She hides the truth from me 01

Monday, September 19.

I am sitting on this small purple couch.

It is hot in this room.

The only source of natural light is hidden by blackout shutters that are at least 10 years old.

I am alone with my tortured soul.

My brain is boiling.

I am fed up and my interlocutor is getting on my nerves.

This conversation is pointless. I don't want to continue. I want to be alone. I don't want to lose the little comfort I've built up. I don't want to lose this little glimmer of hope.

I want to get out, I want to get out of this vicious circle.

-Jack I have to!

This conversation is already annoying me. Yet I know it's not going to end any time soon.

-Why is that? You have no right to make me!

The incomprehension can be seen on my face. He knows what will happen if he abandons me. He has no right to leave me like that.

He is the one who helped me, supported me when I sank. I don't want anyone else's help.

-I'm telling you this for your own good. We're going to take away your custody of Mabel if you refuse!

My heart sinks at his remark.

Living without Mabel is impossible. She is my breath, my pride, my life preserver in the ocean of shit that is my life.

Anger rises in me but also a deep concern.

I need him to reassure me.

-WHAT! You're not serious now, I hope!

His face, usually so closed, reveals his thoughts to me. His complexion becomes sad as when one addresses condolences.

My heart splits while my face remains impassive, as always.

His voice is strangely soft, whereas it is usually deep and gruff.

-Jack, they think you're crazy.

This revelation is like a dagger in the heart.

It's hard for me to accept.

I angrily run my hand through my white hair. My breathing becomes jerky. I run my hands over my face. My heart beats in my chest.

Childhood memories take possession of me.

For a brief moment the wall I have erected collapses.

I see again this weak little kid in front of my eyes.

It is his fault, only his fault.

Am I at fault too?

Surely a little, otherwise it would be him sitting on the fucking sofa and not me.

My hatred towards him is triggered, I scream.

-SHIT!

My voice is low. A shiver runs down my spine.

My voice softens just as quickly, it's a whisper.

-I am not sick.

The Doc' runs his hand through his red beard. A compassionate smile appears on his lips.

The sound of his boots echoes in this small part of the room.

He sits down in front of me.

-In the eyes of the law, depression is a disease. Please Jack, accept.

I know he is right but I don't want to accept it.

I have been fighting for too long, I can't give up, not now.

What do I have to lose?

Everything.

What do I gain?

My sister's custody.

I rest my head against the back of the couch.

I breathe out of spite.

A question pops into my brain.

-If I go see this shrink, will social services leave me alone?

No answer.

I look at the beautiful world through the high window of my shrink's office. The life on the street strikes me. I feel like I am alone against this suffocating city that is Manhattan.

I turn my head towards Serge, he swallows his saliva violently.

My jaw tightens.

I wait for his answer.

-Jack...

I stare into his big green eyes.

The bile rises to my throat.

I want his fucking answer...

-Please Serge, answer me!

I shouted, loudly, too loudly. The stress is on my face, I don't even try to hide it.

Serge blows loudly, so hard that the few strands of hair that fall on his forehead are agitated.

His soft voice of the day, finally reveals to me my greatest terror.

-They won't let you go but let's say they'll be more lax in some way.

I think.

Everything jostles in my head.

My past and my present are fighting a duel. I have to take the right path, this is Mabel we're talking about. She deserves the best.

I don't want to risk losing my princess.

I weigh the pros and cons.

My brain screams at me to accept but my soul screams at me to refuse.

My brain screams at me to move on but my soul screams at me to fight my demons.

The decision is quick to make. It has to be, no one can know. No one can know.

-In this case I accept.

His big green eyes round up.

Shock shows on his wrinkled face.

-Really?

A thin smile freezes on my pale face.

I suddenly feel lighter, as if my subconscious is assuring me that I have made the right choice, or at least the best one for me.

-Yes, Doc. I accept. I'm doing it for Mabel, just so we're clear!

A smile brightened his bearded face.

But his eyes have closed, I can't read them anymore.

I usually excel in this field, I read with great ease in his eyes but there I can not.

-Jackson, don't you want to treat yourself?

Jackson...He knows I hate being called that but he doesn't know the reason. Nobody knows the reason.

I gasp in frustration.

Damn, he's a pain, always the same question!

I usually yell at him but today I'm calming my anger.

He's retiring Jack, be nice.

I swallow my harsh words and answer him as calmly as possible, even if a hint of anger is heard.

-Listen Doc, I'm at the bottom of the hole, so today I don't give a damn!

He blows. He knows my answer. It's the same one I've had for five years.

But he doesn't retaliate, as if he's tired of fighting me all the time.

-All right, I'll contact her then!

Her?!

-She's a woman, the shrink?

A carnivorous smile appears on his lips.

This smile is a bad sign.

I've only seen that smile a few times, but I know exactly what it means.

-Yes. Her name is Elsa White. Does it bother you that she's a woman?

I shrug my eyebrows and shoulders.

No one can help me anyway. My life is too full of mistakes, injustice and pain.

-Pff...I don't care! I feel sorry for her, with a case like mine she will end up bald before the end of the session.

My little bit of humor makes my shrink laugh out loud.

Her deep voice fills the whole space of this small part of the office.

A thin smile appears on my beardless face.

-You're overreacting, Jack. Look at me, I still have all my hair!

I look at my shrink.

He is a man in his sixties. He is very tall with very broad shoulders. He has long red hair with the beginnings of a bald spot on top and above all what is atypical about this man is his long red beard.

He wears very simple and ample clothes but especially his mythical leather jacket of biker.

A real smile, the first one for a while comes to life.

-Yeah, let's say that, Doc. Your baldness takes over then!

Serge's big rough hand lands on my shoulder and shoves me in a friendly way.

An unpleasant shiver runs through me.

-That's mean Jack!

I put my hand on his and pull his away.

I don't like physical contact.

He gives me a slight nod of apology.

An uneasiness sets in.

I apologize.

-Sorry, Doc. I...it's the contact...I...well... No.

A sympathetic smile reveals his perfectly aligned teeth, but yellowed by the excess of tobacco.

-It's not you Jack. I know that, but you see, you're a bit like my son, like my Harold.

A warmth comes to life in me.

It touches me, very much so.

An ounce of nostalgia makes my heart beat. A distant memory appears.

I am alone in the middle of this crowd of sad people.

I can't really understand what's going on.

I am dressed all in black.

My parents are crying.

No one is looking at me, I am invisible.

My eyes rest on this big wooden frame. His picture is on it. He smiles.

He is dead now. I am alone now.

A warm, rough hand rests on my frail shoulder.

I turn around.

Two large green orbs probe me. A red beard swings before my eyes. I quickly find myself crying in the arms of this man.

-Thank you Serge, I'll miss you.

A sad smile freezes on his face.

It's the first time he's shown his feelings to me.

He is usually so professional.

I bow my head.

-Jack, it's the truth. And just because I'm retiring doesn't mean I'm giving up on my former patients.

That truth makes that feeling of abandonment that was building up inside me disappear.

-You're the only one I trust.

I am honest. He is the only one who knows my story, well, part of it. The rest nobody knows, I don't want to talk about it, it's too painful.

I don't want anyone to carry my pain, my sorrow and my torment.

-Oh, don't put the cart before the horse, my little Jack! I'm afraid when you see my replacement you'll change your mind about that!

I raise my eyebrows and look up as my psychologist hides a laugh in his beard.

-Why do you say that, Doc?

That toothy grin returns.

What does it mean?!

-I'll let you be surprised!

His answer surprises me and annoys me slightly.

I don't like surprises.

-Pff...as you wish.

Serge stands up.

He stretches his high and wide body.

-Well, it's time. Your last session with me is over.

I get up too.

I feel a slight twinge in my heart.

-Already! So here is your going-away present.

Her eyes round.

I don't like surprises, but I do like surprises enough.

I can see the surprise in her eyes.

-Oh thank you Jack! But you didn't have to!

I roll my eyes, everyone says that sentence, it doesn't really make sense anymore.

I wave my hand at him with a faint smile to encourage him to open his gift.

-I'm happy to do it. Come on, open it.

Her broad fingers meticulously peel off the red wrapping paper.

I follow with my eyes the gift paper flying to finally land on the ground.

A smile lights up his face.

-Oh! a box of chocolates and ... a drawing of Mabel. Thanks Jack.

His eyes light up at the sight of my little sister's drawing.

He rubs my hair lightly, like a child. This feeling of uneasiness in front of his affectionate gesture takes me back but I don't say anything, I don't want to hurt him.

-Yes, my sister also loves you very much.

He goes to his desk and puts my presents on it.

I follow with my eyes his slow and tender gestures.

-You will thank her for me Jack.

I raise my hand in agreement. When I notice that he can't see my gesture because his back is to me, I put words to my gesture.

-No problem.

I am about to leave the office, when I hear his footsteps coming towards me behind my back.

His hand gently squeezes my shoulder in a soft and delicate gesture. A shiver comes over me.

His deep voice, full of emotions, pierces my heart but I remain with my mask of impassivity.

-Good continuation Jack and come to see me when you want. You and Mabel of course!

I turn around and face the behemoth. I address him a last smile, false and light but a smile nevertheless.

-We'll come by for sure. Goodbye Doc.

I walk out the door, a spike in my heart.

And my heart on the edge of my lips.

-Yes. Goodbye Jack. Take care of yourself and little Mabel!

In the corridor, I shout my answer to him.

-As usual of course!

With a quick step I leave the doctor Haddock's office.

The hot air of the end of the summer welcomes me.

The sun is high in the sky.

My thoughts wander, as always.

I open my car and get inside.

A realization faces me, I am alone again.

Doctor Haddock is the only one who believes in me, who helps me.

He is the one who allowed me to get out of the water a little.

He is a little bit the father I don't have anymore.

But today I have to move on.

Mabel deserves happiness and I will fight for her to be the childhood I didn't have.