The Inventions of the Idiot

ssive

omaniac, "that the Idiot isn't feeling well this morning. He ha

ly at Mr. Pedagog for a moment, shrugg

r he says 'Tutt!' you can make up your mind

six of hearts, "I'd keep it in a cage. A man who observes that I have eaten three fish-cakes and a waffle without opening my mouth hasn't a very

your mouth I do not refer to the opening you make for the receipt of waffles and fish-cakes, but for those massive openings which you require for your exuberant loquacity. In other words,

d the Idiot. "That I am not feeling very well

asked the Doc

urned the Idiot, looking a

lost his foot. He'd had his foot shot off at Gettysburg, and yet for years after he c

t often to have to say again, Tutt! I can't blame you for thinking that I have no head, how

most anything my friend the Bibliomaniac says, but in this case I cannot accept his views. You have a head

ache sustained by these delicious waffles, I believe I can handle the Doctor and my bookish friend without assistance. I am what the mathematicians would call an arithmetical

way desiring to stem the waffle tide which was slowly but surely eating into the p

me men take to drink, some to gaming; I seek forgetfulness of woe in waffles. Mr. Whitechoker, will you

ted that he had had his eye on the ten of

ansferring the waffle to his plat

said Mr.

aid the Bi

and now that you have failed to keep tab I shall have to begin all over again. Mary, bring me

said the landlady, graciously

" he added, "that waffles are so generally modelled after playing-cards, and

said Mr. Whitechoker,

luding the joker,

t cards, John?" asked

iot la

of Gilbert and Sullivan's, Mr. Poet, 'Thi

Pedagog, acridly. "Mr. Whitechoker seems to be awar

things with which I have very little sympathy," observed M

But even then I know a full house-I

ush," sugges

agog, "I am not wel

ongly opposed to cards, for I was going to make a suggestion which I think would promote harmony in our little circle on waffle days. If you regard ca

eople play with cards that I object to. They bring a great deal of unnecessary miser

id she got the odd card seven times. Of course it wasn't entirely the cards' fault. Superstition had something to do with it. In fact, I sometimes think the fault lies with the

d unutterable thi

ion that you have any control ove

inly," said

said Mr. Pedagog. "I have a friend who i

d him thousands. For five dollars a dozen I'll invent hall

ou. He collects only real hallucinations, and he finds there are ple

affles. "If at any time he finds the supply run

oting Scheme for Waffle Days," suggeste

Pedagog is a most amiable gentleman, and yet we find him this morning full of acerbity. On the surface of things I seem to be the cause of his anger, but in reality it is not I, but the waffles. He has seen me gradually absorbing them and it

"But you are all wrong. I haven

s that irritation there? Because our several rights to the individual waffles that are served here are not clearly defined at the outset. When Mary brings in a steaming platter full of these delicious creations of the cook, Mr. Pedagog has quite as much right to the one with the six of hearts on it as I have, but I get it. He does not. Hence he is irritated, although he does not know it. So with Mr. Whitechoker. Five minutes ago he was hastening throug

. Whitechoker. "But I di

us again. If you are not conscious of so actual a thing as a sigh, how

o me to complicate the problem. As it is, we have about thirty waffles, each one of which is a germ of irritation in the bre

st by playing one hand after the manner of whist. Each man would keep his tricks, and when the waffles were served he would receive those, and those only, represented by the cards in the tricks he had taken. I

hoker. "But suppose you had

t, "you'd have bad lu

said Mr.

reason to believe that the scheme had objectionable features to the majority of t