Glimpse of Yesterday

Prologue

"I am a warrior. A woman who's a survivor of suicide and mental illness, combating against its own foe and demons- will take this opportunity not to get the crown but rather as the opportunity to be the voice of those who lost their own voices in the middle of battling in a war were blood may be concealed but the drops of tears from the unveil memory of pain is distinct itself."

I smiled when the chaotic shouts from the people inside the whole dome echoed in each corner.

"So, I, Ms. Philippines, and as a mental health advocate- will be the woman and a person who can build a new road towards the proximity of hope and a sturdy boat ahead to the shore of light because I believe that we can make the universe better if we can change our own selves for the better. Thank you." I bowed first, before walking my way with a smile towards my designated spot.

"Please welcome, South Africa." Steven, the host, announced.

Luckily, I became a part of the top 3 finalist for the Miss Universe and so I was able to voice out my mission and reason for competing in this competition through our final statement.

Standing with a nonchalant ease in front of thousands of people with almost equal fervor of shouting different countries' names has never been a dream of mine.

Not until today.

My eyes that were roaming around with my unfeigned smile, was unconsciously gazing the whole dome, to find that one person who was the reason why I am standing in front of these massive strangers today.

That one person who believed in my capabilities even when the world had turned its back on me. It was me against the world, and I against myself, but he? He believed in me even when I had nothing left, even when I was already empty, even when I was living in a swollen body fighting to survive with a mind that tries to die.

But now, I'm a whole new different person. A woman that used to be in angst- has now reached this far.

"Okay, Ms. Philippines. So how are you feeling today?" The host asked.

With one leg in front of me, two hands that rested on my waist, stomach in and chin up, I elegantly turned my head towards the host who was currently, standing beside me.

"Am I being too honest if I say that I'm nervous, Mr. Steven?" I asked him with a smile.

He laughed along with the audiences and very few judges who have gentle and mild faces unlike the remaining two judges who looked like a person coming out from hell and was ready to burn you out with their intense stares.

"Well that's kind of normal, Ms. Philippines," Steven smiled.

"I guess it is." I answered with a composed voice.

"Okay, so here's your question," he then looked at the small piece of paper he was carrying.

I inhaled and exhaled to let out all my nervousness subside.

"As a woman competing for Miss Universe who qualifies the qualities and standard of this competition. How will you define beauty to all the woman out there who are insensible of their own beauty and does not value their own existence?"

I paused for a while to contemplate the question before looking at the front with confidence etched on my face.

"Beauty. How will I define beauty? Well if you're asking me for the definition of beauty, then I'll utter no words because beauty has no definition nor qualities itself. But rather it chooses the heart and mind of a person who perceives the existence of their own beauty that exist merely in the mind of each. Beauty illuminates its own deformity without extinguishing the beauty of others-"

Crowd cheers that made me stop. I exhaled to catch my breath before smiling again to continue my words.

"So instead of finding for the words to fit the definition of beauty, I will voice out to all the women out there to go and start questing for that beauty of yours because no words are enough to define your own beauty." I put great emphasis on my last statement.

In a short second, I gazed the whole people inside the dome.

"And as a woman of inspiration, with a humble heart, will proudly say to the universe that I . . . am beautiful not because of the qualities I have but because of who I think I am and how I see the beauty of people reflected in their hearts and minds. Thank you."

Loud cheers again echoed the dome. I bowed as my sign of showing gratitude towards the people who supported me before hoofing my way towards my spot.

I wish my man's watching and listening, silently supporting me right at this moment of achieving my dream of becoming an inspiration.

Even though I know he wasn't.

Even though I know he couldn't.

"And the Miss Universe of today's year is. . ." In just a snap, it was already time for the announcement.

Breathe in. Breathe out. Win or lose, will definitely bring the crown of a woman who has successfully brought an inspiration among the people of today.

Hell, this is just a piece of shit to be nervous for, Alessia. You've been through enough and this isn't worthy for your damn tears.

The attentive eyes of the audiences, the wavering breathing of Miss South Africa in front of me and the loud thumping of my heart against my chest along with the suspenseful music of the background was an evident that everyone have been waiting for the next successor of the crown.

"The Miss Universe of today's year is. . ."

