Valerie s Descent

“Valerie”

I heard my name from the entrance of the dorm, I knew it was time.

I picked up my mini bag that had just my underwear and the clothes from my first day.  With a straight face, I walked towards the door. I could feel all their eyes on me, their little whispers from the corners irritated me but what irritated me were their fake smiles and goodbyes.

Paula stood by the door with her mean eyes following my every step and I stared back. She had the frowning look of a grandma even if she was in her late 30’s.

Without pleasantries, I passed her like I wasn't the one she was waiting for. We walked quietly through the corridor but my heart almost left my body. I know I should be the happiest person right now but all I felt was pain, the pain I felt three months ago when she abandoned me here.

We got closer to the door and it flung open and there stood her slender body in one of her office dresses and big bag.

She looked slimmer than I could remember but that mean look remained the same and when those eyes looked at mine the pain I felt earlier immediately switched to anger. Suddenly I didn't want to leave, the memory of her dumping me here and never coming to visit for six months made my eyes water.

With our eyes still locked, I walked closer to where she stood. The closer I got, the more I wanted to turn back to the dorm room, I could see the faint smile she had on, those mean eyes had no pity or remorse in them. As if she couldn't wait for me anymore, she rushed to me and pulled me for an embrace

“ you're okay now “ she whispered into my ears before releasing me

“Can we sign her release?” Paula said, leaving us behind and walking towards the receptionist's table.

I listened to them talk about my improvement and tests as they signed my release. Paula gave the usual advice of monitoring a constant urine test and a recommendation for a group class and all my mom did was nod in support.

Paula escorted us to the car park and gave meaningless advice before letting our car zoom off.

As I and my mother left, there was an awkward tension between us that lingered in the car ride home.

She tried to make conversation, asking how I'd been but it felt forced and uncomfortable.

I sat in the passenger seat of the car, my gaze fixed on the passing scenery outside. The tension in the air was palpable, thick and suffocating, like a heavy blanket draped over my shoulders. Beside me, my mother sat rigidly behind the wheel, her hands gripping the steering wheel with white-knuckled intensity.

It's been a while since I had been in the same car with my mother. The last time had been the day I was dropped off at rehab, left alone in a sterile, unfamiliar environment with nothing but my demons for company. My mother left without even a promise to visit, and slowly the days turned into weeks, and the weeks turned into months, with no sign of my mother anywhere in sight.

The resentment that had simmered beneath the surface for so long now threatened to boil over, bubbling up inside me like a cauldron of hot, seething anger. How could my mother abandon me like that?

The silence in the car was suffocating, each passing moment stretching out into an eternity of awkwardness and discomfort. I could feel my mother's eyes on me and could sense the unspoken questions lingering in the air. But I refused to meet her gaze, refused to acknowledge her presence in any way.

Instead, I focused on the anger burning inside me, allowing it to consume me, to fuel my defiance in the face of my mother's indifference, I looked outside for comfort.

As we drove on in silence, I stared out the window, lost in my thoughts but gradually I noticed a change. I realized something was different. Confusion knitted my  brow as I glanced around, trying to make sense of my surroundings.

My mother's voice cut through the silence, snapping me back to reality. "We're here," she said, her tone clipped and distant.

My heart pounded in my chest as the car slowed to a stop in front of an unfamiliar house. I couldn't trust my mother's next step.

I couldn't help but feel a sense of unease as I looked up at the unfamiliar environment.

Maybe this is another prison. I thought.

But before I could dwell on my apprehension any longer, the front door burst open and a figure came bounding out onto the front porch. My eyes widened in surprise as I recognized my brother, his face lit up with excitement as he ran towards the car.

"Vee!" he exclaimed, throwing his little arms around me in a tight embrace. "I'm so glad you're here!"