The One He Never Put First

On our wedding day, he had to rush to take his ex-wife to the emergency room because she was going to give birth.

I'm not a terrible person, of course I understood - she was having a baby. I just wish he would've called. Or come to our wedding at all that day.

A text would've been better than nothing.

It wasn't always like this, for a while it was great. For a while, it was the best thing I'd ever had. I'd even go so far to say it was like that for him too.

We were never perfect but I think that was what made it work, that was what made us work.

He put in the effort and I did too.

He cared.

So much that he would've given anything and everything to see a smile on my face.

He used to leave me little notes about how much he loved me on random days. Sometimes it would be cute little sentences about how much I mean to him and how I was his saving grace.

Sometimes he would leave me words like 'beyond' in the morning, he would then come back from work later that day to explain to me that it meant he loves me beyond comprehension.

The one time he left a note inside my jean pocket that ended up in the washing machine without my knowledge. I'd been so mad because all the clothes I'd been washing ended up messy from all the wet paper that got on my clothes because he was trying to be cute.

"Your jeans can always be replaced, but my love for you won't." He'd whispered to me and we'd made love the whole night that evening.

He used to insist on picking me up after work every day, he'd always said a queen like me should never bother herself with mundane activities like that, of course I'd rolled my eyes.

I knew it was because he'd always thought my colleagues had a thing for me so he wanted to make it very clear that I was taken.

To him, everyone had a thing for me, even our security guards. I think all is partly to do with the insecurities he'd accumulated through the years.

He used to be my biggest rock no matter what I was going through. Talking to him was my calm, my serenity.

We were each other's cheerleaders.

But now?

He hasn't been home in a week. I wish I could say that's something odd but it's not. It started off happening every now and then, he would miss dinners because of 'work'. And then there were never-ending business trips. Now he just disappears without saying a word.

But see, I know for a fact that he's not cheating on me. That's not the person that he is, at all. Especially having been through the things he has with his exes.

He's got a lot going on, which is something I understand.

Aaron Miller is the busiest, most successful man in the country right now. He's also my husband of a little over three years.

We met when he'd given up on love. He'd gotten a divorce from wife number four and had officially decided that was it for him, relax - he married young and the marriages didn't last very long. He'd decided that love was something that was simply not for him until I showed up... at least that's what he said.

He said that I was a light at the end of a very long and dark tunnel.

See, Aaron is a lover. He's the kind of man that gives himself wholeheartedly to someone that he loves. But when you keep giving yourself away like that, you end up depleted.

When you marry an older guy, you've got to be prepared to face the demons he'd accumulated through the many years. In my case specifically, the demons he'd carried from his other marriages.

It gets worse...

Aaron still keeps in contact with his ex-wives, for various reasons ranging from the fact that he's got three kids in total with three of them to the 'simple' fact that these were people who meant the world to him at one point, so he wasn't going to just throw them in the dirt once he was done with them.

I'd been 'ok' with this explanation, enough to not lose my mind. But also, it couldn't have been that bad, could it? Yes, they were his ex-wives but I was the one that he was with now. I needed to focus on that, and I did.

But when they started calling in the middle of the night as we laid in bed, and when they would show up at our home unannounced, it became a problem.

He used to say that one of the things he loved about me was the fact that I was understanding, I'd always felt like that was a trap. Because he'd said that about me, I was forced to then be 'understanding' all the time, even when I really didn't understand, and that happened to be all the time. I'd conformed over and over until it became too much. One could only keep it in for so long.

So I'd finally confronted him about it, it was something that messed my mind up for a while until I'd decided I wasn't going to do that to myself anymore. If he loved me he would understand, right?

Wrong.

This is still something we fight about three years later.

I don't like to bring it up anymore because it's something that I know will never change. So when they call, I put a smile on my face so he doesn't walk out on me because I'm 'starting again'.

When they show up to our home unannounced, I make them a nice meal because that's what a good wife does right?

And when his adoptive kids who are older than me disrespect me, I 'try to understand', because this is 'something new to them'.

But when we're all alone, when his ex-wives aren't calling and showing up, when his kids don't come around, we're great. More than just great, we're the happiest.

He sings me lullabies because I struggle to sleep most nights. He spoils me rotten. He loves me, a lot.

But is that enough?

Is it enough that I have to suffer through the misery of always being put last and being disregarded?

Is it enough to be the one he never puts first?

I guess so because this baby is not going to raise itself.

I coincidentally hold my slowly protruding belly at the thought then swerve a little to allow the aggressive driver behind me passage.

"Hi Siri, please call my husband."

I'm sure Siri is tired of that request because I am too.

But I need him to come back home. I don't care about the stupid fight we had before he left, I just need him to be here with me. I crave his proximity, I crave his love.

The deep love he used to have for me. The incredible passion that we shared. I miss it all.

But I guess he doesn't because,

"You have reached the voicemail box of ..."

I let my disappointment come out in a form of tears.

If he wants me to never utter a word about his ex-wives again, I won't. If he wants me to be his pretty little wife who doesn't voice any concerns, I will be.

All I need is for him to answer his phone and tell me that he's ok and he'll be coming home to me soon.

I let my tears stream down my face, so much that I don't notice the aggressive driver has stopped in the middle of the road.

I try to stop the car with all my might but I'm too late because not too long after our cars collide and everything goes dark.

.... for a while.

Until my eyes pop open. I ignore my seemingly disfigured body and the shattered glasses all around me.

I feel water dripping down from my head and I almost wipe it off until I realize it's too thick to be water and it's dripping out so much that I wouldn't manage to clean it all off if I tried.

I then focus on my mission to find my bag then internally smile when I reach it without having to stretch too much because I'm not sure if I would've been able to do that.

I don't have any other family, not anymore. Something about being married to a man who's old enough to be my father didn't sit right with them.

But I was in love. I AM in love.

So much so that even though he hasn't answered my last 200 calls, I still believe in him.

I believe that he will show up for me, just like he'd promised he'd always do.

But when the voicemail message sounds again, I feel my heart getting shattered into a million pieces.

But I still say,

"I'm sorry. About everything. I'm sorry I never appreciated the love that you gave me and I brought up problems. I'm sorry I was a horrible wife to you. And I'm sorry that I don't have any family so you're going to have to deal with the inconvenience that is burying me." I say slowly feeling my flesh leave my body.

"I love you so much Aaron. Never forget that."

I say ending my voice message then I feel my eyes slowly shutting.

I collapse not long after.