The Inventions of the Idiot

oration of

et, as the one addressed laid down the morning paper

th me. He has said quite often of late that I had the best of it, because all I had to earn was my salary, whereas he had to earn my salary and his own living besides. I

can be of the slightest practical value to a banker. I ask the question in all kindness, too, meaning to cast no reflections

sn't know what he is talking about. Even the oil and the vinegar mix in the caster-that is, I judge they do from the oleaginous appearance of

maniac, looking at the Idiot in wonderment. "Don't you mean th

Back Action Patent Reversible Counsellor. If he is puzzled over an intricate point he sends for me and says: 'Such and such a thing being the case, Mr. Idiot, what would you do? Don't think about it, but tell m

h?" said the Doctor, w

by pretending to be something that you are not, you give to the world what I should call convincing evidence that you are not at all conceited, but rather somewhat ashamed of what you know yourselves to be. Now, I rath

it easy," said M

r word for it, sir, for I have never been a jacka

d Mr. Whitechoker, seeing a chan

oid the fall. If Adam had had any pride he'd never have fallen-but speaking about my controlling m

the Doctor. "Is it to be Bloomingdale o

ot, calmly. "I shall stay

to bear th

those we kn

Idiot, that I do not think you are a success in

hakespeare makes his Hamlet an entirely differe

akespeare, have you?" q

" the Idiot answer

aid the Bibliom

deals, and I have my own ideal of Shakespeare. In fancy, Shakespeare and I have roamed over the fields of Warwickshire together, and I've had more fun imagining the

ators, I imagine,

to see not what Shakespeare has written, but what new quip some opinionated devastator has tried to fasten on his memory. In a hundred years from now the works of Shakespeare will differ

on me because I didn't mutilate Shakespeare so as to make him my own, and now you attack the commentato

w parallels when you were

case. You attack people in one breath for what you commis

Shakespeare as Shakespeare. I might as well have my edition published. It certainly would be popular, especially where, in 'Julius C?sar,' I

liomaniac, hotly. "If there's one thing in literature without excuse and

t of absolute completeness, I shall not embark on the enterprise. If I do, however, I shall not do as the commentators do, and put on

could do great work with '

ver write 'Hamlet.' I don't want to have my fair fam

uite on a plane with the feeling that prompts me to wish to see that unfortunate man on the Bowery who exhibits his forehead, which is sixteen inches high, beginning with his eyebrows, for a dime. The strange, the biza

he thought is conspicuous either by its absence or its presence. My schemes for the amelioration of the condition of the civilized are notorious among those who know me; my views on current topics are eagerly sought for; my business instinct, as I have already told you, is invaluable to my employer, and my fiction is unsurpassed in its fictitiousness. What more is needed for a magazine? You have the poetry, the philanthropy, the man of to-day, the fictitiousness, and the business instinct necessary for the successful modern magazi

ave to be very careful about things I take stock in, and in general

me taken any stock in you, and I make it a rule to be gui

k Exchange," put in the Bibliomaniac, "whil

, to be paid for in poetry," said

ke good," said t

o take five shares to be paid for in advice and high-balls. Moreover, if your company n

d-will. Even Mr. Pedagog supplies me with more of it tha

ol-master. "As a corporation, however, I cannot permit you to trade upon

am soulless, without emotions, and so cherish no disappointments over your refusal. I think if the scheme goes through it will be successful, and I fully expect to se

u might do very well," said the Doctor. "I think ten millio

ot with a man like Chamberlain or the German Emperor, and issue a five-million-dollar mo

on cartridge-paper," said Mr. Pedagog. "Then

hen I begin paying quarterly dividends at a t

," said Mr. Pedagog. "It

eried the Idi

or upon ours. On yours it would be fabulous; on ours-oh, well, what is the use of

ead of an Idiot Publishing Company you will try to float yourself as a Con

am afraid the public will not accept it. There is little demand for laughing-gas, and, besides, they would fear to intrust you with a controlling interest for fear that you