You can have me

Anvi

Maybe I have always been an introvert, that's why nobody thinks I could achieve great things. Or maybe because I do not have the best of health, my parents do not trust me to take care of myself. I have not known how to be independent yet because I have grown up in a cocoon. My parents have always cherished me and kept me in a bubble, safe from the outside world. But there are things that they don't know about me, they don't know I was bullied, they don't know I have anxiety issues and I have been on medication for a few years. I don't think I have the courage to tell them either, not because they wouldn't understand but because they would blame themselves for my miseries. Because of my closed up nature, I have never been able to tell them what I want in life and if I do tell them, I never fought with them fiercely for my dreams. And that is the reason my dreams remained unfulfilled. I got a job in a job in a multi-national company on a biggie post and quite a good salary but I couldn't persuade my parents to let me go make my own nest. I thought I was making them proud but apparently, it was not the case. I wish I had the courage to stand for myself, for my dreams. I wish I could tell them that I know you guys love me but just trust me this one time.

So when they said NO to me, my inner voice yelled at me and asked me to say something but in the end, nothing came out of my mouth.

If someone looked at me now, they'd not be able to judge how miserable I was feeling from inside because I disguised my emotions well. I have mastered the art of perfecting a smile over the years; a smile that ensured everyone that there wasn't anything wrong with me even when there was a massive storm brewing inside my mind.

My parents kept looking at me with hopeful eyes, waiting for my answer. I ran a couple of responses in my head to explain my feelings to them and I thought I would say, Papa, I am sorry but I am not okay with your decision. I want to do this job and you will have to support me in this.

But instead, I heard myself saying, "It's perfectly alright, papa. Jobs come and go. It was just some company anyway. I can get a job nearby. Don't worry." They both immediately sighed in relief after hearing my response. For the past 15 minutes, they had been trying to make me understand that it wasn't safe for a girl to work in a gigantic city like Delhi.

I didn't want to disappoint them but I really wished they would stop disappointing me every time with their silly excuses. If we would just keep fearing for our safety, we won't be able to survive at all.

"Okay, I know you don't want my influence to get a job. But since you are not interested to work with me and your brother, I can talk to my friend and you can join his company. It is related to your area of expertise." Papa asked a little bit hesitantly. At least he knew I didn't want his influence for a job.

"No, papa. I won't let you put in a reference for me anywhere. I will never be able to do a job peacefully which I didn't get by myself. I will find a job on my own." I said as calmly as I could because I was getting mad.

I didn't need anyone's influence to get a job. I never wanted it. I knew I was capable enough to get a job on my own and I proved that too but it didn't matter anymore.

"Okay, as you say. I hope you understand me, Anvi. I am your father, I will never do anything against you. It is for your good only." He said to me with sad but hopeful eyes.

"It's okay, papa. I understand your point. Don't stress over it. I will be fine after some time." I smiled lightly at him and went back to my room.

As soon as I reached my room, I locked the door; curled up in a corner and started to cry silently. This is me; I never voice my opinions, I never rebel or raise my voice for myself. I happened to be the most pathetic human being ever. I couldn't hurt my parent's feelings even if it was at the cost of my own dreams.

My life is practically a joke, even I have become a joke over time. They say when life gives you lemons, make lemonade out of it. But what if the lemons are too hard to squeeze? The lemons in my life are not squeezing at all. I always knew my father would never allow me to do a job at a place that was like ten hours away from our place and I wouldn't be able to convince them to move out but still, I did the stupidity of giving the interview to Rayson's, which was in Delhi, miles away from our small city. It's not like there was no job available here but that was my dream workplace.

