The Ugly Secret

Looking back, the first time I saw her, I think I knew we were going to fall in love.

There's just something about Sarah...

The wicked glint in her eyes when she laughs. The way she tilts her head and smiles knowingly. Her hips sway when she walks. Her eyes seem to bore right through you. When she talks, you are the most important person in the world to her. She's the sexiest person in any room and she knows it.

It took me a while to realise what it was, but I was irrevocably smitten. Maybe it was because I was young and impressionable. Maybe I was in an "experimental" stage of my life. Or maybe Sarah was that person who comes along once in your lifetime and if you don't grab her right then, you'll regret it forever.

I had just moved to the beach after graduating from college. My uncle knew a guy who got me a job working for a buddy of his as the office manager for a warehouse. I didn't know a soul in the town, but I wanted to live anywhere but Po-dunk, USA, and that was the first job opportunity I got.

It was me and forty guys who worked at the local adult beverage distributor. They were a little crude and-shall we say-"unrefined", but they were all basically good guys. Most of the time, they tried not to tell sexist jokes around me and usually didn't burp or fart in my presence, but they didn't always remember.

Being the new person (and only teen), I was subjected to a lot of good-natured hazing, but pretty soon, I was just one of the guys. It helped that I liked football and could cuss up a bluestreak with the best of them. I also didn't tolerate their bullshit, and I could dish out as much as I could take.

Still, some days, I longed for some young boys company rathen than older guys. The warehouse was next to a strip mall that had a doctor's office, a mom-and-pop Chinese restaurant and the local branch of a large bank in it. It turned out that a teller and a medical technician had the same lunch time as me and after meeting fairly frequently over the lunch buffet, pretty soon we were hanging out together after work.

ALexander was seeing a girl and Christopher was single. I had broken up with my grilfriend near the end of my senior year. We had gone out for about two years, but she never exhibited a lot of drive. She seemed to be on the six (or eight) year plan and was content to take all the classes he could as long as his parents were paying.

She was pretty, but she not having any ambition led to a lot of resentment in me which led to simmering anger which led to poor communication which led to her not being able to keep her fingers in her skirts . I dumped her sorry ass and never looked back. I wonder now why I put up with her shit for so long.

Anyway, a couple of nights a week Alexander ,Christopher and I started going out for drinks and hanging out. Sometimes, Alexander's girlfriend would join us; other times she had to work late or we had a boy's night out. I dated around a little bit, but I wanted to be single for a while and enjoy being 22 before I did the spouse and family thing that I thought everyone expected of me.

One night, Alexander girlfriend Caroline brought her friend Sarah along with her. She was a few years older than the rest of us and was a financial planner at the bank where Alexander worked.

I remember thinking how pretty she was. Sarah went to college on a softball scholarship and was tall, with a firm, muscular build, dark hair and perfect skin. She was the kind of girl that made everyone around her go "Dayum!"

Sarah also had an air of supreme confidence about her. I think that's what attracted me to her. She seemed to know herself. I didn't know what I wanted out of life. I didn't have a plan for tomorrow, much less for 10 years. Hell, I was just happy to have a college diploma and a job that would make my rent, student loan payments and leave me just enough to go out a couple of nights a week.

The four of us went to a local seafood restaurant for dinner and then downtown to the boardwalk for drinks and dancing. Saraha was nice and friendly. She's the kind of person that doesn't know any strangers. I ended up sitting next to her and we talked all night, mostly about work and other inconsequential stuff. She drew me out immediately.

We stayed out until close to midnight, but since it was a work night, we couldn't stay out too late, so we promised to all go out again.

As Alexander and I were walking back to his car, for some reason I turned over my shoulder to get one last glimpse of Sarah, who waved. I reflexively waved back.

"You know she's a hottie , right?" Alexander said.

"I think she likes you," my friend said with a wink, and I couldn't tell if he was joking or not.

In hindsight, that certainly explained why some of the things Sarah had said to me earlier might have sounded like a little more than conversation just between friends.

What it didn't explain was why my pulse raced when I saw her smile and my heart pounded faster.

