All Men are Ghosts

er Plosive. Where his family came from, or where they got their outlandish name, I know not. From its rarity I infer that the Plosive

e," which the signboard interpreted by a picture of a large retriever in precipitate flight with a tin ladle tied to his tail. The

sive senior must have foreseen what would happen. No sooner, of course, was the name William X. Plosive seen on the outside of the poor boy's copy-books

silence of the dormitory in the dead of night. With them we relieved our pent-up feelings in hours of tedium or of gloom. Introduced pianissimo, they profaned the daily half-hour devoted to the study of Divinity. Innumerable impositions followed

ht. As a place to observe the workings of telepathy I know of no spot on earth to compare with the dormitory of a boarding-school. The atmosphere of our dormitory was, if I may say s

are yo

knew y

l we

to, ev

have that beastly puddin

what I want t

se puddings. They boil them in the copper of the outhouse, and the

wake?-All right. Well, we'll sneak into the outhouse to-morrow when the cook i

I was going to say to you. B

garden fork and jab it into the puddi

that. We'll get in before t

t I was just going to," said

here of great designs. We were like two young trees planted side by side on a breezy hill-top. Our roots were in the same soil; our branches swayed to the same rhythm; we heard the same secrets from the whispering winds. We were always on the heights. Few were the days of our companionship when we were not infatuated about something or other; and

; I begged them from passengers as they alighted from the cars; I picked them up in the street; and I had over seven thousand collected in a box.

s an absent-minded boy, and many a clout on the head did he receive at this time for paying no attention to what was going on in class. Little did the master know what Billy was thinking of as he stared at the wall before him with his great, dreamy eyes-and not for ten thousand worlds would Billy have told him. He was thinking about the weight of the planets, and the prob

ed somebody; and the answer came,

rkness that oppressed him had been blown away in the explosion. About the same ti

tale, and unprofitable. Conversation flagged, or became provocative of irritable rejoinders. "I say, what are you going to do with all those tramcar tickets?"

us of our condition. But the Powers-that-be were maturing their preparations, a

iring in the Park. On passing down a certain walk, shaded by planes, we noticed a very old gentleman seated in a bath-chair which had been wheeled under the shadow of one of the trees. He sat in the chair with his head bent for

t what we saw. We just stared without thinking, but even at this long distance I can remember a vague emotion that stirred me, as though I had suddenly heard the wings of time beating ov

lutched my arm-he had

et's go up to him and ask

her the old man nor his companion had noticed us, and it was not until we had both stopped in fro

Billy, "would you mind

stened, as though he heard himself summoned from a far point in space; and his eyes wandered vague

e had the mouth of them that are born to speak good things; and about his brow there played a light which made you dream of high Olympus and o

almost seemed as if, for a moment, youth returned to him, or as if

fellow-ninety-one last birthday; which I should think is not more than eighty years older than you, my little man. So I've plenty of ti

said Billy, ignoring the quantitative fo

e had passed on, I looked back and saw that he was ta

of hearing. "I've found out something. It does old gen

la worked with wonderful success. It provoked smiles and kind words; it pleased the old gentlemen; it did them good. Old hands were laid on young shoulders; old faces lit up; old watches were pulled out of old pockets. One was a marvel with a long inscription on the gold back of it. And the old gentleman sh

with our calling and devoted to our formula. The star-books were bundled int

mission to old gentlemen was ours. Who would have believed there were so many of them? They seemed to spring into existence, to gather themselves from the four quarters of the earth, in order that they might re

or four weeks. But a s

day when it seemed good that some independence of action should be

n the intervals of his reading he would be talking to himself. He would read for half a minute and then, whipping the newspaper behind his back, begin to declaim, as though he were making a speech, quickenin

Lords, I will not, join in congratulating the government on the disgrace into which they have brought the country." I recall these words because they resembled something in a speech of Chatham's w

a professional magician I was flouted, and my calling dishonoured. And, worst of all, the magic had broken dow

Billy, whom finding presently I informe

y to the old bea

please, sir, what

mind telling me the time?' he'd have gone down like a ninepin. Only cads say 'what

resumed on its old basis, with Billy as the

ld certainly have failed to carry me through. But with Billy at my side I was never afraid of anything either then or afterwards. O Billy, if only you had been with me-then-and then-if only I had felt your presence when the great waters went over me, if only I could have seen your tilted

and never called by any other name, failed to appear. But at last we caught sight of h

and marched steadily to meet him. On he came, and as he drew near, down went the newspaper, and, as though he were spitting poison, he hissed out from between his teeth a fearful sen

ly in his singing voice, "woul

ered his fierce old eyes and encountered the g

e countenance of any human being. I really think the old fellow suffered a physical shock, for he stepped back two paces and looked for a moment like one who has been seriously hurt. Th

ple of young rascals. What are your names, and how old are you

re was an interlude. For Billy had to explain, in succession, that he had no father, and no mother, and no b

man, "that's very sad-very sad indee

ly. "He's very good to me and has

u plenty of p

answer

ruminated, and the

an unhappy boy?"

t," answe

ld be very sorry to learn you were unhappy. I h

," repea

y that. I was well used to being overlooked when Billy was with me, and never questioned for a

u asked me just

would mind tell

t you want? You said 'the time' not 'time.' For you must know, my d

distinction just drawn by the old gentleman; disgusted at being addressed as "my d

, if you please,"

of it?" said th

we only want the bit of

hat?" said our

we want to know,

ary debater one day, my boy," he said, "but the bit of time that's g

your watch can d

d that reminds me that you two young scamps have made me late for an appointment. Now be good boys, both of you; and don't forge

pondered nothing in those days, but serenely conscious of triumph

" said Bill

!" I an

d him

the

beat

the

ed by the Park-keeper,

said, "and who have you bee

leman whose figure was sti

"Well, bless your rascal imp

N

he's L

stinguished member of the Cabinet w

on of that mighty name? Did we cove

asked him," said Bi

ld meet the Pope. He's jolly old, an

as we know, was a Roman Catholic. "He ain't half as miserabl

or of Germany

you what! I wish we could meet God! He's a jolly sight older than the Pope, or the Archbishop of Canterbury,

miserable,"

n't-sometimes? It woul

of the boldness which prompted the explosions of Billy, an

with those half-so

Billy, "they'

ll he

istening, you bet. Never s

re we to do

put a cross on eac

nknives we scratched a cross on the cheek

rked wonders. It has brought me good luck. In return I have hedged the coins with sa

. We were beneficent magicians. Had we been older, a vast prospect of social regeneration would have opened before us. But all we knew at the time was that we possess

g old. This led on to further extensions. We agreed, first, that anyone who looked "miserable" should have the benefit of our formula; next, that all limitations whatsoever, save one, should be withdrawn, and the formula allowed a universal application. The outstanding limitation was that nobody should be asked the question until he had been previously viewed by Billy, who was a psychologist, and pronounced by him to be "the right sort." What constituted the "right sort

od we had done him. "It so happened," said he, "that just before I met you boys, that day, I had been speculating heavily on the Stock Exchange and had had a run of infernal bad luck. But the moment that little chap with the

names worthy of being recorded? Perhaps not. But a few specimens will do no harm and may incidentally serve to reveal the scope and catholicity of our operations. One of these books is before

y-soul, Old Chronometer, Miss No-watch, Dr Beard, Lord Splutters, Aurora, Mrs Proud, Polly Sniggers, Diamond Pin, Cigar, Cuttyperoozle, Jim, Alfred Dear! Mr