I felt so stupid. It is not my parent's mistake because they cleared their intentions to me when I joined college. It is all on me because I broke my dreams myself. If I hadn't expected too much, I wouldn't have been the one left hurting at the end. My father is a proud and loving man. He has seen so much in life, went through so many hardships to be what he is today. He was raised in a middle-class family with minimal income and yet he studied hard and landed a government job on his own. Even after retirement, he didn't stop working, he opened a restaurant when no one was ready to support him, just so he could build a better future for us. My brother had always been interested in being a restaurateur so my father completely supported his ambitions. Today, our restaurant has multiple chains and the same people who never supported my father are always begging for his attention. He achieved everything in life without taking favours from anyone. He has always made it a point to tell us how much he loved us so that we never forget it. And I have never doubted his love for me but it's just his overprotection that gets too much sometimes. On the other hand, my beautiful mother is a housewife. She was a teacher in the initial years of their marriage but after giving birth to my elder brother, she left her job and devoted herself to both mine and my brother's upbringing. My parents have sacrificed so many things for us, to fulfil our dreams. I just wanted to do at least half of what they did. I am proud to be their daughter and I just want them to be proud of me as well. Sometimes, they just forget that they might be crushing my dreams underneath their overprotective nature. They always treat me like I am a naive, fragile daughter of theirs. I don't think they will be able to change this notion of theirs.

I cried like a baby thinking about my shattered dreams. When my sister-in-law (bhabhi) came from work, she came knocking at my door. I immediately rushed to the washroom and washed my face. I wiped my eyes frantically to remove the traces of any tears in them. I didn't want her to worry about me.

"A minute please, bhabhi. I am in the washroom." I shouted from inside.

Before opening the door, I exhaled loudly trying to appear as relaxed as possible. I opened the door for her and plastered a big smile on my face.

"Hey, bhabhi. What happened? Why are you so eager? You just came from college and already started torturing your sister-in-law. Seems like torturing your students wasn't enough, huh?" I said chuckling, trying to act funny. "Ms Anvi Bansal, if you think you can fool me easily then I am sorry, you are highly mistaken," Bhabhi said keeping her hands on her waist in an intimidating gesture. I smiled at her nervously. She pulled me into her arms and hugged me warmly, no questions asked. "You can't be strong all the time, Khushu." Her words were enough for me to break down all over again. "Am I so bad, bhabhi? God hates me so much. What have I ever done wrong? I want to do this job badly, bhabhi. It's my dream. Why is my fate so cruel to me?" I sobbed in her arms. "Who said you are bad, huh? You are not bad, it's just that this situation is bad. I am so sorry, Khushu. It's going to be okay." She consoled me by caressing my back.

Bhai (brother) and bhabhi are the two most important people in my life. They both have supported me in ways, no one else has ever done. They were there for me through every dark phase I went through.

I have never seen two people, other than my parents, love each other so much as they both do. Bhai and bhabhi met through an arranged marriage set up a year and a half ago, they were not in love when they got married but today, they can't even dream of living without each other. They are truly the definition of 'made for each other'.

Within the few days of their marriage, bhabhi started treating me like bhai did, like a child. She made me special in her life, she became my strength, my best friend, my soul sister, the only person after bhai who understood me so much. She has seen so much in her life but never for once, she let it affect her heart. She remained a pure soul amidst all the hardships she endured.

"You know what, I will talk to papa about your job. Both Ashish and I are going to talk to him. Papa never refuses me anything." She said keeping her palms on my face and wiping my tears lovingly.

"No, bhabhi please don't. They will be hurt. I can live with this. Please don't tell them. They will think that their daughter does not understand them. Please just let them think that I am happy. Please." I pleaded with her and she nodded with a pitiful face.

"Why do you always think about everyone so much? Live your life a little at least. Why don't you ever voice your opinion in front of them? They won't say anything, they will understand. They love you with all their heart." She tried to make me understand but I didn't budge.

"Ok, fine. I won't tell them, just don't be sad. I don't like seeing you sad. If Ashish gets to know, he will be very upset." I nodded my head and wiped my eyes. She left my room sighing in defeat at my stubbornness.

Please God, I know I may not be your favourite child, but please do a miracle and let me fulfil my dreams. Just for once, Please. I knew everything was over and I was not getting to do that job anymore but somewhere deep, there was this little hope in my heart that a miracle might happen. After all, all my life I have waited for miracles only.

