The Inventions of the Idiot

l Exp

Idiot, as the School-master folded up the newspaper and put it in his pocket, "a

I don't remember much about it. I rare

tentive or not, and I have been thinking the matter over a good de

lock the door. If you have really got hold of an idea yo

with a smile. "I have it securely l

onesome," sai

n idea in the Idiot's mind must feel somewhat as a tall, stout Irish mai

edicine, and literature, when the three of you combined could make a fortune as an incarnate comic paper. I don't see why you don't make a combination like those German bands t

cently developed, to take the Idiot's part in the breakfast-table discussions. "They might be so successful that the barber-shops, instead of

ng to save his dignity by taking the bull by the horns. "We might d

g, that said the Doctor here looked like one of Cruikshank's physicians

rt!" cried the School-master, wr

ial Friend who occasionally imbibes. Mr. Pedagog denies it; I didn't say it; Mrs. Pedagog wouldn't say it. That leaves only two of us-the Bibliomaniac and th

laring at the Idiot. "Do you mean

that has done that-the circumstantial evidence against you is strong; but the

ressively, "I want you to distinctly understand that I am not go

or looked like a creation of Cruikshank. I couldn't have said it, because I don't think it. Mr. Pedagog denies it. In fact, eve

f circumstance!" inter

le. However, as I was saying, I think I have got hold of an idea involving

not the honor to be the husband of our landlady I'd move away

ut up in the dark for years and suddenly finds himself in a flood of sunlight. I am doing with you as an individual what I would have society do for mankind at large-in other words, wh

biage," said the Bibliomaniac, "you must be ab

im like a duck," said the

le at his own joke. "You are so light I wonder, i

ns up!" said the Idiot, turning to the Poet. "If I were you

very, v

tation cur

through th

e world I p

bout among

happy, hu

toss me he

eding grea

I would re

t, or perch

elf once m

on a piec

grinned broa

e said. "If we ever accept your comic-paper idea

ggestions I could make a fortune out of poetry. The only trouble is I have to quar

's give up bickering and turn our att

only one hundred and fifty, and, as I read the social news of to-day, not more than twenty-five people are now beyond all question in the swim. At dinners, balls, functions of all sorts, you read the names of these same twenty-five over and over again as having been present. Apparently no others attended-or, if the

who did not admire society-so called-and who did not object to

ot grow? Why are its ranks not augmented? There is raw material enough. You would like to get into the swim; so would I. But we don't know how. We read books of etiquette

t pease wi

pie with

t salt o

crumbs at

s yawning. But, while this is instructive, it teaches us how to behave on special occasions only. You or I might call upon a young woman who did not sit on a divan, who had no tiger-skin rug to put her feet on, and whose parlor had a mantel-piece against which we could not lean comfortably. What are we to do then? As far as they go, the funny papers are excellent, but they don't go far enough. They give us attractive pictures of fashionable dinners, but it is always of the dinner after the game course. Some of us would like to know how society behaves while the soup is being served. We know that after the game course society girls reach acros

knew how things were done on coaches to come and do these things on their coach. The young men came and imparted a realism to the scene that made that coach the centre of attraction. People who went to that play departed educated in coach etiquette. Now there lies my scheme in a nutshell. If these twenty-five, the Old Guard of society, which dines but never surrenders, will give once a week a social function in some place like Madison Square Garde

t scheme," sa

e social functions given in that way would prove so popular that the Garden

the Bibliomaniac; "but how would it expa

pert diners, I would have them pass a searching examination in the Art of Wearing a Dress Suit, in the Science of Entering a Drawing-room, in the Art of Behavior at Afternoon Teas,

usive and would cease to be exclu

man or a woman the degree of B.S. unless he or she

ueried Mr

e which, once earned, should entitle one to recognition

ried Mr. Pedagog,

, further, it would preserve society. If we lose society we lose caste, and, worse than all, our fun