job during the same time, she was a good financial support. She was a doctor by the way.

She even left me a love letter before she left for her city, and I found it later when she told me to check the drawer in her room. Well, I still have it even though it’s been two years. It’s good to have memories and one girl gifted me an expensive lip gloss. It has expired but I still preserved it in the drawer. It is good to keep some girly memories and I remember them. I won’t forget any woman I have been for some reason.

I am sitting here in the therapy room and yes, I have been so inclined to a sex life, I have become an emotionless person. Nobody believes me but yes, I find it hard to connect.

There was this girl in school whom I loved but she was in love with my best friend. I could never tell her about my feelings and somewhere, the way I learnt to suppress my emotions ever since then, it became permanent.

I am not ready to be in a relationship but at the same time, I feel a relationship will help me solve my lack of emotion issue. If someday, I find ‘the one’, I am afraid I may not be able to express and I would lose her. Could that happen?

Something in me is happy with a sex life is what I told my therapist but something in me still needs someone permanent. Maybe my heart or the emotions are waiting to be expressed only in front of ‘the one’. I don’t understand this double-minded thoughts and it leaves my therapist confused. Today, is the last day that I would be coming to the therapist.

Therapy is of no use to me. I have been telling her the same issue about me since past few months. She listens but could not change my mind at all. I could never be expressive but I could only talk using my brain. I really need to get into a relationship with someone but it is so hard to find the right woman.