Repeated Past

As I stood before the rustic and quaint house, several emotions flew out to embrace me.

Of these, the most powerful was a deep – no – a profound sense of belonging. A warmth, a friendliness – a certain familiarity. As if I had been here before. As if I had lived here before. As if I had taken a considerable measure of solace and comfort in this very house.

A sudden sense of fear swathed me next. However, the emotion was so tiny, almost like a wisp of a shadow circling and then flying past me so quickly, that it didn't quite register. Had it registered, I probably would have turned and scampered up the mountainside.

As it were, the feeling was nippily replaced by the next – that of happiness, of joy and all things wonderful. Like sitting down with a plateful of Cinnabons. The wonderful hot spicy aroma floating up my nose and the anticipation of digging into something tender, soft, squishy and oh... so full of goodness. It felt so real that I could feel myself salivating at the thought. Ooh... I confess I was perhaps just a tiny bit homesick. I glanced at my watch, calculations flying through my head. At this hour, in London, I would be sitting in the café nursing a hot coffee and digging into a Cinnabon.

A sound tore me from my thoughts. I couldn't quite pinpoint what it was. However, a sudden breeze seemed to be rustling everything in sight; from the weeds growing out the chimney to the loose tiles that made up the roof of the house, to the long grass that grew all around as if it were protective fencing. Dry pine needles floated lazily down from nearby trees only to be picked up by the breeze and transported elsewhere. Dust motes seemed to obscure my vision. I raised my hand to protect my eyes from the dry wind and all that it carried. While the setting seemed idyllic, the agent next to me appeared restless. As if he had somewhere else to be and something more important to do. That irked me.

"Could I take a look inside, " I asked turning to face him. He nodded and fumbled through the keys in his hand for the small half-rusted key that would open the main doors to the house. "The house is built into the mountainside. So it doesn't matter which of the two floors you're on, each feels like the ground floor. There are seven rooms on the floor we're entering now. There's a small spirally staircase out the back that leads to the lower half of this house. That section has another five rooms." As the main doors flew open, inviting me into the dark recesses of the house, I get lost in my surroundings. The agent droned on, utterly oblivious to my undying boredom with his rehearsed speech.

Buying a house in the middle of nowhere wasn't an experience in statistical recounts of the property. It was an investment in the house, its history, and of all the beautiful things it promised. I'd have listened had the agent spoken of its last tenants or the ones before them. For it seemed to me that the house had been empty a long while. Why on earth would someone not want a quaint little house, somewhere in the middle of a picturesque mountain with acres of adjoining land ready for exploration? The weather it seemed, was wonderfully pleasant regardless of the month and how close to the equator we appeared to be. Such a dramatic change from the constantly wet and sleet filled London where I grew up.

".. there are no bathrooms, and the kitchen is outside... disconnected from the house." These words spoken by the agent seemed to shake me from my woolgathering. "What!" I squawked. So there was my answer. Plain as day. A house that was so old it didn't have plumbing, or bathrooms and no semblance of a kitchen. For a minute there, I felt torn between the awe I felt for the house and the fear of living like that... as if I had crawled straight out of the 16th century – or further back. Didn't he say the house was older? What had I expected? Cable TV? Telephone wiring? Free WiFi? Fantastic! First thing on my to-do list, I tell myself. Another voice chimes in... There's a rose bush crawling up the stone wall on the East side that needs tending to and broken wood fencing all the way down to the lower end of the property that needs patching up... not to mention the..

For a minute there, I stopped walking. Shaking my head, I tried to focus. Another voice telling me what needs fixing? How on earth... or more like what on earth! I brushed the thought aside reasoning with myself that the 'other voice' was probably the agent. I haven't even seen the place, I haven't debated over whether to buy it or not, and I'm already making lists of projects I need to do to make the house livable? Does this mean that I've decided to buy it already?

Yes! Yes! Yes! The walls screamed at me. The voice had sounded so real that I went around full circle with wide eyes searching for the source. "Miss are you all right? Is there something wrong? Can I help you with something?" I found myself shaking my head, unable to speak lest I say something that made the man recommend me to the nearest asylum. I should have probably turned and scuttled up the mountainside right then and there, but for some reason, I felt entirely at peace. There was absolutely no sense of fear.

I laughed nervously at the agent and motioned for him to continue with the tour. Nothing could be as bad as having to return to Tom. No, I wasn't leaving here just yet. This house was beautiful. After almost a week of nervously searching for a place that was as secluded as this, I had nearly given up hope. Hope for a better life, for a different life, for a life away from the city I had grown to despise and the man that made me hate it all.

Walking through the several dusty rooms, I drink in my surroundings. The walls both inside and out were made of a blue-ish stone that had grayed over the years. Dust filled every nook and corner. Spider webs floated down from the low placed ceilings. I wasn't very tall to begin with, so the height of the ceilings mattered little to me. At least for all intents and purposes, the house was practical. Not so low that I had to stoop to walk through and not so high that I needed a ladder to remove the cobwebs.