Poor Relations

hungry look of the ambitious actress who is drawing near to forty-she was in fact thirty-seven-and realizes that the disappoint

experienced as much malaise as he would have experienced from being shut up in a housemaid's closet with a large gramophone and the housemaid. This claustrophobia, however, was the smallest strain that his sister-in-law inflicted upon him; she affected his heart and his conscience more acutely, because he could never meet her without a sensation of guilt on account of his not yet having found a

s the roughest and toughest loofah that was ever known. She is irritant and

of having escaped the devil to fall into the deep sea, of having jumped from the frying-pan into the fire

insane play of his. And, by Jove, if they had married, neither of them would have been a relation! Moreover, if Laurence had been caught by Eleanor, Edith might

ked by an angry mob-an illusion that he had learnt to connect with his sister-in-law's arrival. To

ned Maud, who was holding the front-door open and looking apprehens

ly. "She can't afford them, and there's no excuse

ld of which she turned like Medea upon Jason to have th

d get my message?

lled down. "I'm exp

a howdah; now he had fired and missed, and she was embracing him as usual. How many times at how many meetings with Eleanor had he tried unsuccessfully to dodge that kiss-which al

when you got back from America; but never mi

much, Eleanor. W

sarcastic

rick of Eleanor's that he deplored; dash it, he was two

down to the country. Lambton wants me for a six weeks' tour before Xmas, and I can't leave the

ohn said. "But what I don't understand is why B

ill. Surely you

his children might prove fatal. However

he way Hilda wrote to me, and now th

quite und

for a short visit? Then they can go dow

lidays won't begin fo

kno

at Bertram and Viola shou

ay, and I suppose that Maud or Elsa will always be available to take Viola

accepted the arra

ly as she's in the middle of a Spanish series. Her cachucha is ..." Eleanor could only blow a

ity he could have credited her with bein

s easily as to Earl's Court. In fact, it will be more convenient, or

ly convenient for the govern

French lessons every afternoon. You won't want to have her all the time with you, and the

governess bobbing in and out of my house. It's bound to make trouble with the servants who always thin

u had any sort of connection with the stage? By the way, you

t of my next play is a secre

njou, for which she would be as suitable as a giraffe, that in order to e

d better come to-night, because to-morrow being Sunday they'll have no lessons, whic

e'll be enchante

for lunch, and th

g at the horridly distorted watch upon her wrist. "I wonder if we migh

to be opened; he fel

d concluded that after all Bertram and Viola would not together be as bad as Laurence with his play, not to mention Harold with his spec

Cold

an arrangement with Miss Coldwell by which she will add to her salary by undertaking all responsibility for Viola until

rget the danc

What's-her-name's

orget to arrange

hat Miss Coldwell would probably call 'extras.'

as been awfully see

ring from? Infan

use in Earl's Court. You mustn't let success spoil you, John. It's so easy when everything

I should never

me, you old crab. But I don't

ppose that there's anybody alive who

ear and said she must ge

been unkind, and he reproached himself

th Laurence, who clinched it. Eleanor is right: I am letting myself be spoilt by success. After all, there's no reason why those two children shouldn't come here. They won't be writing plays about apostles. I'll send

agne, for if John had drunk another glass he mig

eir likeness to him, remembering what a nightmare it had always seemed when Hilda used to excavate points of resemblance between him and Harold. Mrs. Worfolk her

ing, don't you, Uncle

Maud's-er-capabil

aud was present at the time he could not, either for

ys for an Indian in the b

, my boy, I sup

-an Indian marble. And I swopped f

be at the Fo

Uncle John, that two of t

would not debar you fr

oreign Office? We've got

oreign Office. That, my boy, might p

g very well what yo

should be suppleness, weakness where there should be firmness, and for

aren't you? No, really, w

preserve of a priv

pon the possession of a nephew whose perseverance and

negotiations with Hilda at Christmas to provide for his mental training on condition

t ten o'clock to wish him good-night, she

nyone as of Miss Viola. 'That child's a regular little angel, Mrs. Worfolk,' she said to me. Well, sir, I'm bound to say that children does brighten up a house. I'm sure I've done my best what with putting flowers in all the vawses and

anage children perfectly. I only hope that Miss Coldwell will fall in with my ideas. If s

or's communication, but it was serious enough to keep Miss Coldwell at home for three weeks. "Meanwhile," Eleanor wrote, "she is trying to get her sister to come down from"-the abode of the sister was equally illegible. "But the most

wledge he was less sanguine: the only thing that George

ltation with his housekeeper,

rfolk confidently proclaimed, "well, I

s appreciatio

rried gets used to the idea of having children. There's always the chance, as you might say.

