Don t Say You Love Me

Today is Tuesday, November 1, 2022. I am leaving San Juan de Las Galdonas for the first time in many years. I carry in my heart the certainty that I will reach my destination safely. What worries me is what awaits me in Margarita, no matter how much she tells me that everything is resolved. That's what my father's friend told me, I will receive payment and buy a ticket to study in Europe. What I dreamed of since I was a child.

I approach the pier with a suitcase full of clothes, which weigh as much as the sadness I carry in my heart. I walk slowly while looking for the boat. There is only one boat ready to set sail. I make sure to see if it's the right boat. The name “Sirio” in blue letters stands out on the sports boat. So I go over there and say good morning to the nice sailor. I only see one man on board, in very nice sportswear, who, when he sees me, says:

—Come on, Mila, hurry up! —, greeting gracefully.

—You know my name. What is your name?

—Don't worry, you're safe. Come now, we have to leave as quickly as possible.

I hurry, being very careful not to slip. I unpack my luggage and grab the wood.

"There! I'm all yours", I say, with as much cheek as I could muster, without adding anything else.

Too focused to make any comment, he walks along the docks to set sail. I'll be away from the city for a long time and I already feel like I'm going to miss it a lot.

My gaze is fixed on the surroundings, as if I were saying goodbye to each of my memories on the paradisiacal coast. I see the seagulls that fly close to the boats and other species that live in harmony. I know the ocean and its risks well. My father is a fisherman and I grew up surrounded by nets and fish, by the sea.

As the boat progresses, I appreciate the beauty of the place. If everything goes well, I will leave the country very soon. My life will change forever when I arrive in my homeland, Spain.

The silence is interrupted by the noise of the engine and some birds that watched us as we passed. My mother's memory accompanies me and I repeat each of her words.

The current is so impressive that I wouldn't want to fall in, I wouldn't be able to swim to the beach. Salt water splashes in my face on fast rides. The boatman knows the way well. However, one or two jumps that the boat makes causes it to stop to observe the load. A kind of packages stacked near the cabin deserve your constant attention. Nothing is here yet, it's a constant coming and going. I didn't see what was there because he didn't let me get down. He left me watching to make sure no one came near the boat.

As soon as the silence starts to get uncomfortable, I say:

—I want to smoke, will you come with me? —And I take a good joint—They don't tell me anything at home, I'm 18 years old. I also brought food, let's rest.

My lies have already started, I promised myself to create a facade personality and I started. I must stop being the fool I always was and pretend what suits me.

—Since how old have you been smoking? Aren't you very girly?

A little serious, it might be, but he spoke softly. And I looked at him seductively, without answering his questions. I'm very attracted to him as a man.

Mateo located a place to anchor and rest. We drank coffee and ate bread and cheese when hunger struck.

We've only been at anchor for a while and he runs his fingers up one of my legs. I swallow hard and don't move away, giving a clear sign of acceptance. Now he was the one who lit the second cigarette, I inhale and it explodes in my head. I get dizzy and go to sit next to him.

Leaning my back against him, I relax and tell him.

—Since I was thirteen, everyone in my house has been doing this. “It’s normal”, I make him believe with a low tone of voice, like a confession. I want you to feel comfortable with me.

A mischievous smile added warmth to the sentence and I looked at him intently.

—Sorry! —Matthew said, not having given me fire. So you're leaving the country!? It's the best you can do. Although I think we will miss you very much. You do not believe?

—That's what Hernán says. He's the one helping me get out. My father doesn't want me to leave and my mother doesn't even ask her to.

—No one wants their children to leave, but it's time. Very soon you won't even remember what happened, life goes by too fast to stop.

I look at him, he's still young, but hope is no longer part of his gaze. And this is the beginning of a slow death. On the other hand, I feel full of life. I know that I will cross the world and nothing can stop me, as I would like it to be.

—I won't go alone. I can fall in love and the lucky one can fly with me from this country to live delicious adventures together.

We stop talking and I'm looking for a place to close my eyes for a bit. It was early morning last night, I couldn't sleep no matter how hard I tried.

Mateo, back there, noticed. He settled himself between my legs and caressed me with his hand. I noticed it immediately and didn't want to take it off. Ever since I felt your skin, I felt hot. I think he realized he was abandoning me because he got a little closer and stuck his fingers in the neckline of my blouse.