Shouldn t Have Kissed You

Anvi

Maybe I have always been an introvert, that's why nobody thinks I could achieve great things. Or maybe because I do not have the best of health, my parents do not trust me to take care of myself. I have not known how to be independent yet because I have grown up in a cocoon. My parents have always cherished me and kept me in a bubble, safe from the outside world. But there are things that they don't know about me, they don't know I was bullied, they don't know I have anxiety issues and I have been on medication for a few years. I don't think I have the courage to tell them either, not because they wouldn't understand but because they would blame themselves for my miseries. Because of my closed up nature, I have never been able to tell them what I want in life and if I do tell them, I never fought with them fiercely for my dreams. And that is the reason my dreams remained unfulfilled. I got a job in a job in a multi-national company on a biggie post and quite a good salary but I couldn't persuade my parents to let me go make my own nest. I thought I was making them proud but apparently, it was not the case. I wish I had the courage to stand for myself, for my dreams. I wish I could tell them that I know you guys love me but just trust me this one time.

So when they said NO to me, my inner voice yelled at me and asked me to say something but in the end, nothing came out of my mouth.

If someone looked at me now, they'd not be able to judge how miserable I was feeling from inside because I disguised my emotions well. I have mastered the art of perfecting a smile over the years; a smile that ensured everyone that there wasn't anything wrong with me even when there was a massive storm brewing inside my mind.

My parents kept looking at me with hopeful eyes, waiting for my answer. I ran a couple of responses in my head to explain my feelings to them and I thought I would say, Papa, I am sorry but I am not okay with your decision. I want to do this job and you will have to support me in this.

But instead, I heard myself saying, "It's perfectly alright, papa. Jobs come and go. It was just some company anyway. I can get a job nearby. Don't worry." They both immediately sighed in relief after hearing my response. For the past 15 minutes, they had been trying to make me understand that it wasn't safe for a girl to work in a gigantic city like Delhi.

I didn't want to disappoint them but I really wished they would stop disappointing me every time with their silly excuses. If we would just keep fearing for our safety, we won't be able to survive at all.

"Okay, I know you don't want my influence to get a job. But since you are not interested to work with me and your brother, I can talk to my friend and you can join his company. It is related to your area of expertise." Papa asked a little bit hesitantly. At least he knew I didn't want his influence for a job.

"No, papa. I won't let you put in a reference for me anywhere. I will never be able to do a job peacefully which I didn't get by myself. I will find a job on my own." I said as calmly as I could because I was getting mad.

I didn't need anyone's influence to get a job. I never wanted it. I knew I was capable enough to get a job on my own and I proved that too but it didn't matter anymore.

"Okay, as you say. I hope you understand me, Anvi. I am your father, I will never do anything against you. It is for your good only." He said to me with sad but hopeful eyes.

"It's okay, papa. I understand your point. Don't stress over it. I will be fine after some time." I smiled lightly at him and went back to my room.

As soon as I reached my room, I locked the door; curled up in a corner and started to cry silently. This is me; I never voice my opinions, I never rebel or raise my voice for myself. I happened to be the most pathetic human being ever. I couldn't hurt my parent's feelings even if it was at the cost of my own dreams.

My life is practically a joke, even I have become a joke over time. They say when life gives you lemons, make lemonade out of it. But what if the lemons are too hard to squeeze? The lemons in my life are not squeezing at all. I always knew my father would never allow me to do a job at a place that was like ten hours away from our place and I wouldn't be able to convince them to move out but still, I did the stupidity of giving the interview to Rayson's, which was in Delhi, miles away from our small city. It's not like there was no job available here but that was my dream workplace.

I felt so stupid. It is not my parent's mistake because they cleared their intentions to me when I joined college. It is all on me because I broke my dreams myself. If I hadn't expected too much, I wouldn't have been the one left hurting at the end. My father is a proud and loving man. He has seen so much in life, went through so many hardships to be what he is today. He was raised in a middle-class family with minimal income and yet he studied hard and landed a government job on his own. Even after retirement, he didn't stop working, he opened a restaurant when no one was ready to support him, just so he could build a better future for us. My brother had always been interested in being a restaurateur so my father completely supported his ambitions. Today, our restaurant has multiple chains and the same people who never supported my father are always begging for his attention. He achieved everything in life without taking favours from anyone. He has always made it a point to tell us how much he loved us so that we never forget it. And I have never doubted his love for me but it's just his overprotection that gets too much sometimes. On the other hand, my beautiful mother is a housewife. She was a teacher in the initial years of their marriage but after giving birth to my elder brother, she left her job and devoted herself to both mine and my brother's upbringing. My parents have sacrificed so many things for us, to fulfil our dreams. I just wanted to do at least half of what they did. I am proud to be their daughter and I just want them to be proud of me as well. Sometimes, they just forget that they might be crushing my dreams underneath their overprotective nature. They always treat me like I am a naive, fragile daughter of theirs. I don't think they will be able to change this notion of theirs.

I cried like a baby thinking about my shattered dreams. When my sister-in-law (bhabhi) came from work, she came knocking at my door. I immediately rushed to the washroom and washed my face. I wiped my eyes frantically to remove the traces of any tears in them. I didn't want her to worry about me.

"A minute please, bhabhi. I am in the washroom." I shouted from inside.

Before opening the door, I exhaled loudly trying to appear as relaxed as possible. I opened the door for her and plastered a big smile on my face.

"Hey, bhabhi. What happened? Why are you so eager? You just came from college and already started torturing your sister-in-law. Seems like torturing your students wasn't enough, huh?" I said chuckling, trying to act funny. "Ms Anvi Bansal, if you think you can fool me easily then I am sorry, you are highly mistaken," Bhabhi said keeping her hands on her waist in an intimidating gesture. I smiled at her nervously. She pulled me into her arms and hugged me warmly, no questions asked. "You can't be strong all the time, Khushu." Her words were enough for me to break down all over again. "Am I so bad, bhabhi? God hates me so much. What have I ever done wrong? I want to do this job badly, bhabhi. It's my dream. Why is my fate so cruel to me?" I sobbed in her arms. "Who said you are bad, huh? You are not bad, it's just that this situation is bad. I am so sorry, Khushu. It's going to be okay." She consoled me by caressing my back.

Bhai (brother) and bhabhi are the two most important people in my life. They both have supported me in ways, no one else has ever done. They were there for me through every dark phase I went through.

I have never seen two people, other than my parents, love each other so much as they both do. Bhai and bhabhi met through an arranged marriage set up a year and a half ago, they were not in love when they got married but today, they can't even dream of living without each other. They are truly the definition of 'made for each other'.

Within the few days of their marriage, bhabhi started treating me like bhai did, like a child. She made me special in her life, she became my strength, my best friend, my soul sister, the only person after bhai who understood me so much. She has seen so much in her life but never for once, she let it affect her heart. She remained a pure soul amidst all the hardships she endured.

"You know what, I will talk to papa about your job. Both Ashish and I are going to talk to him. Papa never refuses me anything." She said keeping her palms on my face and wiping my tears lovingly.