LOVE AND HATE

I was born into an extremely religious and strict family. With an evangelical-traditional background, everyone has always played an active role in the church. I... never knew what I was exactly to be quite honest, I tried to follow the standards imposed by them, but I felt out of place most of the time. I have several psychological problems developed from the oppression and social pressure I suffer to be the perfect family doll.

Hello! I'm Aurora and this is my story, so I'll let you know that it won't end the way I wanted it to end and you'll see why and maybe you'll prove me right... or maybe not.

***

I remember exactly when I saw him for the first time. I was about 6 years old, and I was coming from SBS with my mother. For those who don't know, SBS means Sunday Bible School – and it happens on Sunday mornings.He was with his mother at the time. I vaguely remember that my mother stopped on the way to say hello to his mother, both were known to each other, she was riding a horse and he was riding a smaller one. He should have been at the base of about 7 for 8 years old around. But I remember that I thought he was the most handsome boy I ever laid my childish eyes on. He was beautiful, he had big and straight hair that reached his shoulders, eyes mixed with a greenish dry plant color. However, I found him a little 'stuck up' but I ignored that fact because he really was very handsome. He was dressed in cowboy clothes.The years passed and from time to time I saw him passing by in the distance or even when I was with friends, but he never noticed me. In fact, no one... I was a strange person and thought I was ugly... but that's a story for later. We were entering the teenage phase. I was hanging out with four other friends, and I remember that he had become interested in one of them. She was too: white in color, hair straight past her shoulders. Her name was Rebecca. He kept sending her messages expressing his interest. She, however, didn't want him.At my young age I looked at him with indifference. In fact, I didn't see any fun at all... Either that was what I was trying to convince myself of, or, in fact, I already had a crush on him and wouldn't give up. Because he didn't want to be like the other girls who saw him and were dazzled: for God's sake!!! He was just a pretty-faced boy who thought he was too much! Of course, there was no way I could deny that he was handsome. But I still thought it was pretty stupid the way the girls treated him.I had a lot of problems dealing with my self-esteem. In fact, I never paid attention to anyone or didn't want to because of countless fears: fear of being rejected because I wasn't pretty, or fear of suffering like my father did with my mother. I was indifferent to boys. I was always bullied even by one of the girls who claimed to be my ''friend'': she wanted to be the ‘queen bee’ of the group and wanted to make us maids. All the boys fell in love with her and if one dared to look at one of us (like myself), because - let's not forget - I was considered the ''fiona” of the group, she thought it was absurd, and it was even reasons for gossip, the It still made me feel bad and embarrassed. Going back to the script again.... never after 4th grade had I seen this boy. Years passed and Rebeca, one of my friends, moved away from the small town in the interior of São Paulo state. I moved out of high school and believe me... it was the best thing I ever did. I found out too late that what I considered ''friendship” was actually a fake illusion: that was a toxic friendship.

***

And we arrived in seventh grade (however, he was in eighth grade). And, as always, the reason the girls were crazy: all they had to do was look at him and they were all crazy. It was ridiculous, tremendously ridiculous! I even avoided paying attention, but I must admit that it was kind of difficult for him to escape me, he had presence just by being in any environment, always with the same long hair. He was always in my room, he had friends there. There is! that same year, one of my friends, yeah roll your eyes and get ready! Her name was Fabiana, she was crazy, psychopathic for him. She used to say that he was the cutest boy in the entire school. I didn't disagree in my mind, but I rolled my eyes at her whenever I saw him and kept calling him the love of her life. The day she managed to ''almost'' stay with him (but it didn't happen!) I felt such an absurd relief that I felt bad afterward for having felt that way.