rs. Worfol

welry who was driving to Buckingham Palace. One of the new arrivals, it was; and his arm got blood poisoning. That's how I remember it was Jubilee year, though u

d he got agai

wouldn't of turned round so quick, and there's no saying he wouldn't of been alive to this day. No, sir, don't y

e the announcement of Miss Coldwell's desertion, notwithstanding Mrs. Worfolk

ertram, this applies equally to you, that p

heir youthful sympathy, but it more ominously resembled a kind of gloating ecstacy, as the

ed that it is feared she will not be a

th which Bertram and Viola greeted the sad news. After the first cries and

, Miss

come to

hurrah

well's no

e singers for their insens

dangerously il

ng," Bertr

might

too beautiful for any verbal utterance, and he remained op

in?" Viola breathed, her blue eyes

k his hea

he cried, "wouldn't

full for words: he simpl

little beasts," thei

htfully strict,"

able to do anything decent

mind. But perhaps she would recover, in which case she should spend her convalescence at Ambles wit

attitude," John declared. "And you'll fi

id Bertram with a smile

imprudent subject for debate. "And now, to-day

s dress up on Sun

," John replied. "

he room, and he ran

rtly be going to church, and I want you

rfolk h

ou thinkin

ybody in particular, but

her room

l, E

her dinn

, perhaps y

r go to church except of an evening somet

retired. "Though I'm hanged if I'm going to take them,"

ther side of him in the sabbath calm of the Hampstead streets footfall-haunted, he was appalled at his rashness. There was a church close to his own house, but with an instinct to avoid

n't go through any slums, you know, becau

" John argued. "I am we

went for a walk with

much fiercer than the slums round Hampstead

and not open: a few minutes later, however, an indubitably Anglican place of worship invited their attendance, a

t. But I wish to goodness he'd put us in the sec

picuous position, but even as he turned his head a terrific crash from

as to the church of his recollections as Mount Everest to a molehill. As a simple spectator without encumbrances he might have enjoyed the service and derived considerable inspiration from it for the decorative ecclesiasticism of his new play; as an uncle it alarmed and confused him.

doing?" whisp

at he tried to feel was the rig

oy doing with a spoon

forth again. "Atte

eal service, is i

he began to be afraid that his attitude of devotional self-abasement might be seeming a little ostentatious, and he pe

e hoped would be an authoritative whisper, b

they're doing," both

rence and growled at them both to kneel down, unless they wanted to be sent back instantly to Earl's Court. Evidently impressed by this threat the children knelt down; but they were no sooner upon their knees than the perverse congregation rose to its feet, the concerted movement taking John so com

w and must be careful not to disturb the-" he hesitated at the word

fidgetings until two acolytes advanced with lighted candles to a pos

o read?" Bertram as

hispered. "Thi

e was convinced that if he did not lead them out their gigglings and snortings would have a disastrous effect upon the soloist. Then he had a brilliant idea: Viola was obviously much upset by the incense and he would escort her out into fresh air with the solicitude that one gives to a sick person: Bertram he should leave behind to giggle alone. He watched his nephew bending lower and lower to contain his mirth; then with a quick propulsive gesture he hurried Viola into the aisle. Unfortunately when with a sigh of relief

ollecting for some charity. Confound that boy! And I can't pretend that I'm feeling too hot in the middle of Novem

lindly was the right adverb indeed, for he would certainly be unable to see anything from under his uncle's hat. Viola, having recovered from her choking fit, began to cry at this point, and an old lady who must have noted with tender approval John's exit came out with a bottle of smelling-salts, which she begged him to make use of. Before he could de

u stop crying?" he ask

ertram,"

ertram appeared, led

to behave himself in church," on

t had rolled into the next pew. Let go of my arm. I slipped off

publicly from the responsibility of having begotten

ped, and I fell i

, and he was left behind by accident. Thank you for showing him the way out, yes. Come

