You killed them... You killed them... The image of the car falling off the cliff, and me watching the scene through the cloudy glass, whose windshield was trying uselessly to clear it, was something that had stayed with me for five years. Almost every night, that nightmare was my greatest companion. Except that, when I woke up, I didn't feel the relief of not being in my reality. On the contrary... the empty bed was proof enough that the death of two people so important in my life was not an illusion. I was the one who caused that death. It was my fault and no one else's. I always knew I was a controlling son of a bitch, and I fought day after day not to suffocate Taís with my temper. She was never submissive, not at all, and that was what I loved most about her personality, although it was a fetish of mine in bed that my wife had never been able to fulfill. Maybe, that day, I should have let my fucking control freak take over and locked her in the house to stop her from leaving. Much less taking our son with her. Or maybe I shouldn't have followed them, swearing I would be protecting them. That the best option was to try to bring her back home. Taís was no longer happy. She never wanted marriage. Pregnancy had led her to agree to our union, but she was too young. I had convinced her, and nothing would ever make me regret it so much again. Being a father was my dream. It still was, in fact. I hadn't expected to have a child only to lose him less than a year later. He would have been six by then. He would have been running around at that party, just like the beautiful little girl in the pink dress whose parents had already scolded her more than once. I hated parties like that, where all that reigned was hypocrisy. Where people looked at me as if I were watching each one of them to write down any little mistake on my list of future dismissals. So, a breath of fresh air like that, the sound of a child's laughter, her mischievous manner... all of that almost made me smile. Almost. The little girl was probably the daughter of one of my employees. I couldn't say for sure, because I wasn't exactly attentive to their personal lives. What really mattered to me was their performance within the office. I used to be a little more sociable – but only a little – but after Taís died, I literally closed myself off from the world. At the office, I was known as Iron Man; I was just as controlling as I was in my personal life. People didn't know that this information was passed on to me, but unfortunately for them, the only person who had any access to me was my secretary, and she would tell me this with a laugh. I didn't find the nickname that funny, although her laugh was adorable. By the way, she was at the party. She was very pretty – that was what I could see from a distance. A simple black dress, not much different from the ones she wore to work, but definitely new. One of the only friends I had, who was the commercial director of Sodemberg – the company I owned and which was in the nautical tourism industry – always told me that I was crazy about Diana, the secretary. That was the vulgar word he used, although I couldn't
Chapter 1 admiration
her any openings either, but Diana was a persistent girl. "Good evening, boss. Kelly is cute, isn't she?" I looked at her, confused. "Who?" "Kelly. Monique's daughter from HR. She's four years old. She's super smart, talks a lot and is dying to have a dog, but her mother doesn't want one. I took a sip of my whiskey.
I intended for it to be the only one I'd have that night, because I didn't want to get drunk at my own company's celebration party. Sodemberg's anniversary was in October, and the following month both Diana and I would be taking a vacation. As incredible as it might seem, she wasn't very excited about it. But in my absence, there was no reason for her to stay at the company. "Apparently you know everything about her." The smile on her face widened, and I could see the dimples that formed huge holes in her face. Her gray-blue eyes had a peculiar tone too, and she looked like a doll.
Completely different from Taís, who was beautiful in a more obvious way: Barbie-style blonde, tanned, with some very discreet surgical interventions. It was hard to see Diana with pounds of makeup on her face, and she was naturally beautiful. "Are you calling me a gossip, sir?" There was something very sensual in the way she said that word, even though she had no idea about my fetishes. And I knew it was in a playful way, because she was the only person I had given any kind of freedom to not call me that, but sometimes I still insisted.
"No. I just didn't know you liked children." "Don't you know I have a ten-year-old brother? I practically raised him after our parents died." I knew in passing. I really didn't like getting involved in my employees' personal lives. I didn't like to exercise my compassion for them or I would end up forgiving their mistakes and failing to fire them when necessary. I was Iron Man, after all. Wasn't I? If she thought I was going to ask her any questions about the child or about what her life was like as a mother, even though she was only twenty-two, she wasn't exactly my type. "The girl is actually cute," I finally answered, without any emotion on my face. Diana looked at me as if I were an alien.