***

The following year, I had a horrible attack of anxiety, depression and panic disorder. It was the worst year of my life; I thought I was going to die. My soul was sad and gloomy, I felt like the real ‘ugly duckling’. I'm a black girl, fat, curly hair (that I hated even more because I wasn't big), I always did Brazilian Blowout which made the condition and look even worse, otherwise I wore organic braids to try to ''slow down'' a bit of my appearance, not to mention that I wore braces because I had gaps in my teeth. It was terrifying! like 2 teeth could fit in there and I'm not kidding! Anyway. I was a born nerd, I even got a certificate of best student for being diligent, which caused me even more bullying by my classmates. When I got home, I hid to cry. I felt destroyed and unmotivated. However, in 2010, anxiety affected my emotions so much that my grades went downhill, and I ended up failing my Biology recovery course. Guess who arrives to take the recovery test??? Yes, that's him! I remember like it was yesterday, he arrived late with the biggest ‘poker face’ in the world when I was about to hand my test to the teacher. I was in the third row and he sat at the back, in the last place, but he looked a little strange than the times I had seen him before: his eyes were red and sad, his smile was always forced and cynical, in contrast to the aura of a little prince than he boasted before, something about him had changed and it wasn't nice the impression it gave me. However, he was still handsome. Not to mention the fact that he had stuck to wearing a baseball cap half-covering his shoulder-length hair.

***

2011I was still recovering from depression, but I always had some relapses that I tried to hide from everyone around me because I didn't want to worry my family, not to mention that I lost a lot of weight.It was the beginning of the year, and I was freaking out, I needed something to take my attention away from my problems. Because of the low grades, I ended up staying extended time in two subjects: Portuguese and Mathematics. I studied in the afternoon and at night and it sucked! Luckily (or unluckily, I can't say!) One of my friends was studying with me, but she didn't want anything-with-anything, she was always looking for new boyfriends.On that day, I argued with my mother about something I don't remember but I was extremely irritated with everything: with me, with her, with the situation I was in..... I just wanted to be someone else, to be in another mind and not be 'me' for just a moment.I had arrived at school at night and Cristina came to meet me at the door as usual.''Aurora, do you know who Josh is?''''Josh? I craned my neck looking at her with narrowed eyes. There was only one person I knew who had that name.''''Yes. A cute yellow one, he told me to get him a brunette, I'm going to hook up with his friend, you don't want to hook up with him, do you? Please! I'm really into his friend and it's only going to happen if I have company.''She put her hands in front of her face, imploring me to go.I rolled my eyes.I thought about saying no, but I was so angry that I didn't want to know anything anymore.''All right, I'm up.''''Hey, my friend!! How wonderful! Wait a minute, I'll send him a message here.''I watched her text him while I thought if I really was making the right decision. What if I was rushing? However, something in me wanted new adventures, I wanted to disconnect from myself and my emotional problems at least once in my life.When we left, he picked us up in front of the school. In fact, when he arrived, I almost fell over backwards!It really was him.I thought it was him when she said the name, I just wasn't sure, but here I was seeing it with my own eyes.He was wearing shorts and a T-shirt. Skinny, but as handsome as I remembered, but with those beautiful eyes that were dry and lifeless green. I felt a shiver down my spine and to this day I can't name whether that was good or bad.Josh looked me up and down with a cynical tight-lipped smile, then I remembered earlier that I'd bumped into him in the hallways at school, and he'd walked towards me on purpose.I raised my eyebrows at him, of course...wearing the same nonchalant expression I used to wear whenever he was around. But my heart was almost out of my mouth! As I was very proud, I tried to mask it.''Who goes first? '' He asked looking from one to the other, he was on a motorcycle.I looked at Cristina, she must have understood that I wouldn't even go first (to god knows where!).''I'll go first '' She said already going to ride on the back.Josh looked at me and said '' Come on and I'll catch you halfway.''I just waved as I watched them disappear into the dark with only a few cracks of lights on, as the poles had burnt out bulbs. I really considered to chicken out, the urge to turn around and give up was great and today I really regret not having done that, as it would have avoided many future problems. He caught me halfway, just like he said, and as I felt the wind hit my face, I actually felt alive for the first time. So, for that, I went ahead.When I got there, I knew it was his house. I walked in a little wary and cautious, as soon as I set foot in the room, my friend was making out with that ''little guy'', wow, the embarrassment was imminent! I started debating what the hell I was getting myself into, but I still went on ahead, with regret bordering the surface.