Who to Love

Tomorrow is my sister's wedding and here I am on my way back to my apartment because I forgot my jewellery. My sister is a total control freak and this wedding bought out the worst in her. She is freaking out and creating all this weird scenarios of what could go wrong, so we as the bridesmaids decided that we will all sleep in one house, bringing all our clothes, jewellery and everything else that is needed with us. She decided to join us.

So the reason I'm on my way back toy apartment is because silly me packed everything except my jewellery. Luckily Lily the control freak she is wanted everyone to double check that they had everything. That's when I discovered my mistake.

Before she could freak out I was in my car on my way to my apartment I share with my current boyfriend Xavier. We have been dating for 14 months, and we have our up and downs but at least we are trying.

Many people don't want us together, they keep saying I need better. Someone who loves and respects me because Xavier don't, but they are wrong he does love me and I am the centre of his universe. That's why I stay no matter how bad things gets between us. We choose to stay because we love each other and that is what people do that love each other or at least that's how I feel.

But back to reality. I am driving like a lunatic to make it there and back within a hour because any longer than that and Lily will be blowing up my phone. I love my sister but sometimes she is a little too much. Especially when organising an event, she wants everything to a certain way and the moment it does not, she goes crazy.

I stop in front of my apartment block and as I get out I realise that I did not change and I am still wearing my grey sweatpants and a white tank top and my slippers. How stupid of me but at least it is late. So hopefully nobody will see me.

I rush to the door and just as I am about to touch the handle I hear noises coming from inside the flat. Which is weird because Xavier is not supposed to be home and no one has a key to our flat. So who the hell is in my place without my knowledge or are they breaking in.

Well not on my watch. I slowly open the door which is open so they came in by the door. Now I am feeling very suspicious now, but I push my thoughts aside because I am inside and I need to search for a weapon or some sorts. I see my umbrella few feet from the door so I slip my shoes off and start walking slowly and softly as possible.

Just as I am about to extent my arm to take the umbrella a scream comes from our bedroom and I freeze in place. My heart was beating like crazy, and I am trying to calm myself so I can figure out what the hell is going on. But just as I was taking a deep breath it came again and again and than she screamed Xavier's name. Over and over again.

My whole body froze and my heart stopped beating. I stood there like a statue, my mind blank. Everything stopped working at once. I closed my eyes, trying to calm myself and trying to think, because there might be a chance I am mistaken.

But than the screams came again and again. And I could hear him say come for me babe, with a voice filled with lust and desire. I could hear them both reach their climax while I stand there unable to move and unable to breath.

When reality finally hits me full on in the face I can feel my heart break into pieces. I can hear the shattering of my heart. How have I been so stupid to not realise my boyfriend is cheating. My phone starts vibrating so I took it out and look at the screen to see who is calling. And of course it is Lily.

What do I do now? I can't answer, I can't go back without my jewellery and I definitely can not go into that room now. I take a deep breath in and out and another in and out. I need to make a decision and quickly because I need to get out of here so Lily can calm down.

Well it is my place just as it is his and I need my jewellery so I guess I need to put on my big girl pants and face this, get it over and cry after the wedding. I need to do this for my sister no matter how badly my heart is aching. I take a deep breath in and out and another and one last one.

I take all my courage and everything I need and walk to the room. I can hear them talk and laugh so I take one last deep breath before I knock and enter.

"I apologize for interrupting. I just need something I forgot than you two may continue." How I just did that without breaking down or my voice breaking. I did not look their way but I do believe that they were as shocked as I was at my behaviour. I walk over to where I left my jewellery, I turn around and look at them.

I look Xavier in his eyes, scoff and say, "I'm done. I will collect my clothes on Sunday, I'll leave the key. Enjoy each other, Good-bye." I turn around and leave before he can say anything. I just need to reach the car before these tears start flowing. I can't breakdown now, I won't let him see me weak.

I can hear him call my name but I keep on walking. I can feel the burn in my legs but I keep on walking as fast as I can. I get in the car just in time for my tears to flow. I look to the door and see Xavier come running my way so I start the car and drive off before he can reach me. I drive a while before stopping a few miles from my mom's house so I can calm myself.

I still remember how we met. I had been having the worst day, no actually the worst week, that day was just the cherry on the cake. I was about to explode so I went to my favourite coffee shop and to top it off, just as I was about to leave, I bump into the guy behind me. I was at breaking point, I kept apologizing and insisted on buying him a coffee.

He wouldn't take it unless I sit with him and enjoy our coffee together. I finally agreed and I actually enjoyed it. He was nice and made me laugh the whole time. Gone was the terrible day and after that day we hang out every chance we got. When we started dating I was already head over heels so it was easy going from friends to lovers.

He was my first boyfriend and first love so I accepted everything he said and did. I never wanted to do anything to upset him or lose him so I always obeyed. Never questioned. And now I can't help but wonder if he really loved me or was it all just a game to him. A fool he can play without having to do much effort, because I always believed every lie.

I was stupid and naïve, and now here I am crying my eyes out over some stupid asshole who does not deserve my tears and never deserved my love in the first place. And the worst is here I am on the night before my sister's wedding with a heart that feels like it's being squeezed and I can't breathe. It hurts to breathe and I just want to die.

I want to scream and climb in bed, and sleep for days till my heart feels a little better. But at this moment I can't see how this will end soon, not this type of pain. I never want to feel this kind of pain ever in my life again. It feels like dying but still being alive. It feels like a part of you being ripped out of you leaving a hole that can't be filled.

I've been crying the whole way here and I know my face must look terrible now. So now I have to stop here so I can calm down and my face to look a little better. Luckily I have back-up make-up in my car and some wet wipes. So I take it out and wash my face. I put on the light in my car and touch my make-up trying to make it look natural yet hiding most of the damage from crying.

I look in the mirror and must say it doesn’t look to bad. If for some reason they suspect I cried I'll just come up with some story. I fall back in my seat and rest my head against the headrest of the car. How the hell did I end up here. Twenty two soon to be varsity graduate. So basically unemployed, and now homeless without a boyfriend.

I start the car and drive to my mom's house. I guess I should just get it over with. The sooner the better because I won't let this spoil my sister's important day. She worked too hard on the planning of this day. I take my phone and bag with jewellery in to get out of the car when my phone starts vibrating. Thinking it's my sister I pick it up without looking much to my disappointment.

"Finally you pick up. Autumn, please come back so we can talk things over."

"I said what I needed to say Xavier."

"Autumn, please don't do this. Please, I beg of you."

"What do you want from me, Xavier?"