_____

It had been a week since I had the job conversation with my father, everything remained just the same. My routine followed the same every day. I got up, ate breakfast, faked a smile, read books, ate lunch, faked a laugh, watched movies I already watched a thousand times before, ate my dinner and slept again. One or two days, I even went to my family's restaurant to pass time. My parents were trying hard to make me laugh and smile. They knew I was upset but they still wouldn't leave their overprotection.

It was just a regular day, everyone was home early. After freshening up, Papa called me to the living room to discuss something. He had this habit of taking all the major decisions of the family after discussing it with all of us, which I loved about him. As I went outside, I saw mum, bhai and bhabhi waiting too.

"Anvi, I want to discuss something really important with you." He said to me in a serious tone. I nodded at him and sat attentively. Maybe he was going to say yes to my job. I smiled inwardly.

"Umm, where to start?" He hesitated a bit. Seeing his hesitation, I was getting nervous now.

"What is it, Papa?" I asked encouraging him to say because I was starting to feel uneasy with it.

"Okay, so someone has suggested a marriage alliance for you. It is from a very good family. We wanted to know your opinion before calling them on Sunday for an official meeting." I looked at him with wide eyes and my insides churned. My marriage??? Where did that come from?

"Well." He was desperately awaiting my response.

"I..I..." I tried to say something but nothing was coming out of my mouth. I was completely frozen. I looked at bhai for support but he had the same blank expression as mine.

"Papa, she is just 22 years old. I don't want her to be married this early. She has a bright career ahead of her." Bhai finally spoke after recovering from his initial shock.

"Ashish, you are not understanding. The family is extremely good. I have heard nothing but praises of them. They are affluent, sophisticated and I think they would love our Anvi. Most importantly they live in Delhi. If Anvi wants, she can do the job after marriage." My father had a hopeful glint in his eyes.

Are you kidding me? This is an excuse to marry me off. Great just great. If I marry a guy, only then do I get to do a job.

"This is not right papa. Just because the guy is from Delhi, you will get Khushu married. Please, papa, she is so young. It's too early." Bhabhi also spoke to back me up.

"Come on you guys, the one we are talking about should also give her opinion. Anvi, what do you have to say about it?" Papa asked looking at me. Bhai and bhabhi looked at me and gestured me to say NO. I didn't know what to tell them. I just kept quiet for a few minutes still in my thoughts.

"I don't know. Do whatever you guys think is right for me." I finally said after some time of silence. Bhai and bhabhi sighed in defeat while my parents looked happy with my answer.

"Great, so we are inviting their family on Sunday for lunch. You can meet the guy then. We won't force you. It is going to be completely your decision regarding the guy and his family. I promise we will say yes only if you are ready. And we won't bring any other alliance talk with you after this until you are ready. Just meet this one family." I nodded at him and smiled. I then went to my room and bhai followed after me.

"Why would you say that? You are just twenty-two, for God's sake. Just for once, you could have said no. Why are you so difficult, Khushu?" Bhai yelled at me in frustration.

"Correction. I am turning twenty-three this year." He narrowed his eyes at me. I puffed my cheeks.

"Fine. I think there is nothing wrong with meeting the guy and his family. Papa said that they will never go ahead with it if I don't approve of him. They were so happy bhai; let them be happy. I promise you will be the first one to know if I don't like them. And if I refuse, Papa won't bring my marriage until I say so. Think about it." "When did you become so mature and selfless? You always think about everyone. When are you going to start thinking about yourself?" "When you love your family so much, then you don't need to think about anything else. And don't worry, I am not sad. I am happy if all of you are happy. And you don't know, there is my benefit in this. What if the guy turns out to be some hotshot, my life is completely set then? I will have my first official relationship with him. Yay!!! " I teased him playfully. "You are impossible, you know that? You can find positivity in anything. Mad girl." Bhai chuckled and whacked my forehead lightly. We both laughed and hugged each other.

"I love you, bhai. And I am sorry for being like this but I can't help it." "I know. I am sorry for yelling at you. I love you. You are my baby and I don't want to see you unhappy. Promise me, you will not just say yes to the marriage to make mom and dad happy. Please." He extended his hand to me. "I promise." I placed my hand in his and we both smiled. He left me alone after kissing my forehead.