Tear-stained cheeks, my mascara was now an ugly smudge after being ruined with all the crying I had been doing for the past hour. I could not recognize myself as I looked through the mirror. The more I stared at myself the more the tears. I could hear them in the next room. Their moans enraged me and made me feel like throwing up. I retched but nothing came out. Disgust is what I felt. My life had turned out to be a chaotic mess and I wondered what I had done to deserve all that. I was a good person or so I believed. I smiled through the pain and thought to myself that everything was going to be okay. I did not believe that myself but I had to tell myself to keep going or I would be stuck in a loop with my past trying to set myself free...
Chapter 1 CHANGE
Tear-stained cheeks, my mascara was now an ugly smudge after being ruined with all the crying I had been doing for the past hour. I could not recognize myself as I looked through the mirror. The more I stared at myself the more the tears kept coming. I could hear them in the next room. Their moans enraged me and made me feel like throwing up. I retched but nothing came out.
Disgust is what I felt.
How foolish was I to believe both of them? I felt like a complete fool. I had known the truth but now the difference was that it had left my heart shattered and at that moment I thought to myself maybe sometimes the truth does not matter if it will end up hurting someone ...
______________
Moving states had never been in my plans. I always wanted to stay in my hometown forever but... some circumstances were unavoidable.
Maybe I could forget everything by changing my routines and my daily views, but that sounded like a lie even in my head.
Everyone needed a fresh start once in life... Especially when things never go your way. In my case, things went pretty sour and I needed to get out or else I would drown in the past. It was like I was fighting my past self like I was looking deep into a well. If I don't look away, I will be swept by the darkness of the abyss.
I knew they all wanted me gone; my mother and my brother, the two I never wanted to feel that way about me. My mother always says there is always a perfect time for everything; when I was invited to California, it was as if the perfect opportunity has presented itself in front of me to escape my life and be someone else. I want to believe I was ready to live it.
Going through my daily routine I took a quick shower and now what I despised I had to look through my mess of clothes to get dressed. I choose some sweatpants a hoodie, and my white converse. If you already guessed I am a boring person. I lived alone and checked my clock if I didn't hurry up I'll be late and I don't want to be in detention later I've got work to do.
I grab my keys and go towards my car. In less than fifteen minutes am in the school parking lot. I study at the University of California majoring in biology science,pppttff genius right I know what you're thinking well that's the case but according to the people I meet daily in the hallways, I sometimes think am in the wrong place they don't look like they are supposed to be here or am the one in the wrong place. I grab my satchel bag from the backseat ready to start my day. As I lock my car I hear the well sweet annoying voice of my deskmate.
"Heyyy Ella", Soffie screams
"hey and can you please lower your voice you'll give me a headache" I retorted back at her
"Don't be mean I know you like me you just pretending not ", she said I don't like her I just enjoy her company. I know am being a bad"friend" but I have had enough disappointments in my life from friends and am tired of all the friend's crap. I just continue walking ignoring Soffie but I can hear her rumbling about how my heart is cold.
Cold huh I think I a mentally ill or something I have weird conversations in my head okay well am weird that explains it then.
I can't hear what Soffie is saying beside me because am lost in my thoughts I have like fifteen minutes before my class starts. Looking back at how my life was before I came to California I just have some rules
1. Don't trust anyone
2. Reread the first rule
It's simple but I have to repeat it so you know how much I don't fuck with nobody.
My life is simply no family no friends just me alone. I mean it saves you from all the pain of having high expectations of your friends when you don't know their real intentions. I don't have time to get to know someone so that I can figure out their real motive in my life.
I know not everyone is the same but please I am drained I don't have the energy in me anymore.
"Are you even listening to me Ella God I have been talking to you and weren't even listening to me, you know what just live like people don't exist"scoffs Soffie as she walks down the hallway and leaves me standing there?
I feel bad for some seconds and then I remember what I told myself trust nobody. I don't have the time of being a weakling because I made the only person who wants to be friends with me feel bad.
To survive, you have to hide your emotions because if you don't people will read you like a book, and destroying you will be like a piece of cake.
Cake... how did I forget to grab breakfast on my way here I guess I'll have to go on with an empty stomach.
Looking down at my watch I have like two minutes before my lecture starts I rush down the hallway as I enter the lecture room
I spot Soffie at her usual place I guess I just have to tell her sorry because I low-key kinda like her. She looks up when she sees me "took your time to get here huh," she says. Now that's my girl " am sorry I was just lost in thoughts earlier I didn't mean to ignore you" I say apologetically. "It's fine it's nothing new don't sweat it," she says. I officially feel bad I mean she is trying to be my friend and am pushing her away. I know the feeling too well I know how it feels like to try so much to be someone's friend and they ignore you they just live their life like you don't exist. I push my thoughts away and look unaffected by her comment.
"Well if you say so", I tell her as I see the lecturer enter the lecture room. As I hear the lecturer start talking okay well not talking doing his thing I start drifting back to my thoughts. Everyone has a reason why they don't like associating with people trying to pry into your past. I mean I know friends have to know things about each other and stuff like that but my past is haunted.
The more I know people and tell them about it I think they'll change their perspective on me not that I care but I choose to keep it to myself I don't want their pity.
Pity from people will make you look like a weak person and I don't want to be weak. Talking about some things that open wounds I know, not all wounds heal but being in your past it has to stay there.
I moved here to stay afresh. I used to stay at Gualdahara my past belongs there not here this is a new life and so Good help me if anyone tries to cross my path I'll fucking destroy them. Everything I went through made me realize you will always be on your own and don't rely on anyone. Life is just full of disappointments and those break you real fast. Those disappointments taught me the hard way they made me this cold.
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