"Funny? For God's sake, Nicolas Sodemberg. The girl is a princess. But okay... I'll take that as quite a compliment coming from you. It would be the same as saying she's wonderful. My face remained impassive, and I could have thought of a thing or two to say to her and show her that I knew how to give compliments, but I preferred to keep quiet. Luckily for me, we were interrupted by the very little girl we were talking about, because, running and looking back, with no sense of direction, she ran straight into my legs and could have fallen backwards if I hadn't been quick enough to lean down and catch her. Her little brown eyes widened as they looked into mine, as if she had just seen a big bad wolf. I could already imagine the kind of things her parents would say to her about me. "Did you hurt yourself?"
I asked, holding her little arms, and she was visibly scared to death of me, so much so that she just shook her head in response. I heard Diana giggle, and she picked up the little girl, with the manner of someone who knew what she was doing. Then I was a little lost, watching the two of them, noticing that the little girl was gradually calming down in Diana's arms, until she started to laugh, throwing her head back. My secretary had a way with children, and she seemed to love them. It was mesmerizing and it made my heart ache to think that my son should be alive. He deserved to be treated by someone like that, although I could swear that Taís would never be exactly a loving mother. Pregnancy had been a mistake for her, something that would rob her of her youth and ruin her body
– Although she had access to all kinds of cosmetic procedures and abused them – so I couldn't imagine a scene like that. But there, in front of me, was a sweet and kind woman, beautiful and completely devoted to a little girl who wasn't even hers. With a playful wink at me, she carried the little girl away, in her arms, probably to return her to her father. I followed Diana with my eyes, watching her every step. When I looked at Flávio, my sales director, I saw him raising his glass to me, with a mischievous look. I knew what was going through his head, but worse was knowing what was going through mine. A million things I shouldn't think about.
I wasn't the kind of girl who went to parties or had fun constantly. Having to take care of a ten-year-old brother, my Friday nights usually consisted of Netflix, while I listened to him scream when he made some mistake on the video game I had bought with great effort last Christmas. João Pedro was a good boy, and I didn't have much to complain about. We got along well, with all the exceptions that are common to two people of such different ages and who have a relationship almost like mother and son. I had to set my limits, but I did it with all the love I could. And he understood.
I understood perfectly well my daily struggle to make him a good man. I would have declined the invitation, but it was a company party. I really liked my colleagues, but I never participated in anything, and I knew that this made a difference. I had gotten a good job at a great company, and I could even try to advance there, with a bit of luck, since I didn't have a college degree. No matter how much everyone criticized my boss, the powerful Nicolas Sodemberg, calling him a tyrant, an executioner and a thousand other things, I had nothing against him. He was professional, respectful, competent, hard-working and... well... better looking than I should have noticed. The women in the office were unanimous in this regard. They all had an absurd crush on him, but the guy was an insurmountable wall.
Always serious, always quiet, not giving anyone any openings. Not even me, with whom he would talk once in a blue moon – most of the time about work. I couldn't help but smile thinking about the way he treated the little girl, despite the fact that he was clearly clumsy with children. Such an attitude showed a side of his personality that I hadn't seen yet, and I couldn't deny that, added to everything I knew about him, it made me a little more excited.
Okay... the truth was that I had a crush on Nicolas. More than just the heat that other women felt, because he was an incredibly sexy and handsome guy, I felt a pain in his eyes, something very heavy, that would make me want to unravel him. He was mysterious, beyond everything else, and that intrigued me. Throughout the time we worked together, I learned to nurture an admiration for him, even though it was something completely platonic. Nicolas Sodemberg would never be interested in his mere secretary.
But that was beside the point. It was time to take off my high heels, take a shower and get under the covers. The next day would be a Saturday, and I could sleep in a little later, if João would allow it. Ten-year-old boys could be very noisy when they wanted to be. I opened the door to the apartment where I lived, barefoot, and turned on the light as soon as I entered.
I had hired someone to stay with João for a few hours, because, as much as he insisted that he was a big boy and could take care of himself, I didn't want to let him off the hook. "Kátia?" I called the babysitter, hoping that João would already be asleep by then. She didn't answer the
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