Miss South Africa in front of me smiled as her grip on my hand tightened, the spotlight that was on both of us beamed along with my smile towards her even with the tense that I can feel right at this once in a lifetime opportunity.

Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breath-

"Philippines!" He shouted with full of enthusiasm.

My heart skipped a bit after hearing my home country. I've never felt nervousness and happiness at the same time before but this time it was an evident that I felt both.

Loud music echoed around the dome but the huge applauses and screams from the people whom supported me dominated the surrounding.

"Congratulations." People around me saying one word that I can't help but feel overwhelm.

One drop of tear gushed down from my eyes the moment my head felt the heaviness of the crown.

A crown that will soon be a symbol of hope, inspiration and new beginning not just for me but for those people whom needed it the most around the whole universe.

Now, standing in front of many people, representing the country who have become my home, am here- proving myself that the world itself is a worthy to live for, a worthy to fight for, and a worthy to commit to.

Nostalgia. But now, it's different. Because he's not here.

And in the midst of the crowd, even with different races and nationalities, I saw that person, standing, clapping and smiling at me.

"You made it."

I could hear those voice from him even if he was from afar.

One drop of water from my eyes that I thought will stop, unconsciously followed by more consecutive tears as I look at him- eye-to-eye.

Even though I know this is just an illusion.

Still, I felt that even without him, I could feel his support.

I want to hear his voice. Uttering the words. . .

"Congratulations, Miss Philippines. You've reached this far." Steven, the host uttered with a smile.

Currently, I'm in an interview. Everything happened so fast and all I could do was to go with the flow.

Sitting on the couch with cameras at each corner and a crown on my head, I smiled at him.

"Thank you, Steve. I feel overwhelmed. It feels like yesterday I was just in the darkness, trying to fight for my dreams and now I'm here." I said enthusiastically.

He smiled and nodded.

"So is there a specific person or thing that inspires you to reach this far? Mind sharing it to our viewers for this evening?" He motioned his hand to the camera.

I smiled and looked at the camera.

The red light on the camera was a sign that many are watching me behind it and there's a slight hope in my heart that he's one of those.

"Actually, being a Miss Universe has never been a dream of mine not until I met this person." I put a smile on my face as I uttered those words.

"Ohh. . . That piques my curiosity. Was that person here?"

I looked at the host and shook my head as I felt the slight pang in my heart.

"He's not." I laughed. "But still, even if he's not, his presence still dominated my heart."

Steven's mouth parted and nodded.

"Mind if you share where's he?" He was careful with his words.

I paused for a while.

"Him? Maybe he's far away. Far from me." I shrugged.

But little did I know how small the world is, that even the two used to be lovers whom cursed and begged the world in front of each other not to cross paths again, can meet after so many years of longing.

And even though he's meters away from me, that even though he's near and far from what I thought he is, his eyes that had loved me years ago were far from the eyes I'm looking at now: cold and emotionless.

"Hi. Uhm. . . Alessia." I lend my hand in front of him.

Never did imagine I'd see his presence on my friend's birthday celebration.

The celebration was held on the rooftop building, more like a party with the wild party lights on and powerful beat drop from the dj.

"I know." His both hands stilled inside his pockets.

"You know each other?" Thea, my friend who celebrated her birthday, asked, shock.

"She's on the television just a week ago for competing. Of course I know her." His tone was as cold as ice.

That punched my heart hard.

"Come on, Grayson. Don't be rude to our visitor." Lia beside him said and smiled at me.

He sighed in defeat and lend me his hands.

His warm palms. It felt nostalgic.

I want to hold on to that same palms that caress my ache away. I want to cling on to that same person that brought my demons to the sun of ray. I want to talk to that same man whom comforted my pain every day.

But I know can't.

"Grayson." He introduced and removed his hands off me as fast as it touched me.

It was a moment of silence not until one familiar shout of a woman broke it.

"Babe!"

A great and huge slap for me after seeing the figurine of a familiar woman calling the man whom used to be mine.

Seeing her with a smile plastered on her face as she head her way towards Grayson was already enough for me to conclude that she's his new girlfriend.

I won the competition but just now, I felt like a loser for losing his heart.

Unlucky of me to expect that he's still into me after all those years; After all those painful words; After all those exhausting heartaches and break-ups.

I bit my lower lip and played with my fingers after seeing Rhiana beside him, hands wrapped around his arms.