egan, and then he saw a pass

n into whose hands he had thrust the bottle. "Come along," he urged the children, and when they were scrambling into

i John turned

r been inside a church befo

her uncle had endured, "when we dress up to-day sha

we can find for dressin

ayed a lit

up?" he

ry Sunday," the childre

I dare say Mrs. Worfolk will be able

scornfully. "That's not

ent to your ordinary costume. I didn't anticipate th

you twig what U

hook he

" said Bertram,

w and his niece, and when they were once again back in the quiet house, the hall of which was faintly savoury wit

s up immediately," he added as an exc

nt on to inform him that the domenical régime

hat I'm afraid I must ask you

we come up and sit with you while you write your le

ompany in a spirit of altruism, and he could not muster enough g

ather a ripping ro

s very old,"

am inquired, looking round at the shel

haven't," said Joh

up Boys Ow

hook h

got," he added with a sudden in

ok?" asked Bertr

gods and goddesses, essentia

teered. "Come on, V, don't start showing off your rotten dancin

r to propitiate any impatience at what they might

roes would before the twilight of that November day run through 36 Church Row like fire. But then John did not know that there was a calf's head for dinner that night; he had not realized the scenic cap

r Andrómeda?" Bert

John answered. "Per

a jolly good play, don'

was a great improvement upon tha

eed, heartily. "Are you

Crusoe. Well, you see, you haven't got any decent fur ru

avage," Viola pleaded in de

s as well. I know I'd jolly wel

ffered. "You can, an

hat in the middle of a p

d Bertram's esthetic objection to changing parts in the mid

Kingsley? Bravo, Bertram," he sa

if you're writing letters. Mother said you often liked to be quiet." He alluded to this desire rather shamefully, as if i

ll Mrs. Worfolk that we c

e w

it would make a fizzing Gorgon's head, b

s ingenuity that he sent for Mrs. Worfolk and told he

ty for your dinner," said

g happens to the head I shan't grumble. The

up her eyes to heave

e arranged that fo

Uncle John,"

Uncle John,"

rchgoing; the setting had of course been utterly unfamiliar; these ritualistic places of worship were a mistake in an unexcit

ve wanted to know how much the head weighed, and whether in life it preferred to browse on buttercups or daisies; but when finally it was cooked he would have eaten twice as much as anybody else. I prefer Bertram's attitude; though naturally I can ap

of wonderful situations in the fourth act, puffing away at his cigar and hearing from time to time distant shouts and scamperings; th

tone with which the roused sleeper always impli

lumber to be got, and Maud in the hysterics, and those two young Tartars screaming like Bedlamites, and your dinner ruined and done for, and t

g-shape on his head, a tea-tray on his arm, a Turkish scimitar at his waist, and the pinions of a blue and green bird tied r

eus," he yelled. "You can't m

on and his Gladstone," said Mrs. W

tram lunging at her with the sci

d in a napkin, held the tea-tray befo

ttle over-excited," s

gan to flow past his feet and pour

is full of wat

rfolk fumed. "He's done something with that ther

d Maud bound fast to the disordered cistern, while Viola holding in her mouth a large ivory paper-knife and wearing what looked like Mrs. Worfolk's sealskin ja

again, Master Bertram," the

" Bertram was arguing. "Andromeda," he cried seeing by the manner of his uncle's advance that the curtain mu

tram planting his foot in the small of her back waved triumphantly the Gorgon's head, both

Bertram and Viola were led downstairs to be dried and

if Miss Coldwell had come, we co

come at such a moment. Then he remembered how often he had heard his sister-in-law Beatrice lament her childlessness. Why should he not visit James and Beatrice this very evening? He owed them a visit, and his domestics were all obviously t

s a helping hand this week," John sugg

ht again which it looks more like Shooting the Chutes at

y might have played with another element. Fire, fo

wn into the kitchen and trying to tell me that the kitchen-fire was a serpent and start attacking it tooth and nail. And there was poor Elsa shut

you, Mrs. Worfo

' I said, 'my lord, you let me catch hold of you and I'll ma

rs. James could cont

turned into Gordon's heads. And whatever give them the idea, I don't know, for I'm sure General Gordon was a very han

ur later he was walking through the misty Nove