The four of us continued to go out a couple of times a week. After a few months, I was settled into my job and felt fairly comfortable around town.

Sarah and I became close friends; I never got the feeling that she was hitting on me, but nor could I ignore the fact that there always seemed to be a sort of tension between us.

When our eyes would meet, for the briefest second there was just the two of us; the rest of the world faded away. She would smile at me, as if she knew something I didn't. Then I'd blink and look away, embarrassed.

This went on for a month or so until my birthday, which happened to fall on a Saturday night.

I was turning 23 and the boys took me out for an all-night bender. It started at my place when they came to pick me up. One of the advantages of working for a liquor distributor is that there is never a shortage of booze. Somehow, the inventory is always off by a bottle or two and no one ever seems to know where it went...

Christopher and I were hanging out trying to decide if we wanted to party with our friend Jacob or our other friend The Captain when Caroline and Sarah showed up. After some friendly discussion, someone opened the Cuervo and the night began.

Things were fine for the first two hours and then my memory gets blurry. We went to dinner at P.F. Chang's. There was some more liquor involved, followed by dinner and some singing by the servers. Then we went out to the clubs. Alexander, Christopher and I got pretty hammered while Sarah took lots of incriminating pictures and babysat us. Someone needed to be our designated driver, after all.

In the midst of the tequila-induced haze, I have one lucid memory of that night.

We were at one of our favourite places. I was humping and grinding on anything that moved. Apparently it made me very popular with the guys there (and a couple of the girls, too).

Alexander had her backside stuck out and was shaking it suggestively towards me. I was making a big show out of smacking her playfully for everyone to see.

Turning over my shoulder, I saw Sarah dancing near us with an amused smile on her face. I don't know what came over me, but I reached out and pulled her to me.

Before she could react, I stuck my tongue into her mouth. I'm sure it was wonderful for her. Here I was-drunk out of my mind, smelling of smoke and too much perfume, tasting of tequila and God only knows what else-trying to make out with her.

Very romantic, don't you think?

I remember her eyes getting real big for just a second, then she pulled back and, for the first time I could recall, Sarah appeared to be at a loss for words or what to do.

With a drunken laugh, I turned back to Alexander and we continued to dance, but I remember Sarah standing there for a long moment, as if she was wondering what signal I was sending.

The boys later told me the night ended when the bars closed. I have to take their word for it. The next morning was ugly. I hadn't had a night like that since college. Granted that wasn't too long ago, but still, you'd think that I'd have learned my lesson after the last time. Or two.

I woke up with a splitting headache. You know the kind: It's where you spend the next three hours puking your guts out, all the while saying to yourself (repeat after me), "Dear God, I promise I will never drink that much again ... if You will only make the throbbing go away and the room stop spinning. Amen."

Thankfully, wherever I had ended up, someone had the good sense to draw the curtains closed and the neighbours were mercifully quiet. That could only mean I was no where near my apartment. After all, the kids on the other side of my bedroom wall were always up at 7 am and raising hell by 7:15. The superintendent liked to mow the lawn early in the morning, and I had (unfortunately) gotten a unit that was near the pool, which on a nice summer day was usually busy and crawling with urchin children from Hell.

Trying not to upset my internal equilibrium, I looked around the room for a clock. It was a little after noon. I moaned and rubbed my temples.

It took me a few minutes until I could bring myself to sit up. I let out a stream of unladylike curses under my breath and willed myself not to throw up on the very nice duvet.

Someone had changed me out of my clothes and into a long nightshirt. Underneath, my boxers were on. I brushed my hair out of my eyes and then looked around (but not too quickly) to see where I was.

I didn't immediately recognise anything. There was a picture of two people about my uncle's age next to the clock radio. A couple of paintings hung from the walls. A solid oak dresser and nightstand matched the very nice (and probably expensive) headboard.

There were three doors in the room. I stumbled towards one of them and fumbled with the handle. It opened into a hallway. The sunlight coming from an open window hit me and I recoiled back into the bedroom. I tried door number two.

It was the one I was looking for: the bathroom.