I used to be that one.

Grayson looked down at my fingers so I stopped playing with it.

"Okay. So shall we have fun?" Lia clapped her hands when she noticed the building awkwardness.

"Let's get party!" Thea shouted and pulled me out.

I felt relieved.

"Oh! Ms. Philippines!" Someone shouted and it was a man.

Many were looking at my attire so I looked down at my attire.

I'm wearing a black sleeveless bodycon midi dress but of course, partnered with black blazer, so what's wrong if I have blazers on?

"Come on, girl. Have some fun!" Thea shouted and removed my blazer off.

I heard loud shouts and whistles from men but I know it's normal because we're at a party like club.

"Let's have some shot!" She shouted and gave me a beer while dancing along with the beat.

The surrounding was loud. I barely hear my little voice because of the powerful music. It doesn't even look like a birthday celebration but what do I expect, this is Thea, this is what she wants.

I don't drink beer so I gave it back to her and shook my head.

"Boring woman!" She shouted and danced with the beat.

I laughed but it dissipated when I felt a warm hand around my waist.

"Oh! Hot!" Thea pointed the man beside me and drank straight up her liquor.

I looked up at the man beside me and Thea was not mistaken because he is hot.

But still, my heart belongs to someone else although I acknowledged his face.

"Have shot, beautiful Miss Universe." A man gave me a shotgun.

For a second, I stared at the shotgun.

I want to move on. Grayson is with another woman so I should have fun right?

I heaved a sigh and was about to accept the shotgun when suddenly, a familiar man stole it and drank it straight with his eyes open, looking straight at the man's eyes beside me.

It was Grayson, with his jaw clenched.

"Hands off, man." He warned and looked down at his hands on my waist.

The man beside me looked down at me with a confused look but I chose to avoid my gaze.

"Ohh. . . Is she your girlfriend?" He asked.

I gulped and looked at Grayson.

But instead of responding, he gave him the shotgun back and motioned his head to the exit.

"Back off." His voice was full of emphasis.

The man beside me sighed in defeat and removed his hands off me before walking his way out.

My eyes were on the man that I didn't even notice Grayson leaving me.

"Wait! Grayson!" I shouted after seeing his back walking away from me.

I ran towards his direction but suddenly, the party lights that were wild just a while ago became melodious along with the music that changed into a familiar beat.

It's just the intro of the piano piece but shit, I already know the song.

The loud shouts altered into a serene breathing. The wild atmosphere became romantic along with my heart that shattered once again.

"There's a calm surrender,

To the rush of day. . ." It was Lia's voice on the stage.

My breathing hitched.

I looked at the mini stage and there I saw Lia and Jason in front, looking at both of us as if they were trying to give both of us another chance to reminisce the beautiful past but soon became ugly as time past by.

"When the heat of the rolling wind,

Can be turned away. . ." She continued.

My heart broke after hearing that nostalgic song.

"An enchanted moment,

And it sees me through,

It's enough to be this restless warrior,

Just to be with you. . ." It was Jason.

A memory of past lashed my mind and it feels like yesterday although the pain has been with me for years.

Everyone's dancing along with the romantic song but here I am, stuck and immobile, cannot do anything as every step away hurts so much.

And just when the time he turned to me, our eyes met along with the nostalgic past that gushed down my veins leaving an excruciating pain as I look at the man who used to love me so much.

"And can you feel the love tonight?

It is where we are. . ."

No. Everything now is different. Unlike yesterday, I cannot feel the love I used to feel whenever he's around.

Looking at his blue eyes that used to comfort me, his blue eyes that used to look at me with full of adoration even when everyone's eyes at me were galore of disgust is now looking at my eyes with wrath- now, as much as I want to dig deeper into his eyes, I'm afraid I might hurt myself for hoping that he still loves me.

When demons took over my role,

He was there, giving me his soul,

With him I became whole,

But he just left me with a hole.

One tear cascaded down my face as I reminiscence our ugly yet beautiful past.

He's always been by my side, never did put me aside,

With drops of his love, never been dried;

And in the road of despair he was my guide,

So how come I become alone in this ride?

My world completely wrecked the moment he turned his back on me and I should accept the melancholic fact that. . .

Along with my memories, he became my yesterday,

Will only a glimpse take my sorrows away?

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