Do you hear me butterfly

What is the meaning of trauma bonding?

Trauma bonding occurs when a narcissist repeats a cycle of abuse with another person which fuels a need for validation and love from the person being abused. Trauma bonding often happens in romantic relationships; however, it can also occur between colleagues, non-romantic family members, and friends.

The woods are lovely dark and deep, and I have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep. Did you hear me butterfly? – Stuntman Mike “Death Proof”

January 18th, the day that I woke up. It is the day that I realized I had attached myself to monster. It is the day I learned that to him I was nothing more than an option, I was sex, I was his toy, like a cat chasing a mouse. Where I was nothing to him, he was my everything. I knew he had trauma bonded me to him when he slept with around with other women and still showed up to my home to sleep over night. I let him validate my feelings in how he missed me, he denied everything even though the proof was there. But I forgave him, and I even apologized for second guessing him. He was very good at making me feel like I was in the wrong for listening to such lies, and not just coming to him first.

He got mad when he found out one of our coworkers and I were talking, and they had told me straight up that he was sleeping with 4 other women, and he would brag about it within the office to them. After getting the information I had needed I told them thank you and confronted him about it. I had asked what I did wrong to make him seek outside validation and sexual experiences from third parties. Why was not I good enough for him anymore. He would get so mad, and we would start arguing, he would rile me into an anger and then tell me I was crazy or unstable because I was Borderline with Bipolar disorder. His favorite line to use on me that day was “How dare you go behind my back to my subordinate and get information that is just not factual!" I was floored at how he could call her his subordinate, but I was too, and he was just treating me so grimly. He kept telling me that he was done with me, and he never wanted to talk to me again and that if I put one toe out of line, he would make sure I was out of a job that week.

Other times he would tell me “If you had any sense, you'd have known I drive 45 minutes to see you. Why would I do that if these females are right next to me. I could have stayed home and done it. Not gone out of my way for this." I was crushed by that. I honestly thought that I was in the wrong, and I blamed myself during the entire fight. He distanced me, isolated me, and made me feel alone in my own thoughts of how I did wrong. So, I ended up making him an offer I knew he wanted. I told him he could sleep with other people if I did not have to find out but he had to leave me alone from that point on.

That alone was a huge mistake on my part, what kind of person agrees to that? It is my own fault for allowing that behavior in, even if it was during the later period of our time together. I knew that for some reason I did not want to lose him, even if it meant having to share him with other people. I thought I was making him happy, I thought that was the way to make him happy was to let him express himself. However, all it did to me was make me question it all. When he was not answering me for hours at a time the thoughts of if he were with someone else would creep in. Why wasn't I good enough for him? Was she prettier than me? None of those mattered, I knew that it should not have gone that far. I should not have allowed myself to be dragged down to such a dark place in my own mind where I wanted to die because it would have been more merciful then loving someone who never had any intention of loving me back.

Jaxon had started to get rougher with me as time progressed, the sex we had turned more violent. He would pull my hair so hard I felt as though every follicle was being ripped out by the grasp of who he was. He would snake his hand around my neck and all the oxygen was gone from my lungs. I would have to fight just so my windpipe was not crushed behind the weight of his hands. All the while I would hear “What’s wrong butterfly, can’t handle a little rough play?” Eventually it got to be too much for me, my body was sore and what felt like broken. I was constantly covered in bruises, and I was bleeding vaginally after every night he spent with me.

Anytime I would pull back from him he would pull me back in by telling me what I needed to hear at the time. He would go from not wanting anything to do with me to immediately telling me how he misses me. He would make me think that he needed me, and for a while I believed that to be the case. In all the times he would tell me he misses me; he would break those plans the same day. He would never show up. I lost count on how many times I waited up for him, and he would never say anything to me until later in the night that something had come up. When I brought it up to him, I'd get into trouble and told "This is why I don't make plans with you. You always think there is something else going on. I had this to take care of. I was tired. I went to sleep" I would have no idea that what he was doing was worse than sleeping around. The times he was gone he was out, he was hunting. Like a predator stalking his prey. He was finding someone that he could take his much-needed aggression out on, and I am sad to say that person would never be seen again. Whatever he did with them after he was finished to this day I will never know. He has never come forward with the details of every instance and where he hid those poor defenseless girls bodies.

I never looked hard into his reasoning for not showing up after that night, I was always forgiving to them. I learned that in those moments of fear and sadness for, yet another broken promise alcohol was my go-to. It was my saving grace. Night after night just me and that bottle of wine on the couch where we had slept together many times. His scent on the clinging to the fabric as if he were right there with me. I would find myself holding the blanket I bought for him because it was all I had to hold close while he was off doing God knows what with God knows who. I would spend my nights on that couch, crying, intoxicated and needing him near me. Desiring to have him come home and touch me. I wanted to hear him tell me how much he missed me and how much he needed me. I never to this day understand why I needed him to want me. It was sick when you think about it.

After those broken promises we would always have an argument over the phone, and he would even go as far to make comments about me during some of the arguments we would have in the past. Told me I was too agreeable, and to someone like him who had gotten out of an abusive relationship it was 'New' to him to have someone who was as accepting and understanding. It was different and he did not know how to handle it, but in the same instance he would tell me there was so much sexual chemistry between us and how he is so attracted to me, and he would be stupid to not sleep with me as often as he can. I would not have known that he was building me up to be the biggest prey of all. He would hunt me down to the ends of the Earth and destroy every detail of my life.

I ended up spending 8 months trying to fix what I thought someone else had broken. I showered him with gifts and the most forgiving love that he deserved. I held him as often as he let me and never once asked for anything in return for it. My love was not delicate, because I knew that is what he needed. I would have spent another 3 years scared of him knowing that he would hunt me down and hurt me if I ever left him.

Right about now you are wondering why I would stay in this kind of a situation if these things were going on. If he was so hurtful and cruel in the beginning, why stay. That is what you do when you love someone. You glorify their achievements and share in the bad times. For me I had taken myself down as far as you could go to be with him. I had reached into the darkest parts of myself to be able to connect with him and be what and who he needed. I had used the last of my light to keep his light going. For you to get a better idea of this, I must start from the beginning. Back to when I first walked through the doors of that god forsaken job that would soon be known as the worst times of my life. Here you will learn how I just barely escaped with my life and how I did not become one of the girls who didn't get the live their life in their 30s raising their kids in a new home.