Gamble With My Heart

“Please don't. I'm begging you please.”

“I like it when you beg me Mia. It makes you look even more beautiful.”

“Please you're a good person, don't do this to me.”

“The tears in your eyes just makes your green eyes shine brighter. Wow look at that, so beautiful. I always craved you and now I can finally taste you.”

I could hear myself screaming but I felt paralyzed by fear.

“Mia! Mia! Mia! Please wake up.

I woke up and a piercing scream escaped from my mouth. I clung to my best friend Rue while wild tears flowed down my face. It happened again, I couldn't believe that I had the same dream again after trying everything I could to stop having those dreams. Was I crazy? Was my mind sick or was I just weak? It happened 3 years ago but I still think about it. I couldn’t stop myself from sobbing, my tears had already soaked Rue's T-shirt. I stayed in Rue's arms for an hour watching my tears soak her shirt and then fade away. I wish my memories could fade away just like my tears do but I knew that was wishful thinking. Anyone who had to experience half of what I had been through would have killed themselves by now but I kept believing that I was in this world for something else other than pain.

I would like to believe I was a strong person with a weak mind but that would be a lie and I hate liars. I have to give my mind props for not going mad. The little monster was adamant it wouldn't break. I wonder if I will ever find peace in my life. I just keep moving from one struggle to the other. When will I find peace? Question should be will I ever find peace. I think there are just people destined to not be happy in this world, I guess I'm one of them. I'm grateful for Rue without her. I don't know where I would be. She took me in 3 years ago when I ran away from home and helped me get a job. I was eternally grateful to her and owed her my life. Without Rue I would have been absorbed by the darkness that lives inside me because happiness has never lived inside me. I have seen people happy but the thought of being happy was a foreign concept to me.

I wonder why Rue chose to be my friend. She was loved by her family, she was pretty and she had money. I actually worked in her family restaurant because I was the boss's friend, so most people treated me with respect. They always ask me the same questions. How the hell did you and Rue become friends and how are ya'll able to stay friends? You see, Rue has a bit of a temper and I’m more timid and hate confrontation but we were able to become friends by respecting each other's boundaries.

We didn't only defer in the personality department. We also defer in the looks department. Rue dyed her hair dusty rose gold ( I remember because I went with her to the salon and spent a good 5 hours while the stylist perfected the color) . She had pale skin and had a supermodel figure. While I had brown long hair and olive skin with a little bit more curves than Rue. I hated my curves because it attracted the wrong men to me. Rue always said I could be a playboy model but that's not my idea of fun or amazing. Since I was young men always assumed I was older and tried their luck with me. It made me hate male attention and affection. Once someone asked me if I was Selena Gomez. I actually liked that question because Selena is hot, so it made me think I was as beautiful as her. The only thing me and Rue have in common is that we both tall. In everything else we are different. I had green eyes, she had blue eyes. I was a tom boy and she was a girly girl. I loved reading and she loved shopping. None of our hobbies matched but we still found a way to have fun together. I never had a best friend until Rue came along.

“Mia , are you okay?’ I could hear the concern in Rue's voice but I kept quiet. I was still trying to figure out what to say without breaking down. After what felt like hours, I stood up and went towards the bathroom in my room.

“Jocelyn can you please leave? I need to get ready for class.”

“Mia you can't keep shutting me out and pretending like you not in pain. I know you in pain. I could hear you screaming from down the hall. You need to get help.”

“Help! Are you serious? What do you think I've been doing all these years? Was I just twiddling my thumbs? I went to a therapist, I tried hypnosis, I tried meditation. What else do you want me to do?”

“Try another therapist, you need to talk about this with someone.”

“How is talking about it going to solve anything? Talking doesn't solve shit. After all that talking will the situation change?”

Rue looked down at her feet. I knew she was looking for a way to comfort me. Rue always tried to say something that would make me feel hopeful but I was not hopeful at all. Hope didn’t live in me. Hope was a foreign body to me just like love was as rare as a truthful politician. It doesn’t exist. I hate having a pity party for myself. I knew I had to force myself to get out of this depressive state. I was the only one that could get myself out of this depressive state.

I walked into my bathroom and closed the door. I needed to be alone. Every time I had that dream I always had to give myself a pep talk before I could fully function as a human again. I picked up my toothbrush and brushed my teeth while looking in the mirror. The person that stared at me looked like me but also looked sadder. I brushed my teeth vigorously until I could taste blood in my mouth. I wonder if that's a method of self harm. I doubt it but I know I always felt good when I felt blood in my mouth.

I put down my tooth brush once I had felt sufficient pain in my mouth. I splashed water on my face and looked in the mirror. Why won't the person in the mirror go away? I keep splashing water on my face hoping and praying for my reflection in the mirror to disappear. I hate looking at my sad self in the mirror.

“Aaaah! Why can't I disappear? I slapped myself hard across the face to calm myself down.

“Look Mia you can do this. Stop letting your head win. You are tough, you are strong and you are amazing." I kept repeating the same words over and over again to myself hoping that maybe if I keep repeating it then maybe I will start believing it. It hadn’t worked so far but it did help a bit. I stood up tall with my shoulders pushed back and trying to be as confident as I can be. I pointed at myself in the mirror and said "You will not succumb to the terrors of your past. You will not be another lost cause. You will not fail. You are beautiful and you are amazing. Don't let anything take your smile away. You are that bitch and you will forever be that bitch. "A smirk was all over my face. Although I still felt a bit down, talking to myself like that always made me feel better.

Now I felt I could take on the world again. "Okay Mia, time to be invincible. "I took off my clothes and I went into the shower. "Today is going to be a good day no matter what. "I thought if I keep saying it then maybe I can start believing it or fool myself into believing it. I can't be a sour puss everyday now, that would just make people run away from me. Although I feel depressed I would hate to make the people around me feel depressed too. So if it means spending 30 mins everyday forcing myself to smile until it looks natural then that's what I'm going to do.

The hot water on my skin felt so good. I liked making sure the water temperature was very hot, sometimes to hot that it sometimes left me with blisters but because I felt so cold inside I always tried to stay warm. Thinking that by being physically warm it would heal my cold heart. As I watched the water bounce off my body I started to relax and unwind. I felt good in the shower and it made me realize that it wasn’t fair of me to talk to Rue the way I did this morning. She's my friend and I shouldn't have snapped at her the way I did this morning but I was also pissed at her trying to pressure me to go see a therapist when I wasn't ready to go see another one and get disappointed over the failed attempt to stop me from having the same dream every time.

SHOULD I APOLOGIZE